


Darker and Colder

by InkTheFan666



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Book/Movie 2: Catching Fire, F/F, F/M, Married Katniss Everdeen/Peeta Mellark, Multi, Pregnant Katniss Everdeen, Wattpad Fanfic Bootcamp
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 23:08:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 63
Words: 62,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29358486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InkTheFan666/pseuds/InkTheFan666
Summary: ORIGINALLY POSTED ON WATTPADKatniss and Peeta realise it is all too much for how young they are, and are whisked away again in the Capitol's plans, as well as others they had no idea existed...Begins the day of the reading of the card// Catching Fire AU
Relationships: Annie Cresta & Finnick Odair, Annie Cresta/Finnick Odair, Johanna Mason & Original Character(s), Johanna Mason/Original Character(s), Johanna Mason/Original Female Character(s), Katniss Everdeen & Peeta Mellark, Katniss Everdeen/Peeta Mellark
Kudos: 14





	1. The begginning

**Author's Note:**

> So it does start in a weird way with the writing not the best but I promise it gets better

Date: 14th March.

Chapter 1  
Katniss's POV- Catching Fire, an AU beginning the day of the reading of the card

I wake in my own bed, in my house and feel warm with Peeta beside me; he is holding me in a soft embrace that brings light to my chest.  
I go to stroke a curl of blond hair from his forehead and wriggle from his arms. He looks so peaceful asleep.  
I get dressed and remember the events of last night. We were both so caught up in the moment, but I do not regret it for once. I know now; I do love him. So much. I may like Gale, but I realise now I truly love Peeta.  
I walk back over to the bed and kiss him lightly and his eyes flutter open, their soft blue confused but loving as he remembers where he is. I pull myself toward him and I am enveloped in his arms again.  
It is afew minutes before he speaks. "Are you ok?" He asks.  
I don't answer. I just huddle closer.  
"Katniss?"  
"Yes?"  
We lock eyes, and I can tell he is worried about me.  
"Yes," I say. "Yes."  
"Are you sure? I'm sorry if we went too far, we can just forget it if you want-"  
I smile. "No. This is perfect."  
"I love you."  
"I love you too."

♤♤♤

After Peeta is dressed and the bed made, we go downstairs.  
Prim is sitting at the dining table and my mother is cooking. Peeta offers to help and she accepts.  
I sit next to Prim and she looks up, smiling. For a heart stopping second I think she knows, but Peeta is with me so much it's hardly possible she suspects anything.  
I smile back and eat the breakfast I have just been given, whilst everyone makes small talk.  
My mother wasn't originally very happy about Peeta, but she has softened to him recently and my family all happily.  
Peeta looks up and we share a smile. And I wasn't lying earlier. I have no regrets.


	2. A message from the Capitol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so the writing is very bad at the start. I started writing this august last year, and it's come on a lot since then. The chapters get longer and more well written, so if you like the idea please stick around

Chapter 2  
Katniss's POV 

Prim comes home from school and is buzzing about my wedding photos, even though it was barely any time since they took them.  
But when we turn the television on, it turns out she was right.  
I see me, draped in silk and velvet and pearls and everything you could imagine. White, cream, light grey, light pink, light blue dresses. Some with over the top flowers, layers, beading and lace. I personally do not find any one of them particularly breathtaking, but I will admit Cinna's work is very beautiful as always. And Prim seems to love them.   
When the Photoshoot is over, Caesar says there is another important announcement and it changes to President Snow.  
It continues but I am confused as it is talking about the Games, and they are not for a few months yet.  
"It must be the reading of the card," my Mom says.  
It talks about the two previous quarter quells and says how this is the third one.  
" ... To commemorate how even the strongest cannot beat the Capitol, this year the tributes shall be reaped from the existing pool of Victors."  
I stare in shock.  
But after a moment I realise what it means.  
There is only one living female victor of District 12.  
I am going back into the arena.

♤♤♤

Peeta's POV

I fight to stay calm, my brain racing with the news of the third Quarter Quell.  
As I fling open my door I see Katniss sprinting away from her house. I forget about my prosthetic leg and run after her.  
"KATNISS!"  
She can't hear me, but I keep running and calling her name.  
"KATNISS!"  
I trip on a loose cobblestone and hit the ground. I feel a small trickle of warm blood run down my hand, and the wind sends daggers into my face. I can't get up.  
Then I feel a pair of hands helping me up.  
"Peeta," she says, her voice jagged and rough.  
"Peeta are you ok?"  
"Yeah," I say, " I'm fine."  
She brings me into her house, and her mother stitches the cut on my arm. When she is finished, Katniss comes over and embraces me in a warm hug, which I return.  
"Peeta... the games..."   
I hug her closer. "I know. We can work through this."  
She starts to sob against my shoulder and I pick her up and take her upstairs, because I know that despite how much she loves her family, she won't want Prim to see her like this.  
I put her in her bed and lie next to her.  
We lie there for a while, each calmed by the other's presence. I love her.  
And I hate the Capitol, for killing those people, and breaking her. I hate them.


	3. Victors

Chapter 3  
Peeta's POV

I wake in the middle of the night after having a nightmare, and go to take a shower. I can't lose Katniss. I can't. The games can't take her away from me.  
She is the only female Victor, and me and Haymitch are the only male Victors. No matter what, it will be her going in with one of us. And I'm going to make sure it's me. If I'm in there I can protect her.  
I hear a muted scream, and run back into the bedroom.  
Without thought I instantly go to hug Katniss, and she hugs back. We lie there for a second, and I ask if it would help to talk about it.  
"I... I'm not sure. But I can't lose anyone else."  
I bring her closer and we eventually fall back asleep.

♤♤♤

It's morning, and we go downstairs. Katniss's mother and Prim aren't down yet, so I decide to go down to the bakery to get the cheese buns she likes for breakfast.  
It's very quiet as I'm walking the streets of District 12. Sometimes quiet just means peaceful, but this quiet brings a feeling of terror, like the people are scared of going outside.  
I see someone looking through their window, and when they see I'm looking back they give me a look of pity. Maybe people don't like the Capitol, so they don't normally like us, but nobody can help being disgusted at what they have done.  
When I arrive at the bakery, my mother comes and embraces me. This is unusual for her, as even when me or my brothers were sick and off school, she would be kind but not overly caring. My mind goes to her shooing away a 12 year old, starving Katniss from our bins. I always liked Katniss, and I felt terrible that we had food and plenty of it, while she had nothing. I didn't want her to starve completely, so I burnt a couple of loaves of bread just enough so that we wouldn't be able to sell them. My mother shouted at me and hit me, saying we would have to feed it to the pigs and we had wasted money that would keep us alive. I went to feed it to the pigs, but instead threw them to Katniss and ran back in, too embarrassed to make eye contact.  
My mother is different now. She knows what we have both been through and is kinder for it.  
She gives me a bad of cheese buns and two loaves of bread, still warm. She sits me down to talk with my brothers, which I do, but then explain I have to go back and I'll see them soon.

♤♤♤

Katniss's POV 

After around three quarters of an hour, Peeta comes in with some bread for us. My mother takes them off him, and gives me, Prim and Peeta a cheese bun each. She slices a loaf and lays some goat's cheese from Lady onto them.  
We eat the loaf and make small talk but I find it hard to talk about normal things when we have the games looming over us.  
After a while Peeta suggests we go see Haymitch, so when we have finished our breakfast we go to see him.  
He is still asleep and there are a dozen empty bottles on the table, so he is definitely on a hangover. I prise the knife from his hands and Peeta shakes him awake. Somehow, considering how much he must have drank last night, he isn't in too bad a state.  
"So," he says, his neck not quite supporting the weight of his head, "I guess you heard the news."  
I assumed wrong then, he is in a very bad state.  
"Yes," Peeta is somehow managing to stay calm and not shout at him, but shout at him appears to be all I can do.  
"Do you not care? One of you two is going back into the arena with me, and the other is going to be the primary support. Only two of us are going to get out there alive. You can't just drink your life away any more Haymitch, we all need to support each other."  
He looks slightly taken aback at this, but replies "I know, I.. that wasn't.... wasn't a clever thing to do. But I don't have any more of that stuff- that was it. So I could be alot worse. Now, do you mind getting me some more-"  
"No- Katniss is right. We can't have you even slightly drunk Haymitch, it's not going to help any of us. Even you."  
I am surprised by Peeta's response but it does its work on Haymitch.  
" From this day onwards," Peeta says, "we are going to train hard, all three of us."  
Eventually we persuade Haymitch to agree and we begin training the very next day.


	4. The Reaping

Chapter 4

Katniss's POV

I wake alone, feeling cold without Peeta there, but he went to stay with his family for what might be the last time. It's the day of the reaping and the last day I can see my family, possibly forever.

My muscles ache from all the training we have been doing over the past few months.

Somehow my brain and my heart ache even more.

So many things have been bothering me. Of course it was only after we heard about the Quell that I regretted what me and Peeta had done. If we had waited one day then this wouldn't have happened. I desperately need to tell Peeta of my suspicions, but I can't. Not while people could hear. And I can't hurt him any more.

I get dressed and go down to the kitchen. My mother has prepared pancakes, toast, biscuits, strawberries and so many other things I find it hard to name. Even for us now with all this money, the spread is a genuine feast.

Arms wrap around me from behind and I turn to hug Prim.

"Thank you," I say. My mother smiles.

Good. I can't hurt anyone today.

We tuck into the food, which is just as lovely as the feast we had in the Capitol to celebrate my engagement. But this is better, because I can share it with my family.

♤♤♤

Haymitch comes to the front door to bring me to the reaping. He kept his promise and hasn't had a single drop of alcohol.

He jokily offers his arm and I laugh, because how long will I have left to do that?

We walk to the square and meet Peeta there.

Effie stands where she always does. I go into the ropes off area for the female tributes, and Peeta and Hatmitch go into the area for the Male tributes. It goes as always, with the mayor reading his speech.

Then Effie: " Ladies first."

She doesn't have her usual enthusiasm today.

She puts her hand into the reaping ball, struggling to pick up the lone pie e of paper.

"The female tribute... Katniss Everdeen."

I make my way up to the stage, trying to seem devoid of all emotion.

Effie gives me a look of sadness. She plunges her hand into the other reaping ball.

"The male tribute... Haymitch Abernathy," she says, and seems to let out a small sigh of relief, which I share. I can't let Peeta die. He needs to be safe.

But then the voice that I dreaded would happen.


	5. The Train

Chapter 5  
Peeta's POV

" I volunteer as tribute."  
My voice rings out clear across the square.  
Haymitch tries to stop me, but I won't let him. I need to protect Katniss.  
Out of nowhere, peacekeepers come and drag us to the train.  
"New procedure," one of then says to Katniss. I want them to get their hands off us, but if I fight, they will probably hurt her.  
I stare out to my family one last time, and find my new family, Katniss's mother and Prim. And I can see the pain in their eyes.

♤♤♤

On the train I find Katniss, and go to sit with her.  
"We can write letters. It will give them a piece of us to hang on to anyway." I say this, but of course we both know it's not the same.  
She turns to wrap her arms around me, hugging me so tight I struggle for breath. I return the hug, and kiss her forehead.   
"It's going to be okay, I know that sounds stupid," I say, and it does sound stupid, but it's the only way I can think to comfort her. "I promise you are going to be okay."  
I just about hear her slightly muffled voice, "no."  
"Katniss?"  
"It's never going to be okay. Never. At least one of us is going to die in that arena, and if it's you I will never forgive myself, and I don't think it's possible any more that I could cope without you."  
This hits me hard. She knows I love her, and she's kissed me enough times and done things with me that I know she must share the affection, but I have never heard her say this before.  
And it brings both love and pain.

♤♤♤

Katniss's POV 

I scream out of a nightmare, terrified. After a few seconds I feel Peeta's arms around me.  
When I am fully calmed down, he suggests watching more clips of the old Games. We decide to watch the 50th Hunger Games- the one Haymitch won.  
When we finish watching I feel as if I understand Haymitch more.


	6. Chariots

Chapter 6  
Peeta's POV 

I walk toward our chariot, and see Finnick talking to Katniss. He leaves as I get to it.  
"What did Finnick Odair want?" I ask.  
She leans in and whispers in my ear, "he offered me sugar and wanted to know all my secrets."  
For some reason this makes me uncomfortable. I don't want Finnick to be doing this, but I know its harmless, and I don't want to seem overprotective.  
"Ugh, not really," I say.  
We keep talking, but all I notice is how beautiful she is, and even more so compared to everyone else.  
We get into the chariot and clasp hands.

♤♤♤

Katniss's POV 

We make our way to the elevators after the chariot ride.   
"I need to talk to you about something," I say to Peeta.  
"Okay," he replies.  
We are in the elevator and so close to being alone when Johanna Mason walks in.  
She begins to complain about her outfit and takes it all off, so she is standing there. Naked.  
I look away as she stands there.  
Eventually the lift arrives at her floor and she leaves the elevator. Peeta smiles.  
"What?" I say.  
"You know it's just a massive joke to them right?" He says.  
"What's a joke?"  
"You know... Johanna doing that, Finnick... I mean, you're so... pure," he says. Normally I would be annoyed by this, but instead I just smile. I know he means well really, and I need to tell him-  
The elevator doors open and we go out onto our floor.

♤♤♤

Peeta's POV

"Katniss?"  
In front of us is a new avox. Someone from District 12.   
Darius  
I know I've never personally known Darius, but Katniss has, and I want to do whatever I can for her.  
She is just staring, Haymitch has her by the wrist, and I know I can't relieve her pain. But I can try to make it the best it's possible to be for her. The best I can make it. But it's unlikely she will let me.  
I look to Darius, and try to make an expression that best shows my sympathy. It's not much but there is nothing else I can do.  
We watch the reruns of the Chariot ride on the television, and we look amazing. Everyone watches in awe. Except Katniss.


	7. Roof

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realise these chapters are all so damned short, but they get longer pls stick around

Chapter 7  
Katniss's POV 

I sit on the roof waiting. I told Peeta to come here with me. I may have been scared by Darius but that's what the Capitol wants, and I can't let it show. Besides I have a more important thing to talk about.  
Soon I hear Peeta come up. He looks a little cautious- probably because the roof is where we come if we don't want what we are saying or doing being recorded. It can also just be peaceful but I know he knows it's the former rather than the latter.  
He comes over and we kiss- it feels like a beautiful wild butterfly fluttering around my chest. A feeling of wanting more.  
But that's how we got here in the first place.  
I pull away, and he clearly becomes sure something is very wrong.  
"Is it Darius?" He asks.  
I wait a second, and reply, "no."  
"Katniss I know something is bothering you, and it looks like it has for a while," he says, clearly reading my expression.  
My memory flashes back to us, sitting in the living room of Peeta's house in Victor's Village. The fire was going, some bread upon it. We kissed and hugged.  
My mother had wanted me back home so Peeta had lifted me up like a real bride and carried me on his artificial leg to my house. My mother and Prim had already gone to bed by the time we got in. We went to my room and lay on my bed. We did what everyone does on the night of their wedding. Which is exactly what we had just had. We had gone to Peeta's and done the wedding ritual toasting. No guests, but we love each other enough that that did not matter. We just wanted to be together. And we thought we would be able to.  
Until the next evening of course, when President Snow announced the Quarter Quell.  
"Katniss?" Peeta's voice snaps me back to reality.  
I look up to his face. The curly ash blonde hair that falls across his pale forehead. The soft blue eyes rimmed by blond eyelashes. They look so calm and loving, like they could do no harm. He looks so beautiful.  
"Katniss, tell me please."  
Finally I work up the courage to say it.


	8. Softest Eyes

Chapter 8  
Peeta's POV 

"I'm pregnant."  
This takes a minute to hit me. Then I'm overjoyed.  
Then I remember the Games.  
"You... you are?" I find it hard to get out my words.  
"Yes," she says. Her grey eyes look up to me and they look so different to normal. They are usually built up to try and hide emotions. They are usually determined. Strong. Ruthless.  
But they look so innocent. So nervous. So fearful. So vulnerable.  
I take her back into my arms and hug her tight. A small damp patch appears on my shirt, where she sobs.  
She feels so small. We're both so young. Only 17. How could anyone force us to go through this.  
"Katniss, I'm so sorry." I know the child is obviously mine.  
I hate myself. Why did I have to rush her into this? Why did I have to volunteer to go into the games when I could've protected her so much better as a mentor? Why didn't I just die in the first Games?  
It would've been so much better.  
So much better.  
"We don't need to tell anyone," I say. "They don't have to know if you don't want them to."  
She lifts her head to look at me. "No it's ok," She says. "At least Haymitch should know. He could help us work through it."  
"Yeah," I say. My throat barely let's me get out the word. "Okay."  
She hugs back closer. "When do we tell him?"  
"Whenever you are ready."

♤♤♤

Haymitch's POV

I walk the corridors of District 12's floor. It's so quiet. At first my body found it hard to deal without the alcohol to wash it all away, but I do feel better.  
I struggle up the stairs to the roof, and see the two Victors of 12 sitting on the ledge.  
The boy looks up and I can see his eyes look red.   
But I can tell this is a trivial matter, so I hold back any sarcastic comments.  
"What can I do?" I say.


	9. Knots

Chapter 9  
Peeta's POV 

It's the day before the interviews and I lie beside Katniss. I don't want to move in case I wake her.  
She looks so peaceful asleep.  
I lay there until her eyes flutter open, and pull her into an embrace. I want to be able to do this all the time. I want to hug her and protect her from the rest of the world. But I can't.  
An avox girl comes in and hands us a note. It reads 

As you only had the training last year and have been on the tour, and you didn't make complete fools of yourselves, we have decided you can have the day off. -Effie and Haymitch

"We'll have the whole day to ourselves," I say.  
"It's too bad we can't go anywhere," she replies.  
I smile. "Who says we can't?" Maybe this will be the last time we are ever truly happy.

♤♤♤

We decide to go to the roof. We have a picnic, play games and just lie on the roof. I watch Katniss practicing her knot tying skills on some vines.  
Some people may just mistake it for us fatting up for the games, but I can see her stomach has expanded. Not enough for most people to tell, but if you know about her being pregnant it isn't hard to see.

We stay on the roof all day, and even with our possible deaths hanging in the distance, it is one of the best days of my life.

After a while, I am sitting with Katniss's head in my lap. I stroke and play with her hair, saying I'm practising my knot tying too. I know it is an obvious lie, but it's so nice to sit here together. The sun shines across her dark hair, turning it golden brown.

"What?" she asks, and I realise my hands have gone still.

"I wish I could freeze this moment, right here, right now and live in it forever," I say. I realise this could be too much for her; I don't want to make her feel guilty if she doesn't feel quite as strongly as me, and I don't want to make her feel guilty.

I go to apologize, and I hear a small but sure, "OK."

I smile, though nobody can see, and say, "Then you'll allow it?"

"I'll allow it," she says. I go to stroke her hair and she falls asleep.

I don't want to move her because it feels so nice, her resting and putting her faith in me. In that arena, I need to save her, even if it's at my own expense. I know that there aren't many people who really care about me, but I realise now that even though there are so many people I care about and would be so broken if they died, most of them do not truly return that feeling. Death in the districts is so common that most people just grieve for a couple of months and then return to normal. If I died in the arena, nobody would be truly broken. Probably even Katniss would be fine. She would get over it. Maybe she could even live a life with Gale if she wanted. Or just live alone. Or she could live with her mother and Prim. If I died, it would be fine.

If Katniss died, so many people would break down. She doesn't realise how many people care for her. Her mother. Gale. Prim. Madge. Even Effie and Haymitch care for her. Maybe she acts like she couldn't care less sometimes, but I sense that's because she doesn't want people to become attached and then hurt them.

And if she died and I got out alive, there would be nothing for me.

Nothing.

I decide to move and gently lay Katniss's head down on my jumper so I do not wake her.

I make my way back into the building and find Haymitch to talk to him.

"What is it?" he asks.

"In the arena, no matter what and I don't care if it goes against any of your plans, you don't save me. You save Katniss."


	10. The Interviews

Chapter 10

Katniss's POV

This morning my prep team are very emotional. By the end, it's just Venia rushing to keep up without the other two.

Eventually Cinna turns up and dismisses her.

He brings in a white dress.

A Wedding dress.

Finally I can't take it anymore. I break down.

♤♤♤

Peeta's POV

I find it hard to act normal when Portia hands me my Interview Outfit. It's the sort of outfit people in the capitol wear for weddings.

"President Snow requested it, and though we tried we could not change his mind," Portia tells me. She gives me a sad look.

"It's fine," I say. "I mean, it's such an impressive outfit. There's nothing like that back in District 12." I try to smile. I don't want to cause any of these people pain.

♤♤♤

Soon I am sitting in my chair along with 23 others. Caesar brings the Victors up one by one, and most people have the same strategy: make the Capitol citizens hate the idea of the Games.

Each tribute that appears in on whatever it is says how the capitol is their family, president snow is all powerful and amazing, they love the people so much and they all seem to beg the same thing- stop the Games.

When Katniss goes up everyone is in tears and Caesar is struggling to hold them back from being so loud.

I notice for the first time Katniss in her wedding dress.

It pains me to see. And it is hard to tell, but Cinna has made the dress larger to fit her growing stomach.

After around two minutes, Caesar appears to have managed to say, "So, Katniss, obviously this is an emotional night for everyone. Is there anything you would like to say?"

She smiles. "Only that I'm so sorry you won't get to be at my wedding... but I'm glad you at least get to see me in my dress. Isn't it just... the most beautiful thing?"

Then she gets up to show it to the crowd. I smile.

But then as she starts twirling my heart stops. She is enveloped by fire.

The crowd gasps. I want to run and help her, but the guards see me, obviously anticipating my next move, and I know that I have to stay seated.

After a few seconds the fire begins to die down and reveals the same dress, but in black, and when she lifts her arms, there are two wings. Black with a white tip. She has been turned into a Mockingjay.

The audience breaks into a great applause, and amongst all the noise you can just make out the buzzer going. Katniss walks back to her seat and I get up. I'm so terrified by what I'm about to do that I can't bring myself to make eye contact with her.

I arrive at the chair and sit down.

Caesar begins to talk. "Wow, well that was a very impressive show."

"Yeah. It, um... it kind of reminded me of the first time I helped my mom cook."

"Really? Well we've all over cooked things before."

"Although I have to admit the bird I cooked definitely didn't have feathers after I burnt it." We laugh, but I think he has caught on that I have something I want to say.

"So, Peeta, what was it like when, after all you've been through, you found out about the Quell?" asks Caesar.

"I was in shock. I mean, one minute I'm seeing Katniss look so beautiful in all these wedding gowns, and the next..."

"You realised there was never going to be a wedding?"

I want to say it. I need to. It will help us in the games if I say it. Maybe even stop them. At least it might bring Katniss out of the games.

I want it to be secret and there are so many consequences of saying it. Everyone will know. My parents. Katniss's Mother. Prim. Gale.

And I can't hurt Katniss. I have done that enough already.

But there is still the hope there that it might stop the games, so without knowing, I start saying, "Caesar, do you think all our friends here can keep a secret?"

Stop.

"I feel quite certain of it."

I need to stop.

"We're already married."

I didn't stop. I need to. I can't tell them. I can't hurt her.

Caesar seems baffled. "But... how can that be?"

I can't help it, I need to protect us. I will apologize later.

"Well, it isn't exactly official. In twelve we have a sort of ritual, we um... get bread, toast it over a fire together... and if I'm honest," I look up to Katniss, trying to make sure I know I haven't hurt her yet. She smiles to me through tears. I look back to the crowd, "I feel closer to her than any Capitol wedding or slip of paper or party could make me. Of course it was just us, I mean, Katniss's mother would not have agreed but... I guess we just wanted to be together as much as possible."

The audience looks teary.

"So this was before the Quell?"

"Of course!" I begin to get annoyed. I'm good at speaking in front of audiences normally, but now I just want it to be over. I don't want to just relive the pain. I want that to be a happy memory.

But there is no chance for that.

I continue, "Of course, I mean, if we knew we wouldn't have done it. We went through all this and just wanted some peace, which we found in each other. Nobody saw this coming, if we had..."

Caesar tries to console me. "I agree, nobody could have foreseen this... but at least you have had a few happy months together."

"I wish we had waited, done the whole thing officially."

"Surely a brief time is better than none?"

"Maybe I would agree with you," I say. I might as well finish this. It's the best possibility of protection I can give her.

"If it weren't for the baby."

And even though I had planned this anyway as a lie to protect her, I know now that it is true.


	11. See You Soon

Chapter 11

Katniss's POV

The audience is shouting so loud. Peeta stands next to me, also crying, like so many others. I am surprised I haven't been shaken apart as the anthem has been turned up so you can feel it in your bones. I clasp Peeta's hand close. I don't think I would be able to stay standing without it. The lights are so hot, I feel nauseous and unstable. I turn to Chaff and offer my hand.

Up and down the row of Victors, everyone begins to hold hands. The capitol people begin to notice, and everything turns off, leaving us to stumble around and get out.

♤♤♤

When I get out of the elevator back to the floor for district 12 I run for my room and throw up.

Peeta bursts in after me, looking worried. I have to reassure him I'm fine. I know that pregnancy can lead to nausea and so I am convinced this is completely normal. After a few minutes I have convinced him that there is nothing wrong, and he embraces me.

"I am so sorry, Katniss."

"It's okay," I say.

"No it isn't. It's the furthest from ok that it is possible to be. You shouldn't be forced to go through this."

"Peeta," I say, pulling away, "This isn't your fault. We both knew the consequences. Okay, neither of us could have seen this, but that includes you and it is not your fault."

He looks so innocent, so scared that he has hurt me. "Is there anything I said in the interview that I have to apologize for?"

I shake my head and hug him again. "Peeta..."

"Yes?"

I look up at him.

"I love you."

♤♤♤

Peeta's POV

I am woken with Katniss by Cinna and Portia.

"I'll see you soon," I say to Katniss, kissing her forehead lightly.

"See you soon." She smiles.

"I don't want to leave you."

"I don't want to leave you either," she says, "But we will be together again soon."

And then I am led by Portia away from her.

We go to a different part of the roof, and I step on the ladder which freezes me in position with an electric current. Even though I can't move, I do appear to jump a little still when I touch it.

When the ladder has brought me up to the hovercraft, a woman gets a needle and injects the tracker in my arm. It hurts, but it is over within a second and I am released from the electric current.

Portia helps me dress into a blue jumpsuit, a plastic purple belt and rubber and nylon shoes.

After a couple of hours, we go from the hovercraft to an underground room. I step onto the metal plate and say goodbye to Portia. A glass cylinder comes down around me and the metal plate rises.


	12. The Arena

Chapter 12

Peeta's POV

The sun blinds me and it takes a few seconds to see my surroundings.

The golden cornucopia is in front of me, on a patch of sand. There are spokes of sand running down separating off slices of salty-smelling water that hold two tributes each. Behind me there is a beach that slopes up to jungle. I try to look for Katniss, but I can't see her, so I assume she is the other side of the cornucopia.

There is so much water. It is so hot. I want to jump into the water, but living in District 12, I have no idea how to swim.

After exactly a minute, the gong goes.

I am stuck on the plate, unsure of what to do.

I see Katniss at the cornucopia. I can see she shares a brief conversation with Finnick and then spots me.

She runs down a strip of sand, Finnick following.

I can tell she is ready to dive in the water but Finnick stops her and launches himself across the water to me. He puts his arms up on the metal plate and I can see Haymitch's gold band on his wrist.

"Guess we're allies then," I say.

I jump in and he pulls me over to the strip of sand with Katniss on. I get up and hug her.

"Hello again," I say kissing her, "We have allies."

"Yes. Just like Haymitch Intended," she says back.

"Remind me, did we make deals with anyone else?"

She tucks a strip of wet black hair behind her ear. "Just Mags I think." I turn to see the old woman standing beside me.

"Well," Finnick chimes in, "I can't leave Mags behind. She's one of the few people who actually like me."

"Katniss wanted her on the first day," I say, and smile.

Finnick replies, "Katniss has remarkably good judgement."

Suddenly Katniss doubles over, clutching her stomach.

I rush to her, "Are you ok? Are you hurt?"

"Cramps," I hear her say.

Finnick looks around as if unsure of what to do in this situation, and then states, "we need to get weapons and get out of here." I nod and, seeing Katniss is finding it hard to move, pick her up.

Finnick and Mags load themselves up with weapons and pass me a few, and we run down a strip of sand to the jungle. I find it hard with my artificial leg, carrying Katniss and the fact that even walking on sand is hard. We soon get far into the jungle and have to stop because there is a slope. We begin to walk up the slope and Katniss clings to me. As we are walking I talk to her.

"You sure you're ok? Can I help?"

"I'm fine. It just hurts. A lot. But I get cramps like this on my period sometimes so I can deal with it. Where are we going?"

"As far from the Cornucopia as possible, I'm guessing."

After a while her cramps stop and I can put her down, which is good because I didn't want to say but my arms have started aching.

We get quite far up the slope, with Finnick at the front, slashing at the foliage with his knife, and Katniss screams for him to stop. Finnick turns.

"What is it?" he asks.

Katniss points in front of him, "There is a force field right there." She sees us all looking at her, puzzled and adds, "I can hear it... huh, just with the ear the Capitol reconstructed." It is such an obvious lie, but as me and Haymitch are probably the only people who can pick it out, I don't say anything.

♤♤♤

It begins to go dark and we still haven't found any water. Mags found some nuts earlier, and Finnick says there is bound to be seafood in the water, but no-one suggests going back down there because the Careers are likely there.

I can tell Katniss is exhausted so I suggest setting up camp for the night.

Mags weaves mats out of tall grass she sees, and Finnick helps her secure them into a shelter.

I vote to have first watch, because I know everyone else is tired, and if I can, I want to talk to Katniss as alone as possible. I know at the with the cameras there will never be a truly private moment for the both of us ever again, but I don't want Finnick listening in.

Mags says something unintelligible that I assume means she is ok with me having first watch, and Finnick agrees. They are both asleep within half an hour and it is just me and Katniss left awake.

"Peeta?"

I turn to Katniss to show I'm listening.

"What are we going to do? I trust Mags, but I'm not sure about Finnick. I mean, I don't want to kill either of them, but... I'm also not sure if I can trust them to keep you alive." She looks so fragile.

"Hey," I say softly, "don't worry about me. Worry about yourself. You need to keep yourself safe and I'm going to make sure that you are safe too."

At this she looks concerned. "Peeta, if I'm going to be looking after both of us so do you. You have to look out for yourself too." I look away. "Peeta, please."

"Katniss, it really doesn't matter if I look after myself or not. I'm not getting out of here alive, so I might as well just concentrate on getting you out of here."

I decide to turn back to her again, and she looks so horrified with me, it feels like someone is holding my heart out of my reach and stamping on it again and again.

"How dare you say that," she retorts angrily. "I am not letting you die in here-"

"Well you are going to have to." Her face turns into a look of genuine hurt. I don't normally lash out like this, and I feel bad as soon as I say it. "I have to get you and the baby out alive. Besides, if I didn't make it back nobody would really care."

"What about me? You think I won't care?"

"Maybe you will, but you would get on with your life. You wouldn't be tied to me, you would be free to live your life how you want. You could find someone else, live with your family, or on your own and you wouldn't be harassed by people to be with me if you didn't want to."

She stares right into my eyes. They look so kind yet so harsh. "And what if I want to be with you? Peeta, I love you, do you not see that? Okay I know sometimes I shut people out, but if you died and I lived I would be so broken."

I go to talk and she kisses me. And I kiss back. We fit together perfectly, and I don't want anything else. I don't care about the cameras. I let the whole world see that I love her and nobody else.

Eventually we break away, and I let her fall asleep, to leave me guarding all three of them.

♤♤♤

Katniss's POV

I walk among the meadow. The flowers are so pretty. Orange. Peeta's favourite colour. I see him sitting with a child, a baby girl. I go to lie down by him. It feels so nice. So warm. Then he starts shouting.

"KATNISS, KATNISS WAKE UP!"

I jolt out of my dream and see Peeta.

"KATNISS WAKE UP, WE HAVE TO GO!"


	13. Cold Of The Night

Chapter 13  
Katniss's POV

We are running, pursued by Brutus and Enobaria from District 2. I can tell Peeta is struggling with his prosthetic leg over the undergrowth, and Finnick is having to carrying Mags.  
I get my bow and load an arrow from my quiver that Peeta got for me from the cornucopia. I stop for a second to let the arrow fly, but someone- who I assume is Cashmere- grabs me from behind and drags me across the ground. I scream and thrash and try to escape her grip, but she has a tight hold on me and I am weaker from the baby. She wraps her arm around my throat and I feel like I am about to pass out.  
I am about to give up when her arm is wrenched off me and I can breathe again. I fall to the floor and look up to see Finnick shoving her away from me. He gets his trident and I look away. I hear her fall to the ground and a cannon goes off, signifying her death.  
I can feel Finnick, lifting me up- not as carefully as Peeta, but at this point I'm not exactly bothered because he just saved my life.  
He runs until we get to the beach, where I see Peeta, but no Mags.  
As soon as Peeta sees me, he comes to remove me from Finnick's arms.  
"Peeta, are you ok?" I say. I can see blood smeared across his face.  
He puts me down.  
"Yeah I'm fine. Are you ok?" I can see him staring at my neck, and I know there must be a bruise there.  
"Yeah." I realise my voice sounds croaky and unconvincing, so I say it again, trying to make it clearer. "Yeah. Cashmere got to me."  
He makes a face halfway between a smile and a frown.  
"Where's Mags?"  
Finnick comes up to me from surveying the jungle. "Well... Brutus, Enobaria and Gloss got to us. Peeta got Brutus, but Enobaria came up to me from behind. I didn't see, so Mags walked right in front of the knife."  
"I'm sorry."  
"I guess she wasn't going to make it too long anyway, so at least she didn't die in vain. After that Peeta heard you scream, and I told him I'd get you and meet him at the beach. I think Gloss retreated afterwards, and Enobaria was pretty badly injured. Anyway, it looks pretty safe down here. You two sleep, I'll keep watch."  
Neither me or Peeta objects. He probably needs to mourn for Mags and me and Peeta are both exhausted.  
After a while of lying on the sand in Peeta's arms, sleep finds me and takes me away into oblivion.

♤♤♤

I walk through the forest, and see Peeta. I run up to him and he hugs me tight.  
"I hate you," he says and begins to strangle me. His face morphs into president snow and her keeps strangling me. Eventually I can't breathe but I can still see him. Another version of Peeta stands over me.   
"I'm glad you're dead. I don't need to protect you now. Your family is better now they don't have you. Gale is better without you. You just weigh everyone down." Then he starts kicking me. Theres more people, people from district 12. They are all hitting me and kicking me. I can't move and I just feel more and more pain until-

♤♤♤

I wake screaming from the nightmare and Peeta wraps me in his arms.  
"It's ok. It's not real. Katniss, it's ok."  
I relax in his arms, but I know i won't be able to sleep.   
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Finnick about seven meters away, looking at us. He looks like he is trying to calculate something, answer a question. He shakes his head like it's nothing and stares back out to the water.


	14. A Gift To The Tributes

Chapter 14

Peeta's POV

I run after Katniss, who jolted into the jungle saying she felt sick. I don't doubt this as it has happened a lot recently, and I had happened before she told me. She was just very good at hiding it so she wouldn't hurt anyone.

I make sure nobody is going to attack her, and when she has finished we go back to the beach. But there is no sign of Finnick anywhere. His trident is gone, and he isn't in our line of sight. I panic, thinking our one ally has left us to survive it alone, and given us one more obstacle in the way of getting out of here. Then I see his bronze hair and the rest of his head rise from the water. He swims to shore, wielding his trident, which is spearing 3 fish.

"Breakfast, anyone?" he says.

♤♤♤

Katniss's POV

The fish is good and salty, but we still haven't found water, and I am dehydrated so badly already.

Just as I am thinking this, a silver parachute floats down from the sky and Peeta rushes toward it.

He brings out a silvery metal tube with a slightly lipped end. I have seen this sort of thing before. It is an old memory, but if I could just about grasp it-

Finnick starts to say something. "What do you think it could b-"

"A SPILE!" I exclaim, taking it out of Peeta's hand to examine. I realise this seems rude, but I mouth sorry to him and he doesn't seem to mind. "It's like a sort of tap, almost. You put it in the right tree, and sap would come out of it. But I am guessing that in these trees it isn't sap, but rather water."

"I have no idea how you know that," says Finnick, "but you are a genius."

I blush, but Peeta looks proud.

We walk into the jungle a little way and cut a small gap into a tree with a knife. I insert the spile into the gap, and nothing happens.

I am so disappointed that I am about to take it out and throw it into the water, but then I think to move it around a little, and a small, but real stream of water starts dripping out. I go to drink a little and I instantly feel better. I then move out of the way to let Peeta and Finnick have a drink, and when they have both had some water I go back for more. Finnick comes up with the idea to weave baskets out of grass, and they are so tightly woven that they can carry water. We fill them up and drink, then we fill them back up and take them down to the beach with us. I am careful to remove the spile from the tree so we don't lose it, and when we are on the beach I wrap it in the material of the silvery parachute and tuck it into my purple belt.

Peeta sits next to me, trying to arrange his artificial leg in a way that isn't awkward and won't impose on my space. I insist its fine but he says it doesn't matter and it doesn't make it harder for him.

Sometimes he amazes me with how kind he can be, and even if it inconveniences him he is still so caring and generous. But sometimes he can be so protective that he does put barriers in the way of others to stop them hurting people he cares about. Or even people I care about that he has barely even spoken to.

And I remember that he loves me. Me. An average but gaunt, rude and less than pretty girl from the seam. How does he see me as beautiful, kind, and worth risking his and others lives for?

I wish for the millionth time that these games would end, that I could live a life with Peeta. Happily, and without us being plagued by death and watched by cameras. Where we could live in peace with our child. Where the child probably wouldn't die before being born. A kinder world. A safer world. Sometimes I wonder whether this is why Peeta is always so kind, so protective. Because we all just want the world to be kind and safe. But never will we get that peace.


	15. Screaming To Laughing

Chapter 15

Katniss's POV

When it's morning I have to throw up again, and we get another round of fish for breakfast along with some water that is warmer than I would have liked it to be.   
Soon we see figures emerging from the forest and I automatically reach for my bow and string an arrow. There are three figures, each covered in a thick red substance. As they near I can tell they are Johanna, Wiress and Beetee.

♤♤♤

Peeta's POV 

All the six of us allies- Katniss, Me, Finnick, Johanna, Beetee and Wiress- wallow in the water trying to rub off the blood that rained down in the sky. They tell us what happened, and we listen. How Johanna lost her district partner when he hit the forcefield, and how they opened their mouths for a drink when the rain came, and it turned out to be blood. They say that at different times of the day, a different disaster happens in one of the 12 sectors of the arena. And that's when a massive wave crashes through the jungle, we hear a cannon go off, and it frees itself onto the beach, the water level rising so much we have to run into the forest. We only just escape before it comes all the way up to the edge of the forest.

"So," Johanna says, "No chance you found any water?"

Katniss's eyes widen as she removes the spile from her belt.

Johanna sneers. "I'm alright thanks..."

I step in, desperate to defend Katniss even if it is just a sarcastic comment, "No, you put it in a tree and water comes out," I get my knife out and cut a hole in a tree, "Look."

Katniss puts the spile in and wiggles it around until a small stream of water begins to pour out. Johanna rushes to it and drinks loads before pulling away and letting Wiress and Beetee have a drink.

♤♤♤

We are waiting a while saying nothing. Waiting for someone to break the uneasy silence.

And I hear two screams, one of my father and one of Prim. Me and Katniss share a split-second uneasy look and run deeper into the jungle. I can hear Katniss calling for Prim, and I run around to find my father, but whenever I get close it moves around. I finally estimate the sound to be coming from a tree, and just as I go to climb it, a bird falls down with an arrow in it and the screaming has stopped. The bird is a jabberjay. I turn to see Katniss running up to me.

I hug her when she gets to me, and stroke her hair. She is roughly 4 months pregnant and her stomach sticks out into mine a little. "It's okay," I say. "It's just a jabberjay. I guess you know that though."

"Peeta, where did they get it from? That was Prim and your father. Where did they get the sound of their screams?"

I tense.

And then I hear another scream. My mother. There is more. Katniss's mother, my brothers, Gale, Prim and my father again.

Katniss tries to shoot them down, but I can tell it's hard for her to get a good shot so I grab her hand and whisper "Run."

We keep running and running until we see the beach, where sit our allies. Just as we reach the beach, I run headfirst into a wall. It isn't a forcefield like the one that domes around the arena, but it is invisible and we can't get past. I look to Katniss as she curls over on the floor. I wrap my arms around her as if I am protecting her, though there is nothing I can really protect her from. That's how Capitol torture works. You can't protect yourself or anyone else because it is just in your head. Messing with your head is the most painful torture there is.

♤♤♤

After the Jabberjays have stopped, the invisible wall is gone and Katniss has passed out. I reposition my leg and hug Katniss until she wakes. I assure her it is ok, but even though the Jabberjays have stopped everything is far from ok.

Finnick takes us to the water and offers to teach us to dive for clams and oysters. Katniss declines, as she is too exhausted but me and Beetee both agree and he shows us. We gather food for everyone and I find a clam with a pearl in it. I swim to the shore and drag my wet form across the beach to Katniss.

I give it her, and suddenly a thought rushes to mind. I say, completely seriously, "You know, if you put enough pressure on coal it turns into pearls." She laughs and I smile at this. It brings me warmth to be able to make her laugh.

"Thank you."


	16. Spinning

Chapter 16

Katniss's POV

That is when it hits me. What Wiress has been saying.

Tick Tock.

The arena is a clock.

Each of the twelve sections of the arena indicates an hour of the day that a disaster happens.

"It's a clock." I barely even register I have said it.

Finnick and Peeta exchange a strange look and then both stare at me. Its Finnick that speaks, "What's a clock?"

"The arena. It's a clock." Both Finnick and Peeta jump up from where they were sitting on the beach and look around the arena, taking what I have said in.

Finnick rushes over to Johanna, who is tapping a tree, and me and Peeta rush to Wiress and Beetee.

We all run to the cornucopia- of course with me and Peeta both lagging behind a little- and Beetee points out that the tree where the lightning strikes is indicated by the tail of the golden horn. The lighting strikes there at 12, so the tail of the cornucopia points to twelve, and the other sections are the other hours, counting to another horror. Wiress points to the sun.

"Three..."

"... O' Clock," Beetee finishes for her.

And that's when the ground starts to spin.

♤♤♤

Peeta's POV

Katniss and I reach each other just as the small circle of rock and sand that holds the cornucopia begins to turn more violently. We hold onto one another and the rocks as we are thrown through sand and saltwater and screams. I can feel my hand being loosened slightly from the now slippery rock, so with my other hand I hold tighter and lift my arm to a higher rock. Katniss next to me seems to be falling a little, so I let one of the rocks go and pull my arm around her. Over the loud rushing of waves I hear a sudden scream and see a blur that appears to be Wiress and Johanna fall into the unforgivable depths of the water.

The spinning begins to slow and comes to a complete stop. Johanna climbs back up to the rock, but I can't see Wiress. One Cannon goes off and gives the answer to why I can't find her.

I help Katniss up as she is clearly struggling with her expanding almost 5-month pregnant stomach. It is obvious to see now and the blue wetsuits aren't helping conceal it. I think back to the capitol again. No doubt President Snow is enjoying this- our every moment that should be private is being broadcast around an entire country. The Capitol residents are probably sitting in their overly-furnished mansions, eating as much food as they can before they throw up, and enjoying the drama and suspense of it all. I can't really point the blame at them, seeing as they don't know any better, but sometimes I just wish that they would do something other than sit on their backsides and be brought whatever they demand at the push of a button. Honestly, people in the Capitol probably have an extra button to call for someone to bring the button that calls things to them. All whilst there are people in the districts going through hell starving, being whipped, and having their children forced to probably die in an arena.

We all gather back to the golden horn of the hunger games, and I note there are only 5 of us left in the group of allies, and only 10 people left in the arena in total. I remember hearing cannons go off occasionally.

"Well I guess we can't tell the time properly now," Finnick says. It isn't supposed to be directed at anyone negatively, but I can see in Katniss's eyes she is worried it is a direct attack to her.

"Hey," I say to her, " It's okay. He doesn't mean you." She appears to brighten at this a little.

Finnick looks to Johanna and gives her a look that asks whether she is ok, and she gives him a look back that indicates she is fine and doesn't want to be messed with. Finnick turns his attention to Beetee. "You said it was three, right?"

Beetee nods. "I think so. Or nearly three."

We walk (Finnick wanted to run, but I protested against this a s it would waste energy and me and Katniss aren't exactly in the best state to run, considering that she is far into pregnancy and I have a heavy prosthetic leg) down to the sector that Beetee assumes is the 3 o' clock sector. I hear a scream come from that sector, and growling, and a cannon. One of the Morphlings from District 6 runs out and is pursued to the beach by what look like monkeys. As soon as they get to the beach, they fall down to the ground and a second cannon goes. I can see now that a large amount of blood is mixed with their camouflage.

We walk away and let a hovercraft pick up the bodies.

8 tributes left.

♤♤♤

Katniss's POV

We drink water that Johanna tapped from a tree, and Beetee tells us his plan. I lean against Peeta, who strokes my shoulder, as he is explaining about the wire he rescued from the cornucopia and how if we connected it to the lightning tree just before midnight and leave the other end of the wire on the beach. Beetee explains the sand will still be wet when we from the 10 o'clock wave when the lightning strikes, so if we were to stay in the Jungle and the other tributes went to the beach, they would be eliminated.

I realise this means that there will only be us five left. So when everyone decides to have a rest now and save their energy for the night, I say to Peeta, "We need to go."

He looks to me. "Okay."


	17. Death As Lightning

Chapter 17

Peeta's POV

Katniss and I again volunteer to keep watch. I know that I haven't had all that much sleep in my time in the arena, but I can cope with small amounts of sleep.  
"When should we go?" I say.  
She contemplates this for a small while. "I'm not sure. I don't know if we can even trust anyone in here except each other." I know what she means.  
The others haven't exactly tried to kill us yet, but there are only three other people still in the games apart from us five allies which means it won't be long until we have to turn on each other. The thought of this makes me uneasy as Finnick isn't actually too bad and neither are Johanna or Beetee really. Finnick has a sense of humour and is nicer when you get to know him. Johanna is still quite boisterous but she is nice and respects people. Beetee is extremely clever and systematic, and even though I haven't spoken with him much I can tell he is even more inquisitive than people expect.  
But we still can't trust them to turn on us any given moment.  
"How about," I say, "we stick around until midnight, when we get rid of the beach, and then we can go."  
"Ok."  
She comes closer to me and embraces me. I know she loves me, she has made that truly clear to me now, but it is still a shock when she wraps her arms around me first. And once again, we found light within each other from the midst of darkness.

♤♤♤

It is now roughly 10 o'clock, as Beetee is now saying whilst looking to the sky. We are at the lightning tree.  
"So," Beetee says, "Katniss and Johanna, if you could take the wire down t the beach-"  
"I'll go with Katniss," I say, interrupting Beetee. I feel bad about interrupting him but I also don't want Katniss to be out of my sight. I'm not controlling, but in the games she could be killed within seconds, so I'm not going to just let that happen.  
"But Peeta, I need you here."  
I look to Katniss. "I will be fine."  
"I know you will," I say to her, "But I don't want to risk you."  
"HEY," Johanna, "No offence Volts, but I am definitely going to swap with the lover boy."  
Beetee sighs. "Fine."

♤♤♤

Katniss's POV

Me and Peeta walk down quite far before the taught wire suddenly becomes limp.  
We look up at each other, and Enobaria gets Peeta from behind.  
"Peeta!" I cry out, running after him, when Johanna pins me down and stabs a knife into my arm. I yell in pain, and in the distance I can hear Peeta screaming my name.  
Johanna twists the knife in my arm and all I can understand is pain. I don't know how loud I'm screaming, or for how long. I just notice the pain. Pain. So much pain.  
I try to push myself up in a futile effort to run away, but Johanna just pushes me down again.  
"Just stay down, will you?"  
Then she turns as if she has heard something, wrenches the knife out and runs.

♤♤♤

Peeta's POV

I can hear Katniss screaming as I am dragged away by Enobaria.  
I keep yelling her name but I don't think she can hear me. I wrestle to try to escape Enobaria's grasp, but another pair of hands I assume is Gloss grabs me too. I accept my fate, hoping I have done enough to save Katniss, and the second pair of hands wrenches me away from Enobaria and down to the ground. I hear a cannon and see Finnick standing with his trident. He forces it into the ground and turns, a knife in your hand. He goes to plunge it into my left forearm, but appears to hear a noise and looks flustered.  
"Stay there," he says, throwing the knife so it just catches the side of my bad leg before it hits the damp earth.  
I hold in the screams, and feel blood coming from where I bite my lip.  
Somehow, I don't think I really trust anyone in this arena anymore. Except Katniss.  
I can trust Katniss.  
Katniss.  
I call her name again, but there isn't any reply. I didn't hear another canon, but its possible there was one. I looks around, and find her on the ground. I check for a pulse and find it. Deciding she is just unconscious, I go to pick her up and as she is in my arms I hear her take a short, pained breath.  
"Katniss?" I say softly. "Katniss are you okay?" I see blood dripping from her forearm, and instantly know she I not.  
She says something I can't hear, so I just say, "I'm sorry, we should have gone earlier. I'm going to get you away from here, okay? Nod if you can hear me?"  
She nods.

♤♤♤

Katniss's POV

I fight to stay conscious whilst Peeta carries me, afraid that if I sleep I might not wake back up.  
My arm throbs. I am surprised Peeta can still carry me, considering the fact that he has a prosthetic and injured leg, and I am 5 months pregnant.  
I don't cry. I owe it to too many people to cry.  
I try to stay focused on the soft jumping up and down as Peeta walks, because focusing on something helps me to ignore the immense pain.  
I worry about Peeta trying to carry me, so I tell him I'll walk, but he doesn't let me.  
After a good while we settle down on the ground and become entangled in one another's arms. I notice we are in the sector next to the lightning tree, and I can hear bugs clicking all around us. It has not sounded this loud before in other sectors, so I assume they are deadly and tell Peeta we should leave.  
We walk to the lightning tree, and I can see Beetee knocked out on the floor.  
Then Finnick comes out of the bushes holding a trident, ready to throw and I just freeze. I fall to the floor, feeling so helpless. Feeling sick.   
I turn away.  
I can hear Peeta fighting toward Finnick. I think Finnick is trying to stop him.  
Then I remember what Haymitch said.  
Remember who the real enemy is.  
I pull out an arrow.

♤♤♤

Peeta's POV 

"Stop Peeta stop!" Finnick keeps saying, but I ignore him, slashing my sword in his direction. He holds his trident out in defence but I knock it out of his hands to the ground. He kneels down.  
"Please."  
I have never heard Finnick plead.  
And I have never killed anyone.  
So I don't bring my sword down in an arc. I can't.  
Instead I pick up his trident and walk away. Afraid of what I nearly did. I see Katniss, Bow with an arrow in hands, a wire connected to the arrow.  
I look up and see lightning is about to strike the tree.  
"KATNISS!"  
I barely register myself screaming to her.  
She turns her head for a second, looks to the sky, and lets the arrow fly, before she begins to run to me.  
I start toward her and we are both blown backward in a flash of light.

♤♤♤

A claw lifts Katniss up, I can just about see it.  
No.  
She can't be dead.  
She can't be.  
I did so much to try and save her.  
But I failed.  
I was so stupid.  
Stupid.

♤♤♤

I see another claw pick me up and I am confused. I am not dead. If I was dead I wouldn't be able to see or hear or feel or smell.  
But I can't move.  
And I don't care anymore, so I pass out as before I reach the hovercraft above me.

◇◇◇


	18. Waking Up Apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO the chapters are going to go a little weird occasionally, but don't worry because this was originally posted as multiple books on Wattpad, so this would be the end of All The Lies and the beginning of Stories Don't Ring True

Chapter 1  
Peeta's POV 

I wake in a cold room. It is dark with no windows, there is only a metal door, and it is shut.  
Katniss is nowhere I can see, and the room is so small and bare.  
I lie on a mattress on the floor, wearing a bloodstained blue jumpsuit and a strange purple belt.  
The games flood back into my head. We were allies with Finnick, Johanna, and Beetee. Katniss shot an arrow at the forcefield surrounding the arena, and it all went down. All the Capitol networks set up. We were injured and knocked to the ground. And I didn't save Katniss.   
I didn't save her.  
She's gone.  
And it's my fault.

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV 

The hospital bed is cold and lonely. The room is too sterile, too white.  
There are so many tribes going in and out of me.  
In the past few days, doctors have come in and out, propping me up on pillows, adjusting the tubes, asking me how I am.   
I never reply. I don't need to.  
They should know how I feel.  
They didn't rescue Peeta.

◇◇◇

I drift in and out of consciousness, trying to escape the nightmares and then realising reality is just as bad and wanting to sink back into sleep.  
Back nearly 2 years ago, before the first games, I didn't feel like I needed anything else. I was fine and just wanted to be solitary, didn't want anything to change.  
But then Peeta was forced into my life and I began to love him. And now I can't live without him.   
But I'm going to have to.

◇◇◇

My mind drifts to the baby.  
How am I going to take care of it without Peeta?  
He is the one who will be a good parent, not me.  
I can feel the baby stirring inside me, and it creates a sense of uneasiness.

◇◇◇

I just want to go home.  
Back with my Mother and Prim and Peeta, away from Snow with no war and a place we could be safe.  
But we can never go back to that now. Snow burnt down my home.  
So we have to fight to get a better one.


	19. Snake Eyes

Chapter 2  
Peeta's POV 

I have sat in the dark for what seems like a day now, and nothing has happened.  
The door opens, and I stare into the eyes of president snow. They are yellow-green like the eves of snakes, and even through the stench of artificial roses is so strong, I can still smell blood.  
"Mr. Mellark. Do you know where you are?"  
I don't reply.  
"Mr. Mellark, we can force these answers out of you. I don't want to do that. I want us to be allies, and I hope we can. But if you won't..."  
He stares at me.  
"We will force those answers. So, let me ask you again," he says, moving closer, "Do you know where you are?"  
"The Capitol."  
"That's right. You are in the Capitol. I apologise that these rooms aren't very nice."  
I stare blankly. "Where's Katniss," I say softly.  
"I'm sorry?"  
"Where," I say, my teeth gritted, "Is Katniss?"  
Snow stops for a minute before speaking. "Mr. Mellark, I'm very sorry. District 13 took her. She is dead."  
I slump back against the wall, no hope left.  
"Mr. Mellark, we can help you come over your loss."  
I stay silent.  
I don't want to talk.

◇◇◇

At some point some Capitol attendants come in.  
They bring out a needle and explain what it does, but I don't really listen.  
"Mr. Mellark, is that ok?" They say.  
I don't know why they are asking me, but I nod. "Yeah, it's okay."  
They look taken aback by this, like they expected me to thrash and fight. Maybe I would've done. But there isn't any point now.  
I let them stab the needle into my neck, and slowly lose consciousness.  
I stare out into darkness and eventually give into it.

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV 

"Ms. Everdeen, how are you feeling?"  
I barely register the question, but automatically answer, "fine."  
Three people in white lab coats over grey overalls stand by the door to my hospital room and scribble onto their clipboards whilst a fourth sits on a chair next to me and nods.  
"Ms. Everdeen, please answer honestly."  
"I'm fine."  
The doctor sitting by my bed sighs. He looks to the other three and they leave the room, followed by him, leaving me alone.  
The door begins to open again, and I groan at the prospect of them sending in another doctor.  
"How you doing, sweetheart?" Haymitch says. I go to sit up, but wince slightly and stop.  
"I'm okay I guess," I say, propping myself up against a mountain of pillows. "I haven't been allowed to leave this room, the only visitors I have had are doctors and one visit from Plutarch, and I hated the doctor's company even more than Plutarch's, which is saying something."  
Haymitch laughs, and I do too, but stop in a fit of coughing.  
"I'm fine," I say, noticing the worried look on his face. "Why didn't you rescue Peeta. You promised me you would rescue him."  
Haymitch sighs. "I also promised Peeta I would rescue you, and technically with you we rescued two people. We wanted to get you out first, you were our priority, but when we went to get Peeta, he still had the tracker in him, so the Capitol got there first."  
Silence.  
"Katniss we tried. I wanted to rescue him, and we are trying to get Coin to rescue him from the Capitol, but we don't know how long it will take, and she isn't exactly friendly."  
He looks genuinely sorry, so instead of making a sarcastic remark or shouting at him, I just sit there.


	20. Grey

Chapter 3

Katniss's POV

I count the seconds between beeps I hear from other rooms to pass the time, trying not to think about the kicking baby in my stomach. They have done this before when Peeta was there, but they almost don't stop now. I am 6 months pregnant with him or her and they are getting restless, like they want to break free of my stomach and live.

For some reason, I just want the opposite. I want to crawl back into my mother's stomach and start my life over again, with no mistakes. On that day, I could tell my father to stay home. I could talk to Peeta and make friends with him. I could not go into the hunger games. I could live a better life. A happier life. Less people would die, and I wouldn't have killed any of them.

I want that life. Not this one.

Not here, where my baby will have next to no chance of meeting their father, where my own father is gone, where Peeta is gone, where I am tormented by nightmares every time I try to sleep, where I can never find peace. Now I can only find peace in Peeta's arms, but I will never get that again.

Because every bit of peace I ever had has been taken from me. By the Games, by Snow, by that one canary that stopped singing.

It's all gone now.

◇◇◇

Doctors come and go, never getting proper conversations with me.

Haymitch comes in occasionally, trying to cheer me up or on really bad days just filling the awkward silence or even just staying there being sad with me. And I hate to admit it, but it does help a little.

I am lying on the bed with Haymitch sitting next to me at the moment when the door swings open and I see the face of my mother. She smiles at me and Haymitch takes his cue to leave.

"Hi," I say awkwardly.

"Hey sweetie," she replies. She keeps smiling, so I try to smile back, but it feels so unnatural and wrong so I stop. Then I realise I probably look stupid smiling and then just looking blank but when I go to smile again I finally just break down and cry. Not exactly the best way to make me not look like a complete idiot, but I can't help it and it is the best way to convey my emotions.

"Katniss, it's okay-"

"NO, IT ISN'T," I half shout. "I WISH PEOPLE WOULD STOP SAYING THAT. IT ISN'T OKAY. IT HASN'T BEEN OKAY FOR ALONG TIME AND IT ISN'T EXACLY LOOKING LIKE IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY AGAIN."

She sighs and looks almost pitiful for me, so I instantly regret saying it because I don't want pity. Pity won't help me, it just makes me seem weak. What I need is Peeta back. The boy who gave me hope, with just some loaves of bread and a single dandelion. The boy who became a symbol to me himself that things were changing and it was all going to be okay.

"I need Peeta."

"I know." She looks thoughtful for a minute and then leaves the room.

I rest back down from my sitting position and the door opens again, revealing my mom and someone else behind her, who looks about 14 and has long blonde hair and blue eyes and a sweet smile. It takes me a minute to register Prim and we embrace.

"Hi Katniss."

"Hi little duck." I know she can't see my face, but I smile. "I missed you."

"I missed you too," she says. She pulls away, and sits down.

"So," I say propping myself back up on the pillows again, "Since nobody else can be bothered to tell me recently, what's been going on outside my very luxurious room?"

Prim smiles at this. "Well, they are all talking about the revolution. They want you to lead it."

I shake my head. "No. Not without Peeta."

"Katniss, they would do a lot to get you to lead it. You could ask for them to rescue him, if you wanted. I mean, they rescued you and Finnick. They must have hovercraft, so I bet if you asked them and said there was no chance of you leading this if you didn't know Peeta was coming home, I bet they would rescue him. They would have to."

◇◇◇

After many talks with Haymitch, I finally manage to arrange for Coin to see me.

He walks back in. "She wants to see you, actually. In fact, so much that she arranged you to meet in three hours."

Today? Three hours? "But-"

"Katniss," he says, and the sarcasm has gone from his voice. "I know you will hate me saying this, but for the moment, while you are pregnant and vulnerable, please be careful. And I mean it. This woman is not snow, but she has just as much power here as he has in the Capitol. She could do practically anything at a small hand gesture. And I know I may just seem like a drunk to you, and you hate me for not rescuing Peeta, but I can't let you get hurt. I failed you by not keeping him safe, and I don't want to fail the boy as well. So do what you have to do, but be careful." He pauses, and smiles. "Get him back, Girl on Fire."

I lay in the room for about half an hour and a doctor comes in, telling me I am now discharged, but will be taken back in if I feel any kind of pain. I nod and he brings a nurse in who helps me up and helps me walk. It is painful at first and I am really stiff and my movements are rigid and mechanical, but I walk down a few corridors, walk up a flight of stairs and get changed out of my robes and into a grey jumpsuit. The nurse then lets me walk around a bit more, but only within a small sector of the more communal rooms. He then decides to test me to see if I have got my bearings of the place which I complete and smile at him, even if it does feel a little patronising.

I get given a small portion of real food, and I ask for more but they say no, that I will get sick, which sounds fair as I feel full on a quarter of the amount I would normally eat.

Finally, Haymitch comes and leads me to a dull grey room. In the middle is a grey desk, with a computer in the middle and a chair either side. It feels like an interrogation room.

He is supposed to leave me there, but instead he stays by my side, which I will admit makes me feel a little less nervous.

A woman walks in. She seems frail but powerful, and her cold eyes seem intriguing but they also give the feeling that they could kill if she so much as glanced your way. She holds herself upright and confidently, and her walk is graceful. Her hair is a dull colour but stands out against her pale greyish face. She seems to reflect district thirteen in all its cold damp greyness.

"Miss Everdeen," she says and I grit my teeth. Mellark. I'm a Mellark. "I am glad you wanted to see me."

"Yes, I, um..." I struggle with my words. I didn't exactly get a decent amount of time to prepare, and her stare is throwing me off and getting rid of whatever dignity I have at this point. Breathe. "I heard you wanted me to be... um...". I squeeze my eyes shut and my head hangs to the ground.

"The face of the revolution," Haymitch fills in for me, his normally slurred voice clear and unwavering.

Coin's lips pull tightly together. "Yes. And what was it you wanted to discuss."

"I will be your... um..." I fumble around in my brain for the words, but it is all fuzzy and I can't grab a hold of anything. I hear Haymitch whisper into my ear and repeat what he said. "Mockingjay."

"I'm glad to hear it, but you didn't need a meeting with me to tell me that."

My jaw goes even tighter. "I will do it, with some conditions."

Her eyes narrow suspiciously, and her head tilts back slightly. "And what are these 'Conditions'?"

"Number one," I say, and my voice doesn't waver. I won't let it. I need to do this. "You will take me to see District twelve, or what is left of it." She nods. "Number two, I get my own compartment. I don't think I can live with my mother and sister anymore."

"That sounds reasonable, I'm sure we can complete these small errands-"

"Number three," I cut her off and she looks mildly taken aback, but disguises it just enough that if I hadn't had lifetime of reading human and animal's facial expressions I probably wouldn't notice it. "At the earliest opportunity, you go to the Capitol," my voice becomes more cold. "You get into Snow's cells..."

I have to stop to say the last lines. "And you get them out. The people they took. Peeta." At Peeta's name, i can feel my eyes sting. "You will grant them immunity. And you won't hurt any of them."

"Well," she recites. "I promise you, I will try."

"Yes, you will." My breaths shake. "You will get them out. You have to, or you can find someone else. I already have to deal with a child, and it is likely his or her Father won't be there when they are born, so you WILL rescue him and you WILL grant him immunity. Because if you don't, it isn't just that I will refuse to cooperate, I will be unable to do anything... I need him. You will get him back, and I will be your Mockingjay."


	21. Keep Fighting

Chapter 4

Peeta's POV

My brain hurts. Every day they come in with the needles, and every day I let them inject me and lose consciousness. Every day I wake back up in my cell.  
The door opens and I expect the doctors to come in, but this time a couple of Capitop soldiers shove someone in with me, and they fall to the cold floor. I can hear the air being knocked out of their lungs, and they tense, but they don't cry out. The Capitol people slam the door and the person next to me let's out a small sigh.  
I can't quite make out their features in the dark.  
"Hey Peeta," they say. I recognise the voice, but I can't quite catch who it is.  
I squint in the darkness and see a face, and I can put it together, but he looks nothing like he did before the games. He looks and sounds... broken.  
"Hey Finnick."  
He pushes himself up, his arms shaking where they used to be steady.  
"So," he says, "Do you know who else may be here with us?"  
I shake my head.   
"I think I saw Enobaria, and..." his voice falters. "Annie."  
Annie. Finnick's lover from District 4.   
"I'm sorry Finnick. But isn't it good she's okay?"  
Finnick pauses. "Okay- no. Alive- yes. I'm glad she is alive. But not like this. Not here. This, this... torture chamber," he says, waving his arm up to the walls. "At least Katniss is okay. I knew there was an aircraft planning to fly them to 13, they were supposed to get us too but I didn't have time to get your tracker out." I just about see him give a false smile in the dark. "Katniss is okay, Peeta.... Peeta?"  
"No."  
"What do you mean?" Finnick's eyebrows crease in concern. "13 found her, she's safe-"  
"Yes. They got her."   
"So-"  
"She's dead." Saying it aloud just makes it worse. My head hangs lower. My eyes sting.  
Finnick sits in silence with me for a minute. "Peeta," he begins softly. "I know you may not believe me, but that's wrong. If that's what Snow told you I promise it's a lie. He's trying to stop you fighting. But you need to." He moves in front of me and rests his hands on my shoulders. "You need to fight. We all do. There is a spy in the Capitol, he brought me information. They got Katniss and Johanna and Beetee out, and they are all fine. She's alive Peeta, please believe me. You need to fight. To get back to her. We can do it. Just please, don't give up."

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV

"So, today we are giving you your own compartment. I thought you were supposed to move in with your mother and your sister, but I just got told you are having your own. If you'd just follow me this way." The woman who presented herself to me as Beatrice leads me down a corridor. She looks about my age and seems kind, but has stern grey-blue eyes. Her blonde hair seems to be the only colour in the grey district 13. She wears the standard grey jumpsuit but I can see she has a black shirt underneath and her shoes are black boots. I think I can make out a tattoo on her collarbone. She doesn't look like she is from anywhere in Panem. Maybe there are other places that we don't know about that people live in.  
Maybe they are better than here.  
"Yours is just down the next corridor I think." She fumbles in her pocket and takes out a key. "That was really brave of you, going into those games. I've not been here long, but you hear all the stories."  
"I, um, I don't mean to be rude but... you aren't from here are you? Not just 13, I mean, Panem."  
She slides the key into a lock. The door reads 213. "No, I'm not from here. I came from Chicago. We had completely different systems there. I'm not supposed to talk about it." She moves the key in the lock until it clicks and shoves the door open with quite a force, and I note her bulging muscles, which are the only difference in our builds; we are both short, skinny and lacking in some areas. "But you are doing the right thing. Get your boy back."  
I walk into the compartment and she leaves the keys on a small dresser. It is small, and all it has is two small dressers and twin beds.  
Just as I sit down on the bed, a knock cones at the door and I go to answer it.  
In the door frame stands Johanna Mason.  
"Aparrently I'm moving in with you," she says. I try to smile, but she just scowls more and walks in. She opens a drawer on the dresser closet to the door and dumps a pile of clothes she is holding into it. She kicks it shut with her foot and slumps down onto the bed. "Finnick was one of the only people I'd be able to call a friend," her voice is muffled behind her hands. "And the Capitol took him. First my family, then my lover, now my only friend."  
I sit on the bed opposite her. "I guess we should probably just stay out of each other's way. I need to collect some stuff anyway."  
Closing the door behind me, I walk from the compartment back into the corridor, and a wave of grief crashes down on me. I'm going to live with Johanna. Not Peeta. Peeta's gone. He's gone. And I'm left with a child I will never be able to take care of properly on my own. I need Peeta. I need him. To take care of the baby, to take care of me, for me to take care of him. So I know he is okay. But I won't get that again. Ever.  
No, I tell myself. We are going to get him back. I will only have to live with Johanna for a small while. We will get Peeta back. We will.  
I feel a movement in my stomach and rest my hand over the baby growing inside me. I wonder if that time 6 or seven months ago was a mistake, whether I am too young to be a good mother to this child. But carrying them, I want to be. I want to hold them in my arms.  
I walk through the door in the hospital, and collect my things. The pin is amongst them, the silver parachute, the spile. A single wooden arrow.  
And the pearl. I hold the pearl in my hand. It is smooth and round and reminds me of Peeta. His kindness.  
I see flashes of him, painting, decorating cakes, smiling. That smile he does when nobody is looking.  
I drop my things off and rush to Haymitch's compartment.


	22. No Way Of Coping

Chapter 5

Peeta's POV

Somewhere inbetween waking and sleeping, for the first time, I actually register the screams of pain.  
They are faint but I hear them.  
For a couple of weeks now I have been completely devoid of emotions, not feeling anything. No matter how much I wanted to, I just couldn't; and now I just feel almost too much.  
The people comme to take Finnick and he struggles but they inject something into him that makes his muscles paralysed. They drag him away. He looks so weak. Where did his strength go?  
They shut the door behind him and after a few minutes I can hear some soft voices and then screaming. What do they do to him there?  
Some Capitol attendants come in and I at first let them take my arms but then I begin to fight back. I may be weaker, but I am still strong.  
I jolt away and knock them down. The door is open, and I manage to get through it. I sprint down the hallway. I forget about my leg.   
The only thing that stops me is a door. I run straight into it.   
My shoulder aches from slamming it into the door already. I can get out.  
I can.  
I have to.  
I have to for her.  
For-  
I yell as something sharp stabs me from behind.  
The last thing I think of before I am dragged under is Katniss. I have to get back to her. Her and the baby.

◇◇◇

I wake back in the cell with Finnick. There is a new cut on his arm.  
"Heard you nearly escaped."  
I try to sit up against the wall. "Yeah."  
"I'm sorry." His head hangs and he begins to shake it. "I'm so sorry. I should've just said nothing. They'll hurt you even more now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry..."  
"No I'm glad you said something."  
"But you shouldn't be."  
Just then a group of Capitol attendants comes in and grabs me. They stab me with another needle before I can fight back, and I slowly drift into oblivion.

◇◇◇

"Mr. Mellark."  
I open my eyes.  
I am strapped down to a metal table, a needle is inserted into my arm and connect to a small tube.  
"Tell us what you know."

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV 

"HAYMITCH," I shout, pounding my fists on the door. "Haymitch, let me in."  
The door opens and my hands drop to my sides. Haymitch stands behind the door and moves aside to let me in.   
I step through the door, my arms cradling each other.  
"Come sit down," he says quietly. I walk beside him and sit down on an old stool facing his bed. "What is it?"  
I shake my head. "I don't know. I'm moving in to a compartment with Johanna of all people, I'm pregnant, Peeta's not here, and I'm supposed to lead a revolution? I can't even lead my own life."  
He gives me a look of sympathy. "I'm sorry. Genuinely. This should never have happened to the both of you. I tried to get you both out, but Plutarch was convinced we should get Johanna because she was strong and unafraid, and we needed Beetee to cut through Capitol broadcasts. I tried to get the boy out." Haymitch looks tired. There is age in his eyes again.  
"I need him. I don't know if I can live properly without him."  
"I know," he replies, reaching under his bed and coming out with a bottle of alcohol. He takes a swig and replaces the cap. I don't know how he got it since alcohol is basically banned here, but I want some to drown the thoughts away.  
He must see the look in my eyes because he puts it back under his bed and says, "you can't, not with the baby."  
I sigh.  
"Okay, I promise tomorrow, I will talk to coin. To Be Honest I'm surprised you lasted this long."


	23. Hovercraft

Chapter 6

Katniss's POV 

I hear a knock on the door of the compartment, and Johnna goes to answer it. We have a sort of silent understanding to stay out of each other's way, but we still respect each other.  
She opens the door to Haymitch.  
"Katniss," he says, breathless, "They're going to get them."

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV 

"Every incorrect or inconclusive answer, Mr. Mellark, there will be consequences. Let's start with something easy, shall we?" The hissing voice of President snow fills my bones with dread and hate.

"First question, so we can test your obedience, do you love Ms. Everdeen?"  
I clench my teeth.

"Every time you refuse to answer, we use the venom. I do hope you understand. So, do you love Ms. Everdeen?"  
"Yes."

"Well then," he says, "that isn't too hard. Just keep doing that, and you will be fine. Next question, Ms. Everdeen, before her untimely death, was pregnant with your child."

"Yes." I can feel my heart tighten, and I find it hard to breathe.

"And now, she would be how many months?"  
"Six," I say. "Almost seven." I tense even more. "Why are you even asking me this?"  
"That's none of your concern, Mr. Mellark. Now, was everything you said at the interviews true?"  
"Yes."

"Thank you for your honesty so far. Mr. Mellark, tell me, what did you know of the rebel plans concerning the Quarter Quell?"  
"Nothing."

Snow gives a sarcastic smile. "Oh dear. I thought I could rely on you to be truthful."  
I am confused at first, because nobody told me or Katniss anything, and then a blinding pain rushes through my arm, and takes over my head.

◇◇◇

What seems like hours later, I am returned to my shared cell.  
There is a wound on my arm, which is stained with blood and some orange liquid. It stings my arm.

My head is throbbing and I find it hard to form cohesive thoughts.

As soon as they drop me into the cell, I can see Finnick's mouth moving, and I hear sounds, but they don't form sentences.

I wait a minute and he repeats what he said.

"What did they do to you in there?"  
I cast my mind back, but it is a little fuzzy.  
"Um.... I think... I... they asked.... questions.... I had to answer.... and if.... if they didn't like the answer.... they pumped this stuff into me," I stutter, holding up my aching arm. It shakes violently. "They... also... hit me. Alot."

Finnick's face turns into a look of sadness, pity, empathy.  
I can't think what to do so I try to sleep, but Finnick continues to shake me awake. He says something like 'don't do that,' 'it'll start working,' 'keep your mind blank'. I don't process any of this. I'm too tired. I just want to sleep.

◇◇◇

The meadow is calm. The colours are like a painting. Like my paintings.  
Katniss sits in the meadow, holding our little girl, Willow. I walk over to them. My leg is still there, no prosthetic. Of course there's no prosthetic. There never has been.  
I sit with them, and wrap my arms around Katniss.  
Then the sky goes from blue to orange, and it's not a hug, it's a chokehold. I am killing her.

I will myself to stop, but I can't.

The lights leave her eyes.

◇◇◇

I wake from my dream by someone barging into the cell.

All the lights are off in the hallway outside.

At first I think the people may be Capitol 'Doctors', but instead of being dressed in white, they are dressed in grey. The colour is a mix between snow and coal. They wear gas masks and on their arms, a mockingjay is printed.

They grasp me and Finnick, leading us out. One of them gives us gas masks to wear, and I put mine on. Two of the strangers are dragging Enobaria. They hold someone else, but I can't tell in the darkness. I see another figure, a woman with red hair. Annie. She runs to Finnick as the people try to force a gas mask upon her, but instead Finnick takes another from them and holds it out to Annie. She takes it, puts it on and the people in grey gear lead us onto a hovercraft outside a window. I realise that I don't actually know whether they are here to save us or here to hurt us, but either way I'm glad to be out of that cell.

The people show us how to belt ourselves into the seats of the hovercraft, and it begins to fly away. Away from the Capitol. Away from Snow. Away from the bad memories. Away.

I look out the small window and see that all the lights are off in the Capitol.

A man comes over and holds out his grey gloved hand for our gas masks, and I take it off and hand it to him. One of the people starts saying that we are going to District 13, and that it will be a long journey, and that someone had specially requested our rescue.

I don't care.

I will find Katniss again.

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV

I stand in shock.

"What?"

"There are people, 13's people," His breaths are short and small, "they're in the Capitol probably about now. Don't shout at me, they only just told me. They're going to get the victors."

"Peeta?" his name escapes my mouth, and brings tears to my eyes.

"Yeah," Haymitch says smiling.

"Who else," Johanna asks.

"Finnick, Annie, Enobaria maybe. They should be coming back in in 4 hours I think."

For the first time I see Johanna smile.

◇◇◇

The first thing I did was run to my Mother and Prim's apartment, but only Prim was there. I had told her the news and she was so happy. She told me mom had had to rush to the medical department because they were supposed to have a possible emergency come in and needed full on help. We went down there and found her, and she told us it was for Peeta and the others.

Now I'm pacing around the waiting room, with Haymitch and Johanna sitting down. Multiple times they have tried to convince me to sit, but I can't. There us too much nervous energy inside me.

It has been almost four and a half hours, and we have heard nothing yet.

"So," Johanna says, clearly trying to break the icy silence. "Why haven't we seen Beetee yet?"

"Well," Haymitch replies, "He had the least bad injuries, so as soon as he recovered he was taken to the labs to find a way to hack into the Capitol systems and build weapons."

"Huh."

The conversation drops dead for another ten minutes, and Johanna bursts.

"LOOK, I know you have to deal with mood swings and everything, and you are waiting for your sweetheart to finally come back, but QUIT THE PACING, PLEASE."

I stop and slide to the floor.

Maybe the mission failed. Maybe now people from 13 have given up their lives all in vain-

The door opens, and the man named Boggs steps in. "It's back."


	24. Paradox Of Dreams Or Darkness

WARNING: Dark, sad, mildly disturbing themes

Chapter 7

Katniss's POV 

I rush down the hallway, not caring about anything except Peeta.  
Boggs said he was awake and fine, and told me which room.

I find the room, go to open the door, but a doctor stops me. "You can't go in there."

"I'm his wife."

"Not legally. Please wait here."

"Why can't I go in?" I am confused.

He sighs. "He took a bad turn. We are treating him for it."

Something catches in the back of my throat. "Wh... what?"

"Mr. Mellark was doing fine, but then he began struggling to breathe, his blood pressure spiked and he got a migraine."

"Why can't I go in?"

The doctor stares blankly at me, then says "fine, go in."

◇◇◇

Like a million spiders into one, tubes run in and out of him.

He is laying motionless on a metal table. He has black circles around his eyes, his hair is matted and greasy and dry. He still wears the blue jumpsuit from the quell, stained with blood. They are cleaning his arm, which has blood dried onto it and some orange substance. He is Peeta, but I don't recognise him. His hope is gone, and I need to see his eyes. Those blue eyes. So soft, so calming, so beautiful.

"Peeta." I rush to him and wrap my arms around him. "What did they do to you?" A sob escapes me, rattling through my bones. A mix of happiness for him to be back with me, and a sadness for him to have gone through this.

"We gave him a sedative because he was in a lot of pain, it'll wear off in about an hour or so. We just need to monitor some things and stitch up a couple of wounds, so he should be out within the month."

"Okay," I say. My arms wrap tighter around him.

I sit there next to him. Past when the doctors leave. Past when Haymitch visits and leaves. I want to be there when he wakes. I rest my hand on my belly. The baby kicks softly. "You're gonna get to meet your dad. I promise."

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV

The sun is warm on my skin, and turns strands of her hair a dark gold. She sits in the tree, and suddenly she is sixteen again. I watch from the ground, hidden in a small cave. A bow and arrows are slung across her back, as well as a small orange backpack. We are back in the games.

Her head turns to me. "There you are... finally. I can win."

She shoots an arrow that pierces my heart.

◇◇◇

I lie in darkness again, until another dream drags me into its depths...

◇◇◇

The sky is beautiful; teal and coral and yellow. Katniss sits beneath it. She smiles the way she does when she is about to kiss me, then leans into Gale. Their lips collide, and suddenly I hate her. Orange floods my vision, a sickly colour, all vivid and neon, and I slowly slip back into darkness.

◇◇◇

She holds the baby in her arms, it is calm and still. She must have sang it to sleep. I sit down next to her and notice the knife. "I never wanted this child." Her face twists into anger and she drives the knife toward me. "You ruined my life."

◇◇◇

She hold the baby again. She smiles. "It's Gale's."

She turns to me. "Why would I want to be with you?" My arms go toward her throat and she smiles as she dies.

◇◇◇

I finally wake. I can't move very much, as there are tubes connected to my arms. I look around the room.

It is grey, and one of the walls is made of tinted glass. There is a small pressure on my hand- another hand. It is made of olive skin, and I look up to a sleeping Katniss. I squeeze her hand a little and she stirs. She looks a little confused, but after a second her arms go around me. Not in a choke, like so many of the nightmares portray, but a hug. A deep, loving embrace.

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV

I am woken by a squeeze on my hand. I look down and see Peeta's blue eyes looking back at me.

I embrace him, and am immediately calmed by his strong arms. I will never let him go again. "You're back." I say, tears in my eyes.

"Yeah." His voice is rough. "I missed you."

"I missed you too. I love you."

I can feel his smile against my neck. "I love you."


	25. Weeks Go By

Chapter 8

Katniss's POV 

Every day for the last 2 weeks, I go to visit Peeta. I try to stay as long as I can, but eventually someone will come and tell me I need to leave.  
I have visited Finnick and Annie a couple of times too.   
There are barely any doctors around because they are all with one patient who is a 'special admission'. Apparently they rescued them from the Capitol.  
I lie on the bed in my compartment, staring at the ceiling. I was kicked out of Peeta's hospital room earlier after being in it for four hours.  
I hear a knock on the door, and get up slowly to answer it.  
I fling it open to see Peeta. He has crutches, and alot of stitches. "Hey," he says.  
I smile. "Come in."  
He limps into the room and I show him to sit on my bed. He rests his crutches against the grey wall and I instantly lean in to hug him.   
"How are you?" He asks me.  
"Why are you asking me? You're the one who Snow held in the Capitol."  
His eyes smile along with his mouth. "You're the pregnant one." My mouth twists up and I guide his hand down onto my protruding stomach. He laughs a little as the baby kicks. I lean against him and he wraps his free arm around me.  
Suddenly, I can see it. A life with Peeta. I can see myself waking up with him next to me, with our child. In the meadows somewhere. I would teach them to hunt, and he would teach them how to fight. We would be a family. Maybe I'm only seventeen, eighteen in six months or so, but I can see my life with Peeta. With a family. And I want it. 

◇◇◇

"No," Coin says. "That is pointless and too much work for nothing."  
I stand in a grey room with Peeta holding my hand. His face is confused and slightly angry. His voice is mildly assertive, "what do you mean no? Why not? There would be two compartments anyway?"  
She sighs. "Look, Mr. Mellark," he flinches a little when she days his name, "we would have to give you the appropriate items, of which we would have to resupply which is expensive. And you two aren't legally married, so you wouldn't be allowed to. No matter what you did before, that's our rules here."  
I can visibly see Peeta's jaw tighten, but he clearly realises it isn't a good idea to go any further with Coin, so instead we just walk out.  
We walk back along the stretching grey corridors to Peeta's compartment. He is supposed to share it with Finnick when he is released tomorrow. Annie had her own so she swapped with Johanna to live with me. I can't blame Johanna really. We don't exactly get along, and she isn't the making friends type.   
"See you later I guess," Peeta says. He has a look in his eyes, expecting me to be disappointed or upset with him.   
"It's okay. It's not like we will be in 13 long, and when I have the baby, they will have to give me a bigger place and I won't stop until they let their father stay with us." I smile, and he smiles back, before pulling me into a quick embrace and glancing back one more time before he closes the door.  
When I get to my compartment it is empty. It feels wrong still being in here. Lonely. 

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV 

I close the door and she is still staring at me. With that smile. White teeth gleaming in a soft brownish face. Her eyes are grey like the ash from the fire. They are silver like the bow she held in the first games. Warm like a raging fire and cold like a lake of ice.  
As soon as the door clicks into place, I want to run back out to her and be there with her. I've been away from her for so long. I don't want to be any longer.   
I sit on the bed.  
I have another week until I have to start on the normal timetable. It is printed on people's arms every day.  
I wait for a long time and finally go down for lunch.

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV 

The meat is tough and hard to chew.  
I eventually decide to leave it, I wasn't too hungry anyway. I am just about to walk to the bin when Haymitch comes to sit down and stops me.   
"Eat up, sweetheart. You need to feed the baby too now."  
Peeta follows a couple of minutes after.  
We sit together in silence.

◇◇◇

My last week of freedom is dull. Every day I wake, visit Peeta, eat, and sit staring at the ceiling.  
At least I'm not on a hard regime.  
The next week is about to get a whole lot worse.


	26. The Sign Of Four

Chapter 9

Katniss's POV 

I stare at the purple ink on my arm. It basically says I have to eat and go to the doctor at some point.

No training.

No hard work.

Just nothing.

I sigh, because I was actually hoping for something to do, even if it was military training. But I can't do anything because right now I'm a little busy trying to create another person.

I wonder around and talk to Finnick and Annie a little, who are talking of getting married. I try to show interest but eventually they leave because they think I'm preoccupied.

I'm not.  
I'm just bored.  
I flit about from place to place like a confused bird, never really settling anywhere.  
At 11:25 am I set toward the hospital for the doctor's appointment I have.

I get to the writing room around two minutes later and stay there whilst people walk past me. The people all seem to be staring at me. Their gazes stab holes into my skin. The hairs all stand up on my arms and neck. I pull my arms closer to me, over my large protruding bump.  
A woman with soft brown skin and dark eyes and a couple centimetres of short dark hair leads me into a room.

In the room is a metal table, and a machine with a little screen on it. A tube of gel. Something that looks like some kind of scanner.

On a small grey chair next to the table is Peeta. His head lifts when I come in, so I can see his blue eyes. The bright colour of the sky that once was there is back, no longer driven away by Capitol experiments.

"So," the Doctor says, another woman with lighter skin and blue hair, "you are probably wondering why you are here. We think that this should have happened earlier, but we couldn't under your circumstances, but, anyway..." she pauses, looking confused, like she can't quite reach the thought that has got away from the grasp of her mind. "Yes, um, today we plan to do an ultrasound on you."

"If you would just lie down on this table for us," says the woman with dark hair. Her eyes are firm but kind. "Thank you, Ms. Mellark."

Mellark. Not Everdeen. She actually said Mellark.

I smile at her, and she smiles back. It is a small act of rebellion against Coin, and a kindness to us. I respect her for that. But I can't have her hurt.   
I look at her badge and make a mental note of her name. If I need to I will try and save her. Hazel Logan.

She rubs some of the clear gel on my abdomen, and then puts the scanner onto it. It feels cold.  
I feel fingers wrap around mine, and Peeta gives my hand a small squeeze. I smile at him.  
The Doctor with the blue hair turns a few switches on the side of the screen, and we see an image. 

It is black with some lighter more grey or white patches on it.  
"Those two blobs on screen," she says, pointing to the two blobs, "are the babies."  
Two.  
Two babies.

I can't quite decide whether I am distraught that I am bringing two lives into this world or overjoyed, but when I see Peeta's face I know it is the latter.  
A smile breaks across my own face, replicating Peeta's and he presses his forehead to mine.  
The Nurse with the dark hair turns to me again. "Would you like either of their genders?"  
I don't mind, so I look to Peeta. "Yeah," he says, smiling.  
The Doctor leaves the room for a minute, and then comes back. "It looks like a boy and a girl."  
I smile against Peeta, which is holding me in an embrace.  
"We're going to have children."  
"Yeah."

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV 

"So," Katniss says, as we sit in my room. "Do you want to choose a name for the girl, and I choose a name for the boy?"  
"Okay," I reply. I think for a minute, then come up with, "I like Willow."  
She nestles in closer to me, and I adjust my arm so it is still over her shoulders. "Willow." She repeats. "Yeah. I like that."  
"What about a boy's name?"   
Her eyes narrow in concentration as she thinks. She does this expression a lot; it's really sweet, but she'd probably hate it if I said that. I don't want her to give me that death glare again.  
"What about Haymitch?" She says, looking to me with an enormous grin on her her face that splits open into a laugh. I laugh with her and for the first time in ages I feel truly happy again. "I don't know. I'll think about it. I guess you probably had names picked out, you're the perfect father. And I never even wanted to have kids." The smile goes from her face.  
"Hey, it's okay. We can get through this. I'm not going to leave you."  
"Thank you. But still, how am I going to be a mother? Me, of all people? And I'm not exactly a good example for Prim either, the only reason this happened is because it was you... That wouldn't have happened with anyone else." She sees my face, and immediately goes back to what she said, "that's not a bad thing. You did nothing wrong. We did nothing wrong. I just... I can't believe this happened. Why now? And how are we going to cope here? I'm not even allowed to be in the same room with you for more than two hours without some kind of supervision."  
"I know."  
The next thing she says, she says softly. Quietly. "Peeta..."  
"Yeah?"  
"I've been thinking for a while and... will.... will you marry me? Properly? I would never have minded the wedding just being what it was. That was perfect... but if we want to be properly considered married here, we have to have the proper wedding. And I want to live with you. I want to spend every day with you, because you are the only thing that keeps me going any more. I just want to be with you. I want to be called Mrs. Mellark, if that's what it takes to show people that I love you."

◇◇◇

Haymitch's POV

I sit in some random compatment.

I think about my life. I guess you could sort it into individual books. This would probably be chapter eight of a sequel to his time with those two misfits. Running around, having babies and causing havoc. It would be books about him, but it would probably not tell it from his point of view.

I take another swig of the spirit.

I'd probably only get my view into each chapter eight, I think, trying to stay in first person point of view so I don't confuse any possible future readers. Or maybe past readers, if they could predict some kind of apocalypse.

There had been books, supposedly, about something like what was happening to him now. Written by Michelle Collins. 

No, I think, that's that actress from that ancient tv show, west enders? Something like that. A soap opera, I think they call them.

Michelle Gomez? No, that was that Missy woman, from that sci-fi soap. It was supposed to have been good. Doctor What, or something. Well, apparently it was good up until series seven of the first reboot. There was loads of reboots of that old thing.

Suzie Collins? That was it. Roughly. Suzanne?

My mind doesn't comprehend stuff now. It really is a mess up here, in my head. Switching tenses and Perspectives like a wannabe TheyTuber, or whatever.

I hear a knock at the door, and mumble for whoever to come in.

"Haymitch," Says the short one with the black hair and big stomach, "We're getting married."

And then I throw up on the dwarf's shoes. Probably not a dwarf. An ape maybe?

And the other one. DEFINITELY an elf, I think, Blond hair, blue eyes. Tall, muscly, got to be an elf, I think, right before I pass out.


	27. Do All Pains Fade

Chapter 10

Peeta's POV 

I come back to Haymitch's compartment with a clean pair of shoes for Katniss.  
She is sitting now on a chair next to Haymitch lying on a bed, shaking him. "He isn't waking up," she says, "what was he saying about elves?"   
I laugh, "I don't know. That stuff must be pretty strong that he was drinking."

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV 

We call a meeting with President Coin, and it is set for 3 days from now.  
"So," Peeta says, "I guess this is our third proposal."  
"Yeah," I reply smiling.   
"And I'm extremely sorry," he says, "thay even on the third one, I still haven't got you a ring."  
"You think I care that there's no ring? That doesn't matter. What matters is that we're actually going to be married. And other people will respect that."  
"Hey, um," he stutters as he tries to speak, "you know... I don't mind if you keep your name... it's nicer anyway."  
"I don't mind either. I like my name. But I also like yours. My name keeps me connected to my sister, my mother, my father, and nothing could stop me from being connected to you. I want this life with you. So much. But if the only way people will see us as together is if I take your name, then I will."

◇◇◇

My hand is in Peeta's as we walk away from Coin's office. Peeta looks down at me with a sad smile.   
We walk toward Haymitch's compartment, in hope if some sympathy.  
He lets us in and we all sit down.  
"So what did the lovely Coin say about your proposal?" He smirks a little. "Bet she wasn't expecting this. She thinks you are just little kids with no sense of love, commitment... So, enlighten me."  
I stare up at Peeta, begging him to speak. "Well... she said... No."  
His eyebrows crease and his jaw hangs open. "She said what? How can she say no?"  
"She said we were too young."  
"But- But-" Haymitch struggles for words. "She hasn't thought it through but... she can't do that!"  
This is the first time I have seen Haymitch get protective in this way; it will probably be the last, so I join in. "She shouldn't be able to, but clearly she can."  
"Yeah," Peeta agrees, "It's just wrong, it's-"  
He is cut off as I hunch over, a pain shooting through my abdomen.  
"Katniss?" Peeta stands up quickly.  
"I'm fine," I say, but double over when another pain strikes in the same place.  
"No, sweetheart, you aren't," Haymitch retorts, going to a small phone in the corner. He picks it up and presses a couple numbers. "Peeta, pick her up if you can, take her to the hospital."  
His hands lift me from underneath and I start to protest as I am carried into the hallway, but cut myself off by agonising pains running in my uterus.   
That's when I realise it is something to do with the babies.  
Haymitch runs out of his compartment and goes in front of Peeta to get us along the corridors.  
I get pains aroumd 3 more times before we get to the hospital rooms.  
Haymitch calls for a doctor and at least 4 people in medical uniform come running.  
He explains something to them and they lead Peeta to take me down another small corridor.  
They lie me down on a bed in a secluded room.  
Doctors come in and out, and they keep Haymitch and Peeta out of the room, but I can hear them talking outside, and I hear the words 'contractions' and 'labour'.  
I'm giving birth. Here. Now.

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV 

"What?" I say.  
It just doesn't seem to be real.  
"She is going into labour."  
Me and Haymitch are led to a small bench about ten feet away from the door to the room Katniss is giving birth to our children in. I want to be in there with her, but the doctors say they are worried about something or other and think it would be best to keep me out the way.  
We sit for around half an hour, and every few minutes I can hear sounds of distress coming from the room.  
All my instincts tell me to ignore the Doctor's advice, to run to the room and help. But even if I did, how would I help?  
The yells become more frequent, and I don't even realise I am standing up pacing.  
I don't remember standing.  
I want to rush into the room.  
And I do, my hands outstretched towards her neck.


	28. Life And Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 12th December (in the story)

Chapter 11

Katniss's POV 

I can feel pains rushing through me.  
A hand grips mine. Soft and strong.  
I manage to crack my eyes open and see Peeta, tall and kind standing over me. His eyes look a little weird at first, like there is a small glinting orange behind his pupils. But it is gone after a second, so I put it down to the lightheadedness.  
I shut my eyes, and hear the door opening.  
"Peeta, you need to go," says Haymitch's voice.  
Peeta begins to protest, but Haymitch cuts him off with "Now."  
After a second, his fingers begin to slip away from mine, but I catch his hand and my eyes fly open again. "Don't go. Please."  
His head turn to a nurse, who nods to confirm it's okay. He sits down on a small stool next to the bed as I try to breathe through the pain.  
A nurse is at the end of the bed, and keeps telling me to try and be calm.

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV 

My hand feels like most of the bones in it are broken, but I don't let her hand go.  
She tells and nurses talk to her.  
Something happens and I hear a Doctor or a nurse say "baby number one."  
And my heart almost stops.

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV 

One last push, and the doctor says "baby number two."

◇◇◇

Peeta's arms wrap around me and I hug him back.   
"We're okay." He says into my ear. "We're all going to be okay."  
"I finally thought of a name."  
"What is it?"  
I smile as I go to say it, " I like S-"  
"Miss. Everdeen, Mr. Mellark," a doctor says, who just walked in, "I'm afraid that the male baby... He didn't make it."  
I don't understand. "What do you mean?"  
"He stopped breathing, his heart failed. I'm so sorry."  
It hits me like a rock. "What? Where are they?" The edge of my eye stings a little.  
"The girl is fine."  
Peeta's hand holds my arm. He lowers himself from standing next to me to sitting on the bed in front of me. Tears run down his face already. "Katniss," he chokes on his words. "He's gone." His breaths shake. "We will be okay though. We will pull through. I promise. We still have her."  
"Willow," I say. "Can I see her?"  
The doctor is calm. "We just need to-"  
"Let me see her."  
"We need a minute to weigh her and make sure she is okay."  
"Okay...." I think of the dead boy who will never get his name. "okay...."

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV 

I hold her as she cries. As we cry.  
How did this happen? Why?  
What did we do for this? All this? The games. Twice. Barely escaping death. Nearly losing everything. Being separated. And now this.   
I can't begin to imagine what she is going through.  
Three hours at least of mass amounts of pain.  
And then losing one of the children she never even got to meet. I can't tell her about whatever happened to me. But I think I know what it was. I decide to talk to Haymitch about it.  
A nurse comes back in, with Willow wrapped in a white blanket in her arms. She hands her to Katniss, and instantly it looks right. Katniss holds Willow close to her chest, rocking her very slightly.  
"Ms. Everdeen, we will need to keep you here for a few days, to monitor you and the baby."  
"Okay," She replies.  
The nurse walks back out, happy that Katniss can handle the baby. Willow.  
Willow is so small in Katniss's arms.  
"She's ours Peeta."  
"Yeah."  
Katniss turns around a little and prises Willlow away from her chest just a little, gesturing for me to hold her. I carefully put my hands under her, and draw her in toward me. I rock her gently, like Katniss did. She is so fragile, so silent. Her eyes are closed, so I can see just two lines of blond lashes.  
"Hello," I say. "Hey Willow. How are you so sweet?"  
I hear a small laugh and look over to Katniss. We both smile. "I'm gonna give you back to your Mom now..."  
Katniss reaches out and takes her from me. She whispers to her, some secret words I'll never know.  
For now I can damn the flood of orange that is trying to wash over my brain.  
Nothing is going to take this moment away from me. No Capitol serum. It isn't. I'm not going to let it.


	29. First Meetings

Chapter 12

Katniss's POV 

I hold her in my arms as much as I can, but I am often disturbed by needing to eat, or needing one of us to have tests on how vulnerable we are to certain things and how high my blood pressure is.

My Mother and Prim are the first to visit, smiling and talking to Willow, but when Prim is cradling her my Mother looks at me with a sympathetic look in her eyes. She must have heard of Willow's dead brother.

Finnick visits to see how I am. Even Johanna visits me.

Peeta comes by. I hand him Willow and he whispers to her, quietly and softly. I can't help smiling. He looks right as a father. He just is.

Eventually he has to leave because he has a meeting with someone, and I say goodbye.

About 5 minutes after he leaves, I hear the door opening again, and in walks a tall man. He has olive skin, black hair and a darkish beard. I almost don't recognise him.

"Hey Catnip."

It occurs to me that I haven't seen Gale since before the Reaping, and I wonder why he has come now.

"Hi Gale."

We sit in an awkward silence, until I finally say, "Why did you come to see me? Why now?"

He sighs, "I didn't want to get in your way, because it would be awkward now I realised you do love Peeta. I thought it was just an act, but then... and I heard you had given birth so I thought I should probably stop by-"

"What?"

"What do you mean what?"

"You are friends with me since I was 12, then you develop feelings for me despite being my friend, and then you realise I might actually love someone else and decide that's a good time to tell me you have a crush on me? Then I'm finally happy and then my life gets destroyed again and right when I need my best friend you decide that you shouldn't see me because it would hurt your masculinity? Thanks but I think you should go."

His glare has become hard and stern, but he leaves calmly. I can see his hands formed fists.

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV 

Haymitch opens the door and I walk in. I feel bad for lying to Katniss, but I had to. I can't break her.

"So," Haymitch says, "you told me this was urgent."

"It is. You know I told you what they... He... did to me in the Capitol? Snow?"

"Yep."

"Well... yesterday, when I wanted to go into there, at first it was because I wanted to be there.... but then something... snapped... inside my mind." I try to breathe, and Haymitch's eyebrows crease. "My vision blurred a little... and had an almost orange tint to it. I... my hands..." I look to the floor. "They went for her neck. I managed to stop it, but...." a single tear runs down my cheek. "What... what happened to me? I nearly strangled her. How could I do that? I'm not safe around her, I-" I shake my head. "It happened again this morning too. A flash of orange. My memories... of Katniss... they... I can't... I don't know what it is about them but they seem... distorted. I remember things I know didn't happen... but they are my memories so... how am I going to know they aren't real? Like... on the train to the Capitol. She threw the knife..."

"And it hit the wall. You stood up for yourselves; that's how I knew you could actually survive."

"Yeah... but... I remember... it nearly hit me. Like it was aimed at me." I am finding it hard to talk, but Haymitch nods his head understandingly. "She... she wouldn't do that. I know she wouldn't; you know she wouldn't. But I just can't help... a tiny bit of doubt... it gets into my head."

My breaths are shaky.

"What am I going to do? I... I love her. And Willow. I... please... tell me what I can do because... I can't hurt them. Ever. If I did I..." I choke, unable to get the words out. "I wouldn't want to live any more. They are all I have left. There's you... but... all my family are dead. Even they didn't exactly care about me. Not like she does. And she can't know. But how else do I save her? This morning when it happened, I... I just wanted to hurt her. That isn't me. I completely trashed the compartment, stuff everywhere, I think I broke something. I was gripping onto the side cabinet so hard my fingers went white. Finnick came back and managed to calm me down, he tidied everything up. He is the only person who has seen it happen. He told me I should go and see her, but I wouldn't go, I was too afraid I'd... I'd hurt them. And it's going to happen again. What am I supposed to do?"

The silence in the compartment is eerie. "Look, I shouldn't stay, I..." I try to leave, but Haymitch grabs my arm and stops me.

"No. I'm gonna help you." He sighs. "Of course, I'm not entirely sure how, but I will. After my games, Snow killed everyone I cared for. Now, he has realised that that just gives them more reason to fight, when they have nothing to lose. Even your own life at that point would seem worthless. But then," he says, "I met you two. Little annoying people who had lived miserable lives, wasted on untold feelings. But you had hope. You were fighters. Neither really wanted to kill, but you would. And you rebelled. And you were kind. God, sometimes that wildcat shows it weirdly, but she does. We both know she is, and she feels like she can't say anything because she doesn't want to face losing someone she cares about. And she doesn't want to realise she cares. I'll not bore you anymore, but you two are the first people in years that I would actually care about. I don't want to see you hurt."

He stops, taking in what he has said, along with a small swig of spirit.

"Back to my point on Snow," He says, clearly not wanting to get overly sentimental, "he has realised that just getting rid of something just ruins all hopes. You have nothing left to hope for. But... if you give them just a little hope... that's how you control people. That's what he's doing with you. You were never a threat to the Capitol... But she is. So what does he do? He hurts you to show her he can. She doesn't want you hurt, she'll do practically anything to make sure you aren't. So if he can hurt you enough, but not to the extent where there is no hope... then he can make her do anything. Say... stop the rebellions? Talk people against revolting? And then hence the Capitol's system remain undamaged. I'm sorry you had to hear this... but it is unfair to keep it from you."

I want to protect Katniss. And this is just another sneaky way of making her vulnerable.

If I'm the last person who would protect her... how can I do that when the danger is myself?

"Come on," says Haymitch. "We should go visit her. I would love to see... Willow, was it?"

I follow him to the hospital.

◇◇◇

We open the door to Katniss holding a sleeping Willow. She smiles when we come in.

How can I do this when I could hurt her any moment?

"Say hi to Haymitch, Willow."

He looks down at her. "A little alien looking, are you?"

Katniss laughs, and looks over to me. Her smile begins to fade as she sees my face, so I smile back, trying not to worry her. She looks back and my smile vanishes. I can't do this.


	30. Nightmares

WARNING: May be disturbing. 

◇◇◇

Chapter 13

Peeta's POV

The room is dark. I can't see around me, I can't even see my hands when I put them up to my face. Suddenly, a hand grips my throat and I can't breathe. I stumble into the wall and the lights slowly flicker on, revealing President Snow. His mouth is twisted and blood runs out of it like a river, slowly and steadily. It begins to flood the room, and the last thing I hear before I am pulled under is his mad laughter. The blood rushes past my ears and the hands go from around my throat so I can swim to the surface. When I finally come up, I can breathe. But it isn't blood anymore, it's the salt lake from the Quell. Katniss is at the Cornucopia, waving to me. She is holding Willow. I cut through the water and get to her in a couple strokes. We sit on the small beach, until Katniss is dragged off me. I scream to get to her, but it is Gale who has her. He slits her throat and she falls limp to the sand. I struggle, trying to run toward him, only to find I'm frozen in place. He picks up Willow and throws her into the waves. He looks to me and simply says, "She was trying to kill you. She hates you. You are better off without her." He comes and shoves me down, and the sand swallows me up.

◇◇◇

I sit up, struggling for breath.

Finnick looks over to me, concerned. I realise he also doesn't have very good sleep. I suppose that's what the games do to you.

I shrug it off, and go to get a drink of water. It is cool and calming.

A wave washes over me and I grip the sink. My arm burns and I clench my teeth trying not to yell out. Images of her stabbing my arm creep across my mind, and then flash violently behind my eyes.

I manage to take one hand off the sink and then they both fly to my head, pulling at my hair, hoping this will be over. It isn't. It isn't.

Finnick rushes over, realising that it is happening again. His arms go out infront of him, protecting him but also trying to calm me. My adrenaline is running on full and I try to thrash out. I have to to Katniss.

To protect her from me. To KILL her.

To protect them both from me. KILL them.

She doesn't care about you. That is her spawn. 

NO. 

She tried to KILL you.

NO SHE DIDN'T.

She did. In the first Games? Remember that?

No...

What about the Quell? She heard that forcefield or whatever. She didn't say anything.

SHE DID. SHE CALLED OUT FOR ME. IT WAS TOO LATE.

That's a lie YOU created.

◇◇◇

"Peeta, are you okay?" Finnick's voice brings me back.

I can't speak, so I just try to control my breathing.

◇◇◇

I hear a knock at the door, and Finnick goes to open it. He talks briefly with whoever is on the other side and leaves.

Haymitch walks in.

"I've been talking to people in the hospital. Plutarch too. They managed to get some stuff from the Capitol to test what it was. They got something and photographed the room. I'm sorry if this is triggering but I need to know- is this the room?" Haymitch says.

He reaches into his pocket and takes out a photo.

It is a photo of a white room. There are different machines on the wall, and bags of fluid that go down through tubes and end at a needle. There is a metal table in the middle with straps for the head, torso, arms and legs. A small pool of orange liquid stains the floor to the right of the table.

"Um.. yes... yeah that... that was the room."

"Okay," he says, putting the photo away. "What that orange liquid was... well, it was a mixture of compounds but it was highly concentrated with Tracker Jacker venom. As we know, Tracker Jacker venom is venomous and makes you ill and everything, but it also induces hallucinations. Now, what the Capitol have been doing is manipulating the venom DNA even further and mixing it with other compounds so that when a memory is brought to the surface, it can be changed. Tainted. Of course you can't completely rewrite memories, but you can manipulate certain things. For instance, when Katniss threw that knife harmlessly, the memory could be tainted so that it seems like that knife was aimed at you."

I have to take that in for a second.

"This method has been called Hijacking; partly from the name Tracker Jacker but also because it Hijacks your memories and essentially... your brain. If you change the memories, you can change a person's intent, make them question things they have believed for years. Without certain experiences and with other new ones, we change our course in life, we don't have... any real reason for doing certain things. So if Snow can change your memories of Katniss, twist moments of love spent together into something darker... you could end your love for her, make you want to harm her. If the Mockingjay ended up dead... the revolution would too. Leaving Snow to sit upon his throne of dead children. It's cruel... too cruel... and I'm sorry, Peeta. I'm so sorry."


	31. Thanks For The Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate Gale  
> :)  
> Sorry

Chapter 14

Peeta's POV 

"I'm so sorry."

Haymitch says this over and over, while he tries to calm me down. I can feel the tears running down my face, and my breathing is short and erratic.

"Peeta, listen, there may not be a cure, but I promise we are working on it and they can provide therapy. I will always be here for you if you need me."

"And before then?" I say, trying to steady my voice. "What if they haven't found a cure and that happens whilst Katniss is there? What if I hurt her? Or Willow?"

"Peeta, we will help-"

"How can you help? How, Haymitch? We have gone through so much, SO MUCH. And now, Katniss has PTSD, one of our children is dead without getting a name and my thoughts aren't my own any more. And it can't get better. So IT'S NOT FAIR."

"Peeta, I promise you we can do something about this. I know nothing we do is going to bring back your child, and even having just Willow isn't enough. It isn't the same. But I swear, I can do whatever I can and anyone would do anything if it could help you. Okay? But I need you to promise too that you will let me help you."

My hands grip my hair so hard it feels like I'm pulling the skin right off my scalp. "Why? Why do I even need to go on? Why can't it just end now?"

"Peeta you have to keep fighting. You are a father, a husband. You are only 18. You have your whole life ahead of you. Please, don't end it now. I have wasted most of mine. I wish I hadn't, but I can't change the past. What I can change is how you choose to handle your future. Please Peeta."

But it's too late, as orange washes over my brain. Not like the way I like it. Not the sunset, not any of Katniss's flaming dresses and tempers.

A sickly Capitol orange.

◇◇◇

Gale's POV

I walk the halls of 13.

They aren't too different here than in 12. The people. Just a little messed up.

I don't know where I'm going exactly, just away.

When I find myself listening into Peeta's compartment door, I realise I must have been headed here.

Katniss and I have been friends for years. Since I was 14. Then, four years later, Peeta comes and declares his love for her, getting into her head. Nearly getting her killed. Getting her pregnant.

She told me she never wanted kids. Why did he force this upon her? 

It hurts to think he might have lured her into having sex with him. He seems so nice though. I don't see why he would do this, but it's the only explanation. Katniss wouldn't change her mind about something like that. And she wouldn't lie to me.

But now, Peeta is in the way. I am Katniss's friend. He is just something we picked up along the way. An annoyance. But if he was out of the way...

I knock, and hear muffled yells coming from inside.

The door opens to a middle aged man with greasy black hair and dull grey eyes. I recognise him as Haymitch. I haven't exactly talked to him too much, but I know who he is. "Is Peeta there?" I ask.

"It's a bad time," He says hurriedly. "If you could come back soon, that would be better-"

"No." I say. I'm not exactly sure why I said it, and Haymitch gives me a look, but I go with it and add "It's important."

"He isn't in a fit state to see anyone right now."

"Why not? Scared of the responsibilities he has now that he got Katniss knocked up? Didn't he know that's what happens?"

"Look, I'm not sure what your problem is, but you genuinely can't come in. Get away, I don't need this right now."

I hear something break in the compartment, and Haymitch rushes in, without closing the door. I take the opportunity and go in.

Haymitch holds Peeta's arms, as Peeta tries to pull away. Haymitch is trying to calm him down. I hear Peeta yell "She's just a mutt! A Mutt! A stupid Capitol creation. She tries to kill me. She needs to die, her and that stupid mutt child. They need to die. I'm doing you a favour, don't you see!"

"Peeta, please just... just stop. She isn't a mutt Peeta, please just let me take you to the doctor-"

"NO. SHE IS THERE. SHE IS GOING TO KILL ALL OF US. SHE'S A MUTT, NOTHING BUT A STUPID MUTT AND WE ALL NEED TO STAY AWAY FROM HER."

◇◇◇

I run through the hospital corridors until I get to Katniss's room. I walk in and she looks up with a smile, but it turns to a scowl as she sees me.

"I thought I told you to go."

"And I did," I say, a little out of breath. "And now I'm back."

"Gale, I don't want to see you."

"Why not? Peeta afraid you might like me over him? Does he not want you to see me?"

"No. Peeta doesn't control my life. Neither do you. I chose to be with Peeta, you didn't accept that and I'd like you to leave."

"Katniss, Peeta hates you. I don't know he's probably scared of having the resonsibility of fatherhood or something."

She looks shocked. Hurt, even. "What?" She says, her hold on the baby loosening slightly. I don't know why I noticed that.

"I went round to his compartment. Haymitch was there. He said I shouldn't go in. Peeta was yelling. Yelling that you were a mutt, trying to kill him. He said he wanted nothing to do with you or the baby."

"Willow. He... Peeta wouldn't..." Her eyes glass over.

"Well he did. If you want I could help you with anything." 

"No. Just... Just stay away. Please."

"Katniss-"

"GO!" She yells, and a nurse comes in.

The nurse looks startled. "Who are you?"

"Gale Hawthorne."

"Right, well I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

I turn and walk out the door.

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV

"Katniss, please calm down," says the nurse. "It isn't good for you or the baby."

I am hyperventilating and practically drowning in tears. I'm not even sure what I'm feeling like this about.

I suppose part of me is scared Peeta actually feels that way. After I just lost one child, and maybe I'll have to raise Willow on my own.

But it was Gale. Surely this is a lie, to make me hate Peeta. Why does Gale think he has any ownership of me? He didn't even speak to me for the three months I have been here. And it's December now.

I have to calm.

My name is Katniss Everdeen. I was in the Hunger Games. I survived. So did Peeta. We had two children. One of them died. I didn't even get to see him...

That doesn't help, so I focus my attention back on Willow, who is now crying.

"Shh, It's okay... It's okay... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled like that. Please calm down."

◇◇◇

The door opens again, this time to Haymitch and Peeta.

"Hey, little one." Haymitch says, peering down at Willow. He reaches out for her but I pull her closer. "I promise I will not drop this baby."

"Implying you are fine with dropping other babies." I say, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm not," He says, "I'm just very ashamed that I have done so, so I promise I will not drop this one like I have the other one...s."

"You've dropped multiple babies?"

"It was an accident."

"And you think I'm going to trust you to hold her?"

"But I promised I wouldn't drop her! I didn't promise that to the people whose babies I have dropped," he points out. "And besides that was years ago. I will not drop... your gremlin."

"Willow."

"That's the one."

I make sure she is as safe as possible in Haymitch's arms before he begins to walk around and Peeta sits down on the bed.

"Hey," he says. "How are you feeling?"

"Not too great. And it doesn't help that Gale decided to pay me a visit now for the first time in months."

At the mention of Gale his eyebrows crease a little, a look of concern. "What did he want?"

I hesitate a little, before propping myself up more on the cushions and saying, "Well, he came in here yesterday and I told him to leave, that I didn't want to see him, and then uh... he came back today." I try not to look at Peeta, who is looking at me. I feel his hand on op of mine and pull it away.

"Katniss?"

"He said he'd gone over to your compartment... that Haymitch answered but he ran in... he told me-" my voice catches on something as I try to speak. Like there is some spike at the back of my throat. "That you were screaming... that I was a mutt... that I was trying to kill you... that you wanted nothing to do with me or Willow..." I stare down at my fidgety hands, not wanting to look at Peeta, knowing he will look hurt. But I do. "It's not true, is it?"

His eyes are filled with tears, his eyes skirt the room- the pale white ceiling, the grey walls, Haymitch and willow-, and he seems so be finding it just as hard to speak as I was. "Katniss... I... It isn't... You know I love you both, I..."

The door creaks open once again to a Capitol attendant. "Is Mr. Mellark in here? Oh, yes, you are needed in control."

"Katniss, I..."

"No, you need to go," I say. "You don't want Coin on your case."

He stands and leaves, nodding to the attendant on his way out.

When the door shuts again, Haymitch looks over to it and then comes and gives Willow back to me. "I guess you need to go too."

"Nope."

I'm confused. "But surely-"

"There's something you need to know, and that boy is not going to tell you himself." He sighs. "You know when they got Peeta out the Capitol, and he had that orange stain on his arm? Well, it turns out it was from a newly developed Capitol method of torture."

"What?"

"It's called Hijacking, because it is a serum based mainly on Tracker Jacker venom and because esentially... it hijacks your brain. What it does is you are presented with a memory, and you use the venom which corrupts the memory. What the Capitol have done, is corrupt memories... of you. It only began its effect a few days ago, and it isn't all the time, but he gets... fits, where he just... snaps. That's what Gale saw when he walked in today. I tried to keep him out, because I made a romise to Peeta that I wouldn't tell you. He finds it so hard to visit you because he's afraid it'll happen whilst he's with you, that he will hurt you or Willow. I'm so sorry, we're trying to help him, but there isn't a cure at the moment. Unfortunately, he is also losing memories of you. Don't hurt him for it, maybe just, describe it for him. So he can picture them. This is so hard for him, because he is so scared. And I know you are going through a tough time too, so together it's so, so cruel, but please... you need to be there for each other."

"Thank you. I will be."


	32. Everyone Bleeds

Chapter 15

Katniss's POV

Haymitch leaves, and I was calm when he spoke, but I can't be now.

How did I let this happen? Any of it?

My plan first was just to save my sister. That was all. Then my plan had to be to survive the Games. After that, to try and save Rue- although that could never have happened. Then I had to get Peeta out. Then my plan was to act in love with him, to keep my family safe. Then to run away, into the woods. Until I really fell for Peeta; that's when all the plans I had ever had just unravelled. Suddenly, I realised it wasn't possible to not marry, to not fall in love, because I had. From that moment, there was no going back. That's what lead to this. Then my plan was to keep Peeta safe and alive, which I failed. So then I had to get him back, and now he's back...

I curse Snow for taking Peeta away from me, and hold onto Willow as comfort.

◇◇◇

The next morning they run a couple of tests on me, and say I can go back home.

Whatever they mean by home, I don't know. 13 isn't home. Without Peeta isn't home.

They help me walk and show me to a new compartment that will be "more suited to my needs".

It's next to my Mom's but further away from Peeta's. Probably so I can have help with Willow.

I barely sit down when Haymitch, Plutarch and a Capitol rebel named Fulvia walk in. "Katniss, because you have been given the Okay, we are taking you to District 12. Some of the other victors too, but it's important we take you, because you lived there." Plutarch says. "Now, we didn't just want to dump all this on you straight after you got out of hospital," but you are, "so we are going tomorrow. I'm sure you can arrange for the baby to be taken care of by your mother-"

"Willow." I say, correcting him.

"Yes, I'm sure your mother will be more than happy to take care of Willow. So that leaves me to explain why you are going, I suppose. Well, we have got together a camera team and we plan on shooting something we have called Propos, short for Propaganda shots. The idea is we put you in different places, show the districts you are still fighting. Present you as the Mockingjay, and it should inspire people- to fight, to rise against the Capitol. I know it's short notice but Haymitch was the one who convinced us to wait this long. But tomorrow if you could go down to special defence before coming to the hangar that would be good. Beetee has something to show you."

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV

I hear a knock as I am about to leave to see Katniss, and open the door to Gale.

A lump rises in my throat as I let him in.

"I thought you would like to know that Katniss has been moved from a hospital room back to a compartment."

"Oh, well, thanks," I say. His stare is cold and sharp. Accusing.

"Do you not know that your actions have consequences or something?" He says. "That's what happens, you get a a baby. And if you weren't ready to deal with that, and neither was she-"

"Gale what is this?"

"You not caring that you have a child. Not caring that Katniss has given up her old life for a life with you, and you go yelling that she's a mutt? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"You don't know what's going on."

"Yeah I do, you can't face the real responsibilities that come with what you do. You say you love Katniss and then expect loads back and then you get it and it's too much. Why didn't you just leave her alone instead of hurting her?"

The words are like he has fashioned them into a knife and stabbed my heart, only it's a thousand times more painful. "Gale, I love her. And Willow."

"Sure didn't seem like that yesterday. What makes you think Katniss deserves someone like you? Yelling that she is better off dead. Her and YOUR CHILD."

"Gale, please."

"NO. WHY WOULD SHE EVEN THINK SHE SHOULD BE WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU WHEN SHE HAS ME?"

"THAT WASN'T ME."

"Oh yeah? Sure..."

"In the Capitol... Snow tortured me. Changed my memories. I have... fits. Where there is nothing but the twisted memories. I have to stay away because if it happens when I'm around her I could kill her. I hate myself. I absolutely hate myself. I just wish it wasn't like this. I can't even remember everything that happened in the first games."

He stands in icy silence. "Then you are right. You should stay away."

"What?"

"You have NO RIGHT TO PUT HER THROUGH THIS-"

I cut him off, yelling, "NEITHER DO YOU. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO KNOW ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO GO TELLING KATNISS! THE REASON SHE DOESN'T KNOW IS BECAUSE IT'LL HURT HER MORE."

"WELL THEN," he says, coming closer and lowering his voice, "stay away."

Suddenly, a rush of pain floods through my face and I see stars. A faint trickle runs down my lip.

I throw a punch back and feel my fist connect with his jaw, sending his head back. His hands grip my throat and throw me against a wall. I know I can't breathe.

A face appears at the door, but it is blurred.

I hear shouts and Gale's hands are torn off me just as the edges of my vision go blank.

I manage to breathe again a little before it all disappears.

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV

I can see Peeta, slumped on the floor and passed out, his throat bruised and blood running from his nose. 

Gale is there, thrashing about as Haymitch tries to grab him.

"What the hell happened?" I say, staring at the scene in front of me. I have Willow in my arms; I brought her to see Peeta, but he won't exactly be very useful passed out on the floor.

"Looks like someone," Haymitch says, "decided to pay Peeta a visit." He aims the next sentence at Gale. "What exactly do you think you were doing here?"

"Trying to teach that jerk a lesson."

"And what lesson would that be? That he is mentally ill so it would be better if he passed out? Now wait here," Haymitch threatens, going to the phone to call the hospital.

"Why?" I say, staring at Gale. "Why did you need to do that? I'm not yours, Gale, get that into your damned head! What the hell makes you think you need to beat up Peeta to impress me? Why would you do something so sick? Just stay away, please, for the third time. I don't need you anymore. Grow up."

"Catnip..."

"Don't call me that."

I storm out, Willow in my arms.


	33. Venom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On Wattpad, this would have been the start of Unsafe And Unfound, that's why the chapter is back at 1

Chapter 1

Katniss's POV 

For the second time in a few months I sit by Peeta's bed.

His breathing is steady but not as deep as it should be. They say he will wake up soon.

The door opens for Haymitch to enter, and he leans against the wall.

"His neck will heal soon. Of course his nose should be fine but... I've been talking to the doctors... when he wakes... the Tracker Jacker serum will be suppressed for a few hours but then... it will be stronger. I'm sorry but... you may want to have a moment because it may be the last safe time for a few months."

The blow hits any square in the chest, and I feel a small shortness of breath. "What do you mean? I thought they were just fits..."

Haymitch sighs. "Look, things don't always work out sweetheart. Peeta... he's been through a lot- you both have. But this... it gives the Venom a chance to corrupt his brain further, so they say that... it will probably have taken over more of his memories." He stares at me for a moment, and I know what that stare is. A patronising, condemning one. Telling me I'm weak; I'm fragile; there's nothing I can do about this. No matter or crying, or screaming. This is going to happen. "I talked to him maybe... an hour before Gale got to him. It was getting worse. He said..." He shifts his gaze from my face to the wall, then the floor, "he couldn't remember proposing to you. The second time. He knows he did but he said he didn't remember that night. I'm sorry."

He rests his hand on my shoulder for a second, a supportive gesture, then moves back out the door. People keep doing that- coming into a room, dropping a massive peace of information then leaving. Especially Haymitch.

"What did they do to you Peeta?"

◇◇◇

I come back after eating, Willow with me; my Mom had to work again and I'm not going to burden Prim for too long.

"Hey, I'm sorry I wasn't with you earlier. I had to be here with Peeta. He needs me right now, and I know you do too. Please forgive me." Willow is quiet. Good. She kept me up a couple nights in the hospital. Her eyes are open, and they look crossed a little. It makes me smile a bit, and then she starts crying out. "No no please shhh... shhhh.... it's okay, it's okay don't worry. I'm here."  
Peeta's arm moves a little and I see his eyelids flicker.

"Peeta?"

His eyes open, so I can see the blue. A smile breaks across his face. He's not fully hijacked yet, but this won't last long. "Are you okay?"

"I think... Gale..."

"Yeah, I know. He came to your compartment."

Willow starts crying again, and I begin to try and calm her again, only stressing myself out more.

Peeta holds his arms out and props himself up on pillows. I lower her into his arms, which causes her a short hesitation. "Shhhh.... Hi Willow. It's me, your dad. Hey," he bounces her up and down in his arms a little until she stops crying.

"How do you do that? Calm her down?"

"You do it too," he says, raising his blond eyebrows.

"Not like you."

He contemplates this. "Well, how are you so good with Prim?" I shrug. "I don't know how you do that."

I smile, and we have our last moments smiling before my Mom comes to take me out again. Peeta hands me Willow and smiles as I walk away.

When I'm out the door, my smile fades to a frown. I'm about to lose someone else to the Capitol.


	34. Ashes

Chapter 2

Katniss's POV 

My nails are bitten down to the rim as I take the elevator down to special defence. 

The floors are cold and dull, just like the rest of 13. Except Peeta. Peeta brightens it up, with his blond hair, bright blue eyes and shining smile that can hide the pain and tears of everything we have been through.

But I know I can't think like that now. He's gone. No, Not gone- Hijacked.

I still have to go to twelve, though. I left Willow, who seemed rather quiet, with my mother. 

I go through the doors into special defence and immediately think I need to go back to hospital when I see not just one but two people in wheelchairs. One of them is Beetee, but I can't be seeing double because the other one seems taller in the chair and doesn't have glasses or a beard. My heart skips a beat when I see a small hint of gold lining the top of his eyes.

"Cinna," my brain doesn't register that my legs are running, or that my arms are hugging him. "I thought you were dead."

"No. I was kept in the Capitol though. Thirteen rescued me." There are two visible scars on his face and a needle that goes from his arm through a tube to a bag of sickly green yellow liquid and a few switches. "I wanted to give you this."

In his hands is a black book. A sketchbook. He places it in my hands and I carefully open it to the front page. It is a sketchbook, with Cinna's sketches in it- sketches of me. In flames, wedding dresses, the mockingjay dress.

Then some kind of armoured black gear. The book is filled with different variations of this suit. Scrawled in the back is I'm still betting on you, girl on fire.

"Thank you." Right now, with Peeta hijacked, knowing Cinna is alive and supporting me helps.

◇◇◇

The suit is the perfect fit- Cinna's work usually is.

Beetee has made me a bow. Finnick has a trident. There was another crossbow that was going to be for Gale, but he has been 'Temporaraily Suspended' from authority due to the 'minor setback' of him nearly killing Peeta. They made an axe for Johanna, but she isn't coming today. Annie has been said too unstable to come, and Finnick didn't want her getting in any danger anyway. There was a knife on the wall too- made to be like the other weapons, a black handle and silvery black blade. They didn't mention it or who it's for.

So it's for Peeta.

I am strapped into a seat on the hovercraft. Plutarch tries to run me through the propos again.

"So Cressida will talk to you, ask some questions, and you have to answer with what we feed you through the earpiece, which is your parts of the script we wrote. And just so you know, we recommend you say it was a miscarriage. Don't want Snow to use the baby to get to you again."

I nod. I can't let Snow know about Willow, about another path he could use to drive me over the edge.

The hovercraft lands and as soon as I step out, there is ash everywhere. It has been months since the Capitol dropped the firebombs here, but it is still warm and fresh smoke lingers in the air.

Cressida begins to speak to me, and a loud voice pierces my ears.

"Ow."

Messala comes to fix my earpiece, and Cressida speaks again. "So Katniss, how have you been doing in thirteen?"

I repeat the words from my ears. "I am fine. My family are fine, and my friends are fine, safe from the Capitol. So now I know that we need to defeat the Capitol's hunger." It seems stupid, and Haymitch actually starts laughing. Fulvia - Plutarch's assistant - gives him a glare with furrowed eyebrows. "You think that's gonna make the districts long to fight with the Mockingjay?" He says.

"Well what do you suggest?"

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV

It is quiet in here. Until a voice hits me in the head. Washes over my brain.

It washes through until I am left with one thought:

I need to kill Katniss.


	35. Just A Game

Chapter 3 

Katniss's POV

"Look, I still don't understand, you want me to do what?" It is the first time in months that I have my voice back.

"Just whatever. Walk around. Talk about twelve. The cameras will follow you." Plutarch really isn't helping me out here. First, I had no reign over what I did and said- now, it's half an hour and a long speech from Haymitch later and I'm supposed to do whatever comes to mind? It's like being thrown into a small cage and then just left in a desert with nothing there. But I guess there's nothing else to do except walk, so I walk.

I walk.

There is a lump of metal and brick that is too familiar- the bakery. The sight of skulls brings bile up to my throat. "This is where it was," I croak. "Peeta's family's house. They died. Because of the Capitol. They didn't even have me or Peeta tell them I was pregnant, they just learnt it from the interviews. And the baby is gone now anyway. It's unlikely there will be another." I pretend there was a miscarriage, but the tears in my eyes are real for the stillborn boy with no name. I never even got to see him.

I turn to the square. More lumps of melted metal- the whipping post, the gallows- cruel devices of torture that were burned with everything else. Making the thousands of lives here just as worthless.

I see Victors Village still standing though, and ask for a few moments alone.

The door to our house is wide open, so it's no effort getting in.

It seems so clean and sterile. 

I find a bag somewhere and pick it up. I end up stuffing it with photos of our family, some herbs from my mother's cupboard, the hunting jacket my father wore. I wander up the stairs, and push open the door to my room. The sheets have been washed since I left for the quell, but the rest of the room is the same. I pick up the family book of medicinal plants, since it holds useful information and memories from my father and Peeta.

Peeta.

His shoes are by the bed. A shirt. 

I find myself picking the shirt up, pulling it close to me. Lying on the bed. Crying.

I must be there for a while, because Haymitch comes in calling my name. When he sees me crying, he just sits next to me and puts his hand on my shoulder. "Can I see him again?"

He gives me a sympathetic smile. "I don't know. Maybe."

I hear a small hiss, and see a mass of ginger fur. Buttercup. For some unknown reason, I pick him up and pull him into the shirt against my chest. His fur is raggedy and rough but it feels vaguely comforting to hold him, to feel his steady breathing. He begins to yell loudly and I wrap him in the shirt like a little baby, laughing because he looks so stupid.

"Do you think you can come back out?" Haymitch asks. I nod and he picks up the bag.

"Wait," I say, rushing and putting the shirt and Buttercup bundle into it as Buttercup protests loudly. Haymitch smiles a little.

"Come on then."

I get up to walk down the stairs when I spot one thing I didn't see before; a small flash of white in the dead flowers on the windowsill. My brow creases and I can't breathe when I see what it is.

A white rose.

I stop dead in my tracks, and Haymitch has to pull me away and shake me out of the cage in my head.

"He knows. Haymitch HE KNOWS. He did this. He's going to get us."

"Calm down. Now. You can't let it get to you, this is all going to be on camera. That's what Snow wants. He can't do anything to you or your family I promise. Katniss, they're safe. It's just to scare you."

He has to practically drag me outside.

◇◇◇

The camera team are dotted around, comparing footage, discussing where to film, who to film.

It doesn't occur to anyone that I'm too broken to.

Too broken to film, to act, to live.

But I have to. If I want to be free. If I want Willow to be free. If I want us to all be safe. For Peeta to get better.

◇◇◇

We end up in the woods. It's the only place I really felt comfortable.

Now I think about it, there are Mockingjays everywhere.

When the team settle down to eat, I sneak off to the lake.

I wish I could just do what I used to do- just get into the water. Swim. Let my worries drift away.

I must be there for a good solid five minutes before I hear footsteps behind me. At the rate I keep trying to get away, they're probably thinking of putting a tracker on me. I turn, "Okay, I'll go back..."

The man shakes his head and sits next to me. He's one of the two brothers, Castor and Pollux. I don't remember which way around they are though, but the head nod suggests he's the avox.

We sit listening to the birds. It is calming here.

He points to a mockingjay. I nod, "Yeah, like on my pin." But it isn't just from the pin Madge gave me anymore; it's a symbol of hope, light in the darkness.

His hands go to a whistle aroud his neck and he blows a tune. It bounces around the birds like a rumour in school.

He picks up a stick and draws letters in the sand.

SING?

◇◇◇

Of all the songs that I could've sung, I don't know why my brain picked out the Hanging Tree. I haven't sung it for years. But somehow, it seemed to fit.

A wall of clapping surrounds me. The song echoes through the air.

Are you, are you, coming to the tree...

"Well done!" Plutarch says. "Where would you think that up? You were right Haymitch."

"What," I ask, "What did I do?" But when I turn I know exactly what had happened. The camera guy was supposed to get something out of me for the cameras. But he just let me do it. He is smiling with tears in his eyes.

"Amazing!" people keep saying.

Until the first bang goes off.

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV

I just want to get out. Let me out. This isn't my ideas. Just give me back my brain.

◇◇◇

Doctors come and go. They ask me questions, like "What do you remember?"

They keep asking me about Katniss. As if I'd know anything about that mutt, other than that she was in the Games with me, hates me, tried to kill me and that I've never wanted anything to do with her.

At one point they show me a picture of a baby. It looks dead. They ask if I recognise it, to which I answer No, why would I? It's just some random baby? and they scribble stuff down viciously.

They ask if the name Willow means anything to me. This is confusing. Willow is a name I've always wanted to name my child if I had a girl. What that has to do with anything, I don't know.

They ask me about the games, what happened in them. I have explained it a thousand times:

I was reaped after Katniss volunteered to go in, so she could prove she was a survivor. She was hostile toward me, threw a knife at me and cut my hands after I did something Haymitch told me to do. When we went in, I was with the Careers and we were hunting her down. She dropped a nest of wasps on me. She killed the little girl she allied with and then tried to find me, to play lovers. All the time she was trying to kill me. She pulled the arrow out of a torniquet she made so that I nearly bled to death. She pointed her bow and arrows at me. At the end she even pulled out poisonous berries and said we should both take them, but she was never going to. They were only ever for me.

After that she froze me out.

In the second games she left me stranded amongst the water and Finnick saved me. He insisted we all team up because she was a ruthless killer. She didn't warn me when she saw a forcefield, tried to stop Finnick from saving me. She made me run in after her and be tortured by the Jabberjays. She didn't come after me when I was being hurt by the District 1s and 2s. She shot that arrow at the forcefield to create an explosion to kill me. Let the Capitol capture me. Told them to blow up 12, my home. My family died because of her. She's psychopathic. SHe needs to be locked up. She's a mutt.


	36. Bombs

Chapter 4

Peeta's POV

When it finishes I have so many questions.

Why do I remember it differently? I know what happened. And it was not that.

"Peeta, what you have just seen is a recording of the 74th Hunger Games. Do you have any questions you would like to ask?"

Yes.

"Why is it different?" I ask.

His brow creases, "Different how?"

"That's not what happened. Why did you change it? I hate her. She's a mutt. I should never have allied with her. She tried to kill me. Why did you change it?"

"Peeta, we didn't change anything. These are the true events of the games."

"But that's not what happened. I don't remember any of that."

He sighs. "Can I explain something to you? Okay, well, tomorrow we are going to show you the 75th games. Then we will run over what happened after. There is less footage of that, but we will work with what we have. All this footage is mostly unedited, except for some of the footage from the Capitol; we don't know what they did with any of that. We will also explain some of the things that have gone on more recently. Is that okay?"

I nod, but I am still confused.

◇◇◇

All of it is real. The footage. My memories are wrong. Please just let me escape. I just want to be myself or be gone. There's no point in me without my memories. Please.

◇◇◇

The doctors are running around frantically.

I can hear shouts and whispers at the same time. Calling all the medics urgently.

There was a bombing, apparently, and there was a team in the bombing.

The camera team.

With the Mockingjay.

katniss... is she okay? katniss? please be okay....

I instantly forget the thought as soon as it came.

◇◇◇

From what I hear, a couple of the camera crew were almost fatally injured and in a coma. Finnick got hit in the arm but got away with Fulvia, Cressida, one of the two brothers and someone else I haven't heard of. Plutarch got hit with some shrapnel and has hearing damage.

They don't mention Haymitch directly infront of me, but as far as I can tell he is okay, just a few burns.

I don't hear about Katniss. I hope she died. Then she wouldn't be a problem anymore.


	37. How It Feels

Chapter 5

Katniss's POV

Being awake hurts. But at least I'm not tormented by dreams of a loving Peeta. That just reminds me of what I don't have.

There are many tubes entering my body, each one seems to be connected to some bag or machine.

Beeping rings in my ears. It is hard to organise my thoughts.

I think... I was in twelve... we were filming...

And that's where it goes blurry.

The edges of my vision are a little faded. I can't speak. I think they put me in surgery.

There are stitches in my arms and legs, they have had to remould some skin on my left side.

I just want sleep.

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV

"KATNISS!"  
I barely register myself screaming to her.  
She turns her head for a second, looks to the sky, and lets the arrow fly, before she begins to run to me.  
I start toward her and we are both blown backward in a flash of light.

Then the video cuts out. I think I remember some of it... not perfectly, but the last part...

I thought I felt something, but when I reach for it it's already too far gone.

"So, that was the 75th Games. Peeta, if you can, please ask any questions you have and explain how this is different and how this makes you feel."

For a few minutes I just sit staring at the screen. "Why was she throwing up that much? She wasn't like that in the first games."

The doctor just looks at her clipboard and scribbles something down, but she doesn't answer.

"Why did I say that in the interviews?"

"Well, we believe that you wanted to help Katniss. That you wanted to keep her safe. That's what Haymitch told us. How do you feel now, Peeta?"

"I hate her. But... I thought she tried to kill me." I shake my head. "Why are my memories different?"

She sighs. "We believe Haymitch may have already explained this to you, but I suppose you wouldn't remember. After the events of this Games, Plutarch put saving Katniss as the top priority. Unfortunately, they couldn't go in the area around the lightning tree for a while because of air poisoning, so they had to get some of the others first. They found Johanna, but they couldn't see anyone else. When they thought it was okay, they went and they got Katniss out, but the Capitol airships had started to come in, so they couldn't get you. Haymitch wanted to, but if they did they would've all been caught by the Capitol. You were then retrieved by the Capitol. We believe they used a method called 'Hijacking'. It's a new method and we aren't entirely sure about all aspects of what it does, since the effects vary from person to person. But the basics are that they bring up a memory- by asking questions or showing footage- and inject tracker jacker serum into your veins. This can distort the memory. Are you following?"

I nod slowly. It's a little much to take in, but I understand. "So they decided to save her? The Mutt? And they left me in the hands of Snow?"

"Peeta, it was hard choice... Understand that they wanted to save you."

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV

A few days later, they let me out.

My Mom has been taking care of Willow, and it feels good to have her back in my shaking arms.

"Hey... Momma's back. I'm sorry you can't see your Daddy right now... he'll get better soon though, won't he?"

I don't go to lunch. I'm not hungry and I don't want to have to talk to anyone.

I am woken from a restless sleep by Willow crying. Her eyes are a bright blue, like Peeta's. I hold her as we both cry.

"I'm sorry Willow."


	38. Empty

Chapter 6 

Katniss's POV

Haymitch manages to convince me to eat lunch.

He brings a lump of bread and soup to my compartment, and sits with me as I eat.

"Your sister was thankful for the rescue of Buttercup. His fur was a little singed, but somehow he survived a second bombing."

"He'd probably survive a hundred. It wouldn't surprise me if he was Immortal," I say, swirling my spoon through the lumpy brown liquid.

"Eat," Haymitch insists, "At the moment I don't care how much you hate yourself, it isn't just you you're taking care of now."

"Look, I know, I just... as much as I'd want to nothing gets me to do that. Mom could take care of Willow if she needed to, she has already."

He stares me dead in the eyes. "You can't do that to your family. It's too much for your mother, your sister... and the baby. You of all people know the hardship of losing a parent. You want your child to never know her parents? And if Peeta doesn't make it, what, she'll have neither of them?" My head hangs in some kind of shame, as a silence breaks between us. 

He's right. I can't do that to Willow. Or my Mom. I'm worth more to them than I am to myself.

"Speaking of Willow," he says, "Plutarch had this radical new idea..." His eyebrows raise as he says this.

"Not a Plutarch idea," I groan.

"Well," he scoffs, "It actually didn't seem as stupid as the normal ones. He said that we could introduce Willow to Peeta, without telling him who she actually is. Willow could bond with her Father, and he could bond with her. We would just say it's part of the method of calming his brain, which it is, but it would also help when we have to tell him what happened between you."

I contemplate this. "Can I see him first?"

Haymitch is silent for a moment. His mouth is set in a hard line parallel to his eyebrows. "Considering how he was when he was Hijacked, you wouldn't be able to go in. But I suppose you could observe him."

"Okay."

"And EAT," he reminds me, "you need to put some wait on you if you are going to be the Mockingjay. You can't just starve yourself. They wouldn't let you die, you'd just be fitted with a feeding tube. And I recall you distinctly didn't like them."

I spoon the liquid into my mouth. It tastes of dirt.

◇◇◇

I stand in front of the one-way glass. Peeta is sat on a bed. He is calm.

The doctor enters, and sits down.

"Are you here to show me more of that stupid fake footage?" He says. His voice has an edge to it I haven't heard before.

"No Peeta. We were just going to ask you some questions."

Haymitch's hand grips mine.

"What memories do you have associated with Katniss Everdeen?" The doctor asks. She has a kind voice that goes with her dark brown eyes. They are like the colour of the hot chocolate we had on the first train to the Games. Does Peeta remember that?

"She was in the Games with me. She tried to kill me many times. I'm surprised she hasn't succeeded yet. I hate her and I wish I had killed her in that arena."

It hurts more than the scars on my arm. Than giving birth. Than having my arm stabbed. Of everything that I have gone through, this hurts the most. My heart just feels like a vaccum, trying to suck in any goodness left in the world.

"But," he continues, "you say that isn't true. I've already answered you questions. Why are you asking me more? WHY? YOU KNOW I'VE TOLD YOU SHE WAS A MUTT. SHE IS A MUTT. YOU NEED TO STAY AWAY FROM HER."

◇◇◇

Fulvia finds me crying in a hallway somewhere. She doesn't tell anyone, instead gives me a sympathetic look. "I'm sorry. That must be so hard for you. You should go to your baby. She needs you."

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV

"SHE IS A MUTT. YOU NEED TO STAY AWAY FROM HER."

The words escape my mouth but I don't even understand why they are there. What says she's a mutt?

I hear a sound from behind the wall. It's a very muffled cry. It must be loud if I can hear it.

"Sorry, I... I shouldn't. Please... what's happening to me? I barely remember my parents or... anything. I can't trust my memories any more."

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV

Haymitch shows me the full video from after I left. He calmed down, Peeta, that is.

I agree and say that Peeta can see Willow. She should at least know her father. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be here. Snow wants me dead. Coin wants me dead. Peeta wants me dead. I want me dead. Things aren't exactly looking too good for me right now.


	39. Smile

Chapter 7

Peeta's POV

This time it's the first doctor I had again. He has brown curls and grey eyes. He looks like either someone from the seam or from District twelve. He wears round glasses and a hearing aid. That's how I recognise him.

"Hello again, Peeta," he says. "So, today we have a plan. We would like you to meet someone. I know it's hard for you at the moment but please, stay calm."

In walks a tall, ginger haired nurse. In his arms, he holds something. It is small.

He hands it to me. 'It' is a small baby. "What's her name?" I ask. I don't know why I said her. 

"Willow," says the nurse, smiling. 

That's the name I would've chose. And it suits her. She is so fragile. She has light olive skin, a black fluff of hair and bright blue eyes. "How old is she?"

"3 weeks old."

"Hello Willow," I say, a large smile breaking across my face. The corners of her mouth go up at the edges, clearly trying to smile like me. 

I laugh. She is actually quite cute.

I'm instantly attached.

Maybe one day I will have my own Willow.

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV

"Hey, it'll be okay," Haymitch says.

I take a deep breath. I really hope Peeta doesn't snap again.

We walk up to the glass and see Peeta in there. He is talking to a doctor.

Here it comes, I think.

The nurse called Jiin walks in, holding Willow. Peeta's eyes are focused on her. 

"What's her name?" he asks. At first this seems normal, but then I realise he couldn't have known she was she. I looked at Haymitch to see he was also looking at me. I think the same thing was in both of our minds- he remembers.

He has her in his arms, and for a moment I can see the real Peeta; soft and gentle. Calm. Kind.

Willow smiles up at him. Her first smile.

◇◇◇

We take Willow to see Peeta every day that week. He seems calmer each time. 

At the end of the week, the doctors decide to do a questions test again.

I want to go, but I'm called to a meeting.

I can see Fulvia, Finnick, Messalla, Cressida, a couple others, Plutarch and Haymitch. Coin is there too of course. "Well," Coin begins, "unfortunately, that didn't go too well but at least we got some footage. Beetee is busy preparing it. I wanted to ask about what we could do for another Propo. Plutarch?"

"Well," He says, after Fulvia nudging him. I think the bombing affected his hearing. "We were thinking about sending everyone into district eight. It would spread hope and, overall, show the Capitol we will do anything. Everyone has consented. So, Katniss, will you do it?"

Coin's silvery eyes slide across the air to penetrate my eyeline. If I don't, it's practically a guarantee she will hurt someone. "Okay."

◇◇◇


	40. Better To Try

17th Jan  
Chapter 8

Peeta's POV

They have brought Willow to me alot these past two weeks; everyday, actually. And they're right - she is calming.

Today- a Friday apparently, in the middle of January, not that it matters at the moment anyway- they want to test me again. They did this last week too.

Willow is smiling, reaching up at me.

"Doesn't her mom and dad miss her?" I ask.

The doctor smiles. "Her mom and dad are fine with it. Well, her dad can't exactly give too much of an opinion, but from what we can tell he is and it's the mom's choice really. Their situation... is complicated."

"Okay," I nod.

"I guess at the moment, you're sort of her dad," he says.

Willow giggles a little as I smile down at her. "Someone is happy today."

"So, can we ask you some questions now?" The doctor asks.

"Sure."

He flicks through his clipboard. "So, could you explain the events of the first games?"

"Um, yeah," I answer, after pausing for a minute, "well, I remember Katniss's sister, Prim, was reaped and Katniss volunteered. We went on the train, showed Haymitch that we could be fighters and Haymitch told me to say in the Interviews that I loved her, so I did. I mean, I didn't actually love her, really, but I said it. We went in the games. The rest is on tape."

He begins to write this down. "Peeta, this has changed from your original story. Could you explain how, if you can?"

"Well, I thought she threw a knife aimed at me... but it seems... shiny. Man-made. It isn't like a normal memory. I realised that it wasn't what happened."

"Okay. Peeta, we have come to the conclusion that your memories that have been changed, we can't exactly do anything about those. But we are going to have to put you in surgery. It seems that there is an instrument in your arm that is steadily injecting more venom. The memories that haven't changed, but been lost... those, we can save. By taking the chip out. You understand?"

"Yes," I say hesitantly. "When... when's the surgery?"

"Hopefully today. Is that okay?"

It takes all my effort to swallow.

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV

Only as he is being sedated am I told that Peeta is going into surgery. Apparently there is a microchip in his arm that is producing a steady stream of tracker jacker venom. If they can get it out, any hidden memories that haven't been changed can be revived.

I hold Willow whilst I stand outside the glass wall of the operating theatre. I am staring intently in to see he's okay, but someone pulls the blind so I can't see.

After a few minutes I end up sat in the waiting room. "What do you think of your Father, Willow? He's getting better right?" Tears escape the corners of my eyes. "Please say he's okay."

◇◇◇

Haymitch's POV

The girl is crying. I think the baby is asleep.

I don't know why us broken people congregate together, or how, but we do. Like a great big sadness magnet.

The long sleeves of the girl's oversized grey shirt are pushed up her arms. They must have given her the standard issue clothing, despite her only being two thirds of the normal height for other girls coming up to 18. They are drawn to the elbow. That part of her arm is normally covered, so it's a surprise to see the olive skin out of its prison of cloth. When I focus carefully, I can see some thin lines on her arm. Some are pale. Others are bright pink. So her PTSD has gone further than everyone thought. It probably isn't just PTSD anymore. There aren't any words strong enough for what she has had to go through.

Her hair is matted, barely scraped together into the braid.

I sit down next to her and rest my arm on her shoulder. "He's gonna be okay," I say. There isn't any guarantee he will be though. He is on an operating table. There is any chance that something will go wrong, and if it does they won't be able to fix it. This isn't the Capitol.

Before he went in, they briefed me on the risks. I don't think it would be any better to leave him- at least this way he has a chance of getting better.

If the chip was left in him, then it would keep injecting the concentrated venom. It would completely rewrite his personality. He would be gone.

With taking it out, they may save his memories- well, some of them at least. And that could be enough to get him back. But... of course there is a great big BUT. Stopping people from their lives. A careful balancing point. It is entirely possible some normal surgery concerns could happen- he could stop breathing, lose too much blood, get infected. And there's the exclusive concerns. When he wakes, more of his memories could be changed. It could go back to square one.

But it's better to try.

"What if I never see him again?" She says. Her voice is small; vulnerable. "Like I never saw Silas? I never even got to tell Peeta his name. He was born and then he was dead. It's all my fault."

Silas. I remember the name- it's short for Silvanus. The roman god of the forest.

It takes a while to remember where the name came from. He was my best friend. The Capitol killed him.

"I'm sorry." It's not nearly enough, but there's this unspoken rule between us of what sorry really means. It expresses our pain of not being able to help one another. It's a promise, that hopefully one day we can make up for the other's loss. Because there is no way to help. And that's not okay. But we have to let it go.


	41. Another Way To See

Chapter 9

Haymitch's POV

Plutarch stops me as I try to walk out. He has briefed me that Finnick and Annie are getting married. A little quick, I think. And a tiny bit inconsiderate if you think that Katniss and Peeta wanted to do the same thing, and were even having a child, but were stopped before they could marry. The one time they did, and it wasn't official. "Peeta is out of surgery," Plutarch says.

I start to ask, is he okay? Is he better? But Plutarch cuts me off with "He isn't awake yet, and I don't know anything else. Oh, but, I wouldn't tell Ms. Everdeen yet. Might upset her again. Last time we nearly had to sedate her, and I don't want to waste the Mockingjay."

Plutarch is a genius in politics. But in emotions, he really is an idiot. How do they not see the struggles these two are going through? If anything, this news would make her less upset.

Well, upset isn't a strong enough word. People here really make a mole hill out of a mountain don't they?

I agree that I won't tell her until the doctors have some results though, because I don't want to be on Plutarch's bad side when he makes irrational decisions.

Still, the first thing I do is go to his hospital room. Well, it's called that. Honestly, it's more like a cell.

I stand behind the glass. He has just woken up, they say.

I can see he is sitting up. Apparently the operation was a success, but the look on his face speaks confusion.

"Hey, um," I say to a doctor, stopping her in her tracks, "You think it'd be okay if I went in there and talked to him?"

"Uhhh," she says, looking down at her clipboard, "sure, as long as you are careful We don't know what he's going to be like."

I nod and she lets me in.

Peeta's eyes instantly fix on me. "Hey." 

He doesn't reply for a minute, just stares at me. I rock back on my heels, feeling extremely uncomfortable. "So," I begin, "How are you feeling?" I decide to make eye contact. That's what I'm supposed to do.

"Who sent you?" he croaks out.

I crease my eyebrows. "I asked to come in here, to see you."

The look he gives me is dark. "You haven't been to see me yet."

"I wasn't allowed."

Silence again. Then, "What happened? I had my memories and now... they're... well... there's new ones. Ones that didn't happen."

I sigh. "No, they... they did happen. The surgeons saved them. Otherwise they would've all been changed."

"I... I don't like Katniss," his face is serious. "So why is there this memory. I think you'll know which one I'm talking about."

The night they married. "Well... you loved her then. Anyone could see. You could see it in your eyes, your actions, your very being... We could tell."

"And did she love me?" He is serious. Genuinely.

"She didn't know, I don't think... until perhaps, I don't know, a month before that happened, and I could see she realised she did. And then it happened and... I assume you know the rest."

"Does she still love me?"

This strikes me. I wasn't expecting this. His eyes are like frozen ice in the grey white room. I know people will be watching, so I don't want to expose either of them, but he has the right to know. "Yes. Yeah, I believe she does."

"Why?"

"Well, because you are kind, and funny, and you just loved each other."

He stops. "Does she know that they bring the baby to me?"

"Yeah."

"And whose is it?"

"Just some person from 13's," I lie. It hurts to lie to him.

◇◇◇

Johanna's POV

The news of Finnick and Annie's marriage is like light in the dark for everyone.

My best friend and the girl I love. Not that I can say anything- she loves Finnick, which is beautiful, and he loves her.

I hear a knock on the compartment door. "It's me," a familiar voice says.

I open it to Hazel, who gives me a hug straight away.

Hazel is tall- a lot taller than me- and she has dark brown curls that escape any method of trying to put her hair back, so recently she cut it shorter. She has black freckles that still stand out on her warm skin. Her eyes are like burning embers, dancing firelight, like when they burned wood back in 7. I believe she came from 11, made her way through the forest and became a refugee here 3 years back.

"Hey, how are you?" I ask. She pulls away and pushes the door closed.

I remember when I first came here. She welcomed me, and I found myself liking her. Proper liking her. I found out she also liked girls so I asked her if she was available and now we are here.

"I'm good. Bit stressed, but I usually am so I guess- normal." She smiles that bright smile. "And you?"

"I'm good." I lean against her and she kisses me.

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV

I wait outside my Mom and Prim's compartment. I haven't talked to them in ages. I left Willow with Peeta.

I realise I'm supposed to be at lunch, so that's where they will be too.

I end up going to lunch for once. I grab some of the grim looking stew. I don't want to know what's in there.

I sit down next to my Mom and Prim and my Mom stares at me in disbelief, but Prim hugs me. Her voice is muffled, but I can still hear her say "Thanks for Buttercup."

"It's okay, little duck." My Mom smiles at me. I think she's glad I'm eating. I don't eat much, but at least it's some.

When we are walking back, I see Haymitch.

"Peeta, he's awake."

"Is he okay?" I start frantically.

"Yeah... I talked to him and he... he wants to see you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There, you can have Johanna's GF.


	42. Desire To Kill

Chapter 10

Peeta's POV

The way she walks in the room is apprehensive. She has an earpiece in- it's supposed to be hidden, I think, but I'm not so stupid I wouldn't notice.

Quite why I asked for her to come, I don't know. Maybe because she watches my conversations on the other side of the glass anyway. Maybe because I don't want her to think she has the right to watch me like I'm hers. Because I'm not. I don't even understand why she thinks that- she's supposed to be smart. She knows that people don't belong to others.

"Hey," she says after a while. There is a small crease in her eyebrows, like she's actually concerned for me.

I realise that she's actually quite short. Not exactly pretty features.

It only occurs to me that I've said this aloud when she replies. But I don't quite catch what she says, so I stay silent. "Why are you here?" I then ask.

"They said you asked for me."

"Yeah. but I don't know why."

She looks a little hurt. "You... didn't ask for me?"

"No, I did. I'm just not sure why."

"Okay. I think I'll go now.."

"Wait," I cut her off as she walks to the door. I feel a sudden sense of urgency that I shouldn't let her leave, but I just put it down to my curiosity of the warped memories.

She turns to me. "Yeah?"

"I remember some stuff that I didn't before. The night before the games were announced... we... was that real?"

"It depends what you're actually referring to." She completely dodges it.

"Oh, I think you know what I mean. Pretty hard to forget, but hey, my memories were altered by the Capitol, so what's your excuse?" As soon as this leaves my mouth I know it's a little rude, but she is the reason my family is dead. It is the reason my family is dead.

Her body is frozen in place. She stiffly nods her head. 

"There's some other stuff that doesn't seem right either. The bread. Why would I let my Mother beat me just to give you some burnt bread?" She shrugs, focusing on the wall. Her hands wander across it, fingertips touching the wall slightly. It looks like she is counting the white-grey panels on the wall. Maybe she really is mad. "Apparently I loved you. But what about you?"

"Peeta, that's... it's not relevant."

"Oh it's perfectly relevant. These are my memories. It isn't my fault if the Capitol thought it was worth torturing me to get to you."

"I know... It isn't fair on you, I..."

"No, it isn't, is it. So the least you could do is answer my question."

"Fine... I... I did. I loved you. I still do," her eyes finally lock with mine. Her hand falls to her side. "I hate that they hurt you. I hate even more that they did it to get to me. I hate the goddamned Capitol, I hate Gale and I hate myself. And I don't think I'm the only one that hates myself. You do too. And that isn't your fault do I don't know why I'm mad at you."

"Me neither," I shoot back. "It's your fault I hate you. You're the Capitol mutt. You're the reason 12 burned down, YOU'RE THE REASON MY FAMILY'S DEAD. YOU'RE JUST A MUTT, A CAPITOL MUTT, WITH NO EMPATHY AND NO WAY OF CARING OF OTHER PEOPLE. And you can't say that I'M the one with no empathy, because YOU wanted to go in the Games, so you could come out victorious. YOU are the one who went and killed animals every day. I, however, have been STUCK HERE, not allowed to do anything BECAUSE OF YOU. And I have been taking care of someone else's child. And I feel so sorry that the parents can't take care of her, because they are being deprived of that, and I feel bad for her because her parents can't take care of her. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I had parents and you didn't, so YOU don't know how that feels. And I NEVER can again because YOU KILLED THEM. You're just a stupid, stinking, unstable mutt."

That's when she finally leaves.

I'm surprised she stayed that long.

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV

My arms are wrapped around myself. They sting a little. I don't want to get up. I don't want to move. I don't want to be anymore.

Maybe I am a mutt.

I don't know. I just know that my family should be safe if I am to die.

◇◇◇

I am shaken when Willow starts crying. I instantly have to get up.

"What is it?" I say, pulling her up to my chest. "Are you hungry?" I sniff the air. "No, nothing out the other end either. Why do you cry Willow? You want to see Daddy?"

"More like she wants to see you," says a voice from the door way. Haymitch. "You're almost always leaving her with Peeta. She needs to bond with you as well- you're her mother, Katniss. And Peeta's been asking more and more questions about her. He's going to have to know soon."

"He can't," I reply desperately. "He'll kill her. He hates me, you heard what he said this morning."

"We can't lie to him either."

"No, we can't, which is what makes it so much harder. I've thought this over a thousand times, we can't tell him. It breaks me a little more inside each and every time I lie to him, but we have to. Please."

Haymitch sighs, sits and covers his face with his hand. "Look, I know. But we have to. That was always the plan. It was decided it would be good to get him to bond to something connected to you so he wouldn't flip out as much when we told him it was connected to you. We have to tell him."

"NO!" I yell. I set off Willow crying again. "No, I'm sorry. Please calm down Willow. Please." I turn back to Haymitch who is staring up at me with a look of concern. "I can't do this. I can't be a mother. I can't I'm sorry." He comes up and hugs me. This is unusual, but recently Haymitch has become a sort of stand in Father as well as a friend. "Tell Peeta I'm sorry."

"I will."

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV

Haymitch walks in and sits down.

"Hey Peeta."

"Why did I ask for the Mutt to come here?" I say.

He gives an exasperated sigh. "Peeta, she's not a mutt. She's a person. You loved her, she loves you and she isn't going to be able to let you go that easily."

"Maybe I did love her, but I don't now. So, for her to just watch me, that's just creepy! And perverted! And back when I apparently did love her, that was 2 years ago."

Haymitch's eyes lock with mine. "That wasn't two years ago. Back a few weeks ago, before the venom completely took over, you loved her. And I'm sorry to say this if it hurts you, but you even wanted to get married again, properly. Peeta, you love her. Not loved- love. Because you still do. In all the things you do. She is there. And that isn't going to magically get rid of your confusion, just as the Hijacking can't magically get rid of your love."

"You can't say that! I don't love her. She's a mutt. And why would I want to marry her? What proof do you have that we asked?"

"We have documentations of Marriage requests here, apparently, which rather helps this situation." He fishes into his pocket and brings out a slightly crumpled piece of paper. "Here."

I take it into my hands. It reads:

Names of Citizens: Mellark, Peeta; Everdeen, Katniss

Request: Marital status

DENIED

Reason For Denial: Underage

"What..."

"I know it's a lot to take in, but please at least think about it," Haymitch says.

I find myself staring at it for an unreasonable amount of time. "What did you want?" I ask. "You visited me, there must be something."

"I think it would be too much for you right now," he answers, smiling.

"No, I want to know."

"Fine, we, uh... Willow."

"What about Willow? Is she okay? Are the parents okay?"

"Well, she is fine. But remember how she is part of your therapy?"

"Oh," I breathe. "You don't want me to get too attached. Because she isn't mine."

"No, not really, ah, well- and you have to be calm."

This is not a good sign if he's asking me to be calm.

"She isn't just the daughter of some random people from 13, she's... well she's yours... and Katniss's."

All together, it's like pieces of a puzzle can finally be joined up. Why Katniss has been like this toward me. Why Willow was introduced to me. Why Haymitch is determined to chnge my view of Katniss. Why she was vomiting in our second Games. 

And most importantly, about that night.

And I think I feel something in my chest again. And it isn't the desire to kill. It's the desire to love.


	43. District 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to hell for this, and you guys are coming with me

Chapter 11

Peeta's POV

I admit, after Haymitch told me about Willow, I snapped a bit.

A lot.

I don't sleep that night. Instead, I spend it staring at the piece of paper that has my signature on it. Why would I sign that?

Why would I sign it if I didn't love her?

I want to love someone. I want Willow to be mine. And I do, and she is. But neither of them are quite right. Why with Katniss? I do remember that in 12 I never really talked to her before the games. She was just this random person I knew. Sometimes I saw around school. I wasn't special to her, but I have a lot of memories where I just find myself staring at her. I vaguely remember her picking up a dandelion.

In the morning, I ask to see her again, but she is apparently filming some stupid Propo or something.

I am given Willow to take care of, though. It feels different knowing who the parents are. She doesn't have dark hair; she has Katniss's dark hair. Katniss's olive skin. My blue eyes. She is a mix of me and Katniss- and she is beautiful.

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV

Thee hovercraft ride feels like the longest one ever. Longer than either trip to the games. Longer than the one from the games to 13. Longer than the one to 12.

It isn't the actual journey that makes it wrong, I don't think. It's what Peeta said. And what he might say if Haymitch or Plutarch has told him the truth about Willow. For once I wish Haymitch would actually talk to me through the goddamned earpiece.

Since it has been a month since the "Accident", Gale has been allowed back in the group. They aren't even keeping an eye on him- he's off the hook now. Despite nearly killing Peeta and speeding up the Hijacking.

He doesn't talk to me on the hovercraft at least, but I can feel his eyes resting on me. It makes me uncomfortable. 

When we finally land, the first thing we see is the large warehouses. We are in eight, Plutarch said.

Cressida and Messalla lead on to the building. Inside, some person from Eight greets us. She talks but I don't listen to what she's saying. It doesn't seem important to me.

Boggs holds the door open, allowing me to walk through it, which I do.

The sight infront of me is not what I expected; I had thought maybe it would be workers, some rebel recruits to meet with. But no- what I see is rows and rows of beds. All full of people. Everything seems to be covered in mould and fungus and a layer of old blood. It smells of rot and stale and something that makes me want to puke. Sounds of crying, goodbyes and lost hope echo around my head. There is a bad taste in my mouth- metallic like blood, a little vomit-like. Maybe I am going to puke. 

Someone notices me though. A young boy. He tugs at a lady's dress- she looks like his Mom or sister maybe. When she sees me, she instantly says "Katniss?"

This makes everyone's head turn. Instead of crying, you can hear a couple whispers of "It's Katniss Everdeen", but the room is quickly turned to silence. "Katniss," one girl says. She looks about 12. She probably would've been in the reaping for the last games if it hadn't been the quell. "Are you here to help us?"

I nod. "Yes, I'm here to help... If I can."

Someone takes my hand. An elderly man. With his right hand, he makes the three-fingered salute. Just about everyone copies him- even the camera crew. 

A fifteen year old looking girl comes up to me. "What happened to the baby?" She asks.

I try to give a small smile. "I... I lost him. The doctors couldn't... um, they couldn't save him." That's all I'm supposed to say, but I trust this girl. Someone should know. "But there was another. Willow. She's safe. Thank you." She smiles back at me. I's nice to think some person I don't even know has faith in me. More faith than I have.

She sees the scars on my arm, too I think. "It'll be okay," she says. "Stay strong, don't hurt yourself again."

I talk to many people, answering their questions. Nobody told me to do this, but the crew follow me around.

When I have worked my way around, I think someone noticed I was getting a little emotional and so Mitchell leads me out. He's kind of funny and nice so I don't object to being stuck outside with him. He attempts at a joke, which I try and laugh to. Eventually Gale comes out. Mitchell stands and walks off to talk to him, but Gale must have some reason to be here because Mitchell leaves and Gale sits next to me. "It's disgusting, how he leaves so many people injured. The sooner we kill Snow the better." I don't respond. It is disgusting, and I want to kill Snow, but Gale doesn't understand how bad it is.

It isn't just the Capitol being the Capitol- this is worse. It's bad enough that so many people are injured, but they aren't even sending anyone to help them. They are all just being kept in this inhumane building, treated not even as well as livestock. They are just left to die.

"It's horrible," I say.

He looks at me. "We, uh, haven't talked in a while... do you think we could give another shot at being friends?"

"People are dying and that's what you're worried about?"

"No, but they don't exactly have long-"

I leave.

The camera crew are all waiting back at the hovercraft. They must have already got some stuff. We board and leave, having spread what little hope we can.

On the craft Gale apologises, and eventually I forgive him. I've been thinking of Peeta so much that I wasn't focusing on this sort of thing either.

◇◇◇

Almost as soon as we are back, Coin calls a meeting. There is a little fuss, but she gets to the point.

"Unfortunately, the hospital you visited earlier was bombed by the Capitol."

◇◇◇

After the speech, multiple people notice how shaken I am.

Haymitch is just about to talk to me when Gale leads me out of the room. "Hey, come to my compartment. People will just harass you at yours." I nod.

When we get to Gale's, he makes me a drink and I sit down on his bed, because it's the only seat in the room. He comes over with his own drink.

"Look, I'm sorry for the way I acted," he says. "I shouldn't have done that, I know you're in love with Peeta. I just didn't want him to hurt you."

"Peeta wouldn't hurt me," I respond.

"He won't now," Gale says, "And I won't let anyone hurt you."

And then his lips go to mine. I am so startled, I drop my drink. Although, I didn't have the best grip on it with my shaking hands anyway. I try to push away, but Gale doesn't let me. His hands slide to my back and then to my hips. I gasp and try to pull him off me, but he just pushes me down harder. He pushes me down on the bed, and I now fight to get him off me, but I'm too small and weak to stop him. His hands slide where I don't want them to, even when I claw at him, try to yell at him to stop. But he just keeps kissing me, and I find it harder to breathe with his lips pressed to mine. Nothing stops him. Not from kissing me, from pushing me down, from unbuttoning my top.

And I'm too scared to yell. I try, but nothing happens.  
◇◇◇


	44. Coincidence

Chapter 12

Katniss's POV

It takes a long time before I finally escape.

The memory of his voice shakes me. "Don't tell anyone. You chose him. It's your fault."

It shakes me. I want to escape.

I get back to my compartment and shower. I ignore the knocks at the door.

I must be in there for an hour- scrubbing and scrubbing, trying to get that feeling off me. I feels like a massive layer of dirt and grime, and I can't get rid of it. The water eventually shuts off, leaving me with no way of trying to get rid of it. It's like his hands and all the rest of him lingers on my skin. I just want to forget it.

I dry off and put a new uniform on. I throw the old one in the bin, along with almost everything else I was wearing, except Peeta's locket. Looking at it, I now don't immediately think of Peeta comforting me, but instead of Gale. "I still don't understand why you like that stupid mutt. I'm the one who's always been there for you. Like I'm here for you now." But I don't want him there. I want everything to do with Gale erased from the earth.

I just break down. Tears flood from my eyes and I let out an animal sort of noise.

I hear another knock at the door. "Katniss, it's Haymitch." He pounds on it again. "Please let me in."

I shake my head. Maybe if I'm silent he'll go away.

"I know you're in there Katniss. It isn't going to look good if I break this door down."

"No," I say. "I'm not letting you in." I don't want to see anyone right now.

"Well then," he responds, and then again with a loud thump. And another.

"HAYMITCH I'M NOT LETTING YOU IN." Why does my voice only let me yell now? Not before when...

"YES YOU ARE. Things are most definitely not right," thump, "And I can't let that happen. Because Peeta can't do this, I'm going to." 

That reminds me of Gale as well. "Your boyfriend Peeta can't do this. I can. You see? You love me, not that mutt."

"Haymitch I'm sorry I can't let you in," I say amongst tears running down my face. "I don't think I can."

"Please, Katniss, I want to help."

"That's what he said," I respond quietly. And everything else goes silent as well.

Haymitch sighs. "I'm not Gale. I will go away if I have to but I can't let him get to you like this. What did he say to you?"

I finally open the door. Haymitch goes to hug me, but I back away so his arms grasp only air and fall back to his sides.

"It's not just what he said," I whimper.

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV

They show me the Propo that they have filmed. It shows Katniss is district 12. Part of it is just clips of ash and rubble with singing over the top. "Are You, Are You, Coming To The Tree..."

"There it was," you hear her saying. Her voice sounds old and strained. It cuts to shots of her standing infront of a lump of rock. "Peeta's family's house." The bakery. "They died. Because of the Capitol. They didn't even have Peeta or me tell them I was pregnant. They just learnt it from the interviews. And the baby is gone now anyway. It's unlikely there will be another."

I watch the rest of the propo, but it's uninteresting to me. That one line sticks in my head.

"Why did she say that?" I ask when it ends. "Willow is alive."

"Well, yes," the doctor says, "but she was told to pretend it was a miscarriage for the Capitol. So they wouldn't be able to target Willow."

"I don't remember her being that good at acting."

"No, there was also another."

This throws me. "What? What do you mean another?"

"Willow was a twin. There was also a boy. He was a stillborn. His death... it sort of tore anther hole in her. I was the one who was checking the children over," she says. "You were okay then. I believe you were there with her. You ran in despite being told you weren't allowed in and she asked for you to stay, so we let you both be together in that moment."

"Huh," I say, "I must have loved her."

"Oh, Mr. Mellark, I believe you still do. I just don't think you can find your way out of the Capitol's mist well enough to see it yet. The mist will clear soon enough." Why does she have to speak in metaphors? This isn't some story written by a desperate 13 year old who wants a good grade.

"Did the boy really die?" I ask. "What was his name?"

"Yes, he did die. It's quite the Capitol tragedy. Like they gave her something that meant the baby would die, but they didn't know there were two. And he was unnamed."

It really is like a Capitol tragedy. Like something they would plan. It's too real to be a coincidence.


	45. Hospital Rooms

Chapter 13

Haymitch's POV

I have to calm her down several times as she tries to tell me what happened. It's fair enough, what he did must be so traumatising to anyone, never mind Katniss.

"Look, we have to report this," I tell her.

"No, I... they won't believe me." She shakes a lot.

"Katniss, we have to say something. There's laws against that kind of thing."

"Yeah, but I was the one who followed him there."

I sigh. "You didn't know that's what was going to happen. It's not your fault."

"It is!" She yells. "I never wanted to trust him, but I did! Why? What did I get from that?"

"No it isn't. I promise. We have to tell someone."

She shakes her head. Tears run from her already bloodshot eyes. I never really liked Gale, but I didn't think he could do something this devastating.

"I'm going to. And you can come if you want, but if you are uncomfortable doing so, you can stay here. Do you want to stay?" She nods. "Okay."

◇◇◇

"Plutarch!" I yell after him. I swear he's either half deaf or just hates me. Probably the latter. After calling several times he finally turns.

"Haymitch, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

"If I was to report an assault, where and who would I go to?" I ask.

He shrugs, "Anyone really. Me, for instance. Anyone in a position of some kind of power." Great. I'm not reporting this to Plutarch. "Why?"

"Uh," I scratch the back of my neck, "doesn't matter. Thanks."

"Okay then," he replies walking off. Now all I have to do is find someone in a position of authority. That isn't biased against Katniss.

I walk around and eventually decide Boggs or the hospital would be 2 good places to go; though the hospital probably can't do much, I go there first.

A doctor sees me wandering around aimlessly and asks what the problem is. I try to divert her off to the side and say quietly, "Is there anywhere around here where I would be able to report sexual assault?"

Her eyes widen. "Follow me, sir." And I do. I follow her to a bright white room, which is like a massive booth. There is a long seat on each wall, and a table that runs in between them. There are multiple doors to the room, some very well kept plants. It seems like the most vibrant part of thirteen. The doctor asks me to stay where I am as she gets the appropriate people. It seems surprising that the hospital is the place best suited to dealing with this sort of issue. Maybe 13's government is so corrupt that they can't have any kind of police force of authority that could deal with this.

She comes back with another doctor, someone who looks like some kind of lawyer, and someone who I can't quite tell what they do. For some reason, the first thing that springs into my head is "Be careful, I'm a lAwYeR." I don't know if that is an important thing or just something some person said once as some kind of weird joke, but I'm sure I will be careful.

"So, Mr. Abernathy, is it? Please note everything you say will go on record- this is a serious matter. Please tell us what you know."

◇◇◇

Once I have told them and they have run through some procedures, they ask if I know where Katniss is so they can get the full story and so they can stop her from being in any more danger.

I show them to her compartment, but the door is open. "Katniss?" I yell. We go in, but she isn't in there. "Oh God."

◇◇◇

"Katniss?" I shout down the halls of 13. "Katniss, we're here to help! Where are you?"

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV

My arms curl into my legs. I rock back and forth. Tears streak down my face. I focus on anything I can in the darkness of the room. Some shapes. Outlines of cupboards. Anything I can see in the storage room.

I stay silent as Haymitch walks past, yelling my name desperately. I don't want to talk about this. I don't. I don't want to remember it.

When I am satisfied he is far enough away, I go out. I walk. I don't know where. Wherever I feel truly safe.

I find myself descending some stairs. Walking through the hall of important rooms. Entering the hospital. In the psychiatric ward. Being let into the Private rooms. Hearing silence, begging, screams. 

I think I talk to a doctor. Am let into a room. When inside I know where it is I truly do feel safe.

◇◇◇

"Katniss?" his voice is confused. I am confused. Why am I here? 

"Katniss? Are you okay?" I stare in shock at him. He looks different to when I last saw him. His blond curls are more well-kept. His blue eyes are always bright, but for a second they look like a mist has cleared, and not obscuring their view. His voice sounds almost like the boy with the bread. Strong and sure. He looks concerned for me again. And he is holding Willow. Close to him, like she is the most precious thing in the world- she is.

I realised I haven't answered. "Yeah, I'm... I'm fine."

"You're crying," Peeta says. How very observant- I didn't notice that, and I'm the one crying.

I wipe my cheek and laugh, "Yeah, I am aren't I? Well I'm okay. I uh- I came to see you."

"Oh, okay," he replies, clearly sceptical. "What about?"

I rack my brain for any ideas. All that comes out is "To ask how you were."

A crease forms between his brows. "You could ask a doctor if you wanted to know how I was. Or Haymitch."

"But you know how you're feeling best, don't you?"

"Well, I suppose so, but why didn't you ask Haymitch?"

I stumble on my words. "I... uh, I... I've been trying to... um... to stay clear of Haymitch right now."

As I am saying this I see he looks vaguely concerned again. "Why?"

"He... uh, he wants me to talk to someone about a thing that happened yesterday, it's nothing really."

"If you're sure." There is silence for a minute. When the silence is broken, it's Peeta, and what he says makes my heart drop. "I know about Willow. How she's ours. And we were going to be married."

There is something in my throat. It's annoying, stopping me from forming words. I wish it would go away, like so many other things need to go away. I try to push past it, but it really blocks up my throat so much that anything I try to say turns into a strained croak, like an old, dry frog.

"It's okay," he says, but his head is angled down so it seems like he is talking to Willow. "I don't blame you. It takes two people to make a baby, right? And I was one of them. I don't think I would have done that with no reason. And that's not the only thing, there's other things... memories. I remember looking at you in school, a lot. Looking away when you caught my stare. Something about a dandelion." He looks up at me. "And of course, the bread."

"Yeah," I manage to say. "I remember that too."

"I must have loved you. Proper loved you."

"I think... you did."

"And you still do. You said."

I can't find a reply for this, but it turns out I don't need to, because Haymitch comes into the room, relieved to find me. He takes me to these people who can Help. But I don't want their help. I don't want to talk about what happened with Gale. I want to stay and talk to Peeta. 

Because I think he's getting better.

Maybe he will be the same Peeta again. Changed, of course, but not a Capitol's creation, confused and full of hate. Peeta. My friend. More than friend. 

But still, my best friend. The one person I can talk to about anything. Which is why I don't want to talk about Gale. Because I can't tell Peeta. And if I can't tell him, how can I tell some people I don't even know, relive the pain, without Peeta to comfort me?


	46. Trust

◇◇◇

Chapter 14

Katniss's POV

"Miss Everdeen? We will need to ask you some questions, if that's okay."

I nod. 

I don't want to answer their questions. But I guess I'm going to have to. 

I miss the first question. My mind keeps wondering to what Peeta said. 

I don't blame you... I must have loved you.

He is coming back. Slowly, maybe, but he's coming back. Good. I've missed my friend.

"Katniss?" One of them says, snapping me back to reality. "You will need to listen to the questions."

I nod again, "Okay. Yeah, I... yeah."

"So can you tell us exactly what he did?"

◇◇◇

Having to recount the events of yesterday just sets me off crying again. I feel so stupid, so vulnerable. And I still can't shake the feeling of his hands, the feeling of being dirty. But I scrubbed my arms red and raw in the shower, so I don't know what it is that makes me feel like that.

When they have finished with the questions, they say I can go and they will report it and try to get a case against Gale. Haymitch tells me to go rest since I've had no sleep.

So for once, I do. I lock my door. I lay on my bed in my compartment. I stare at the grey walls until sleep takes a hold of me.

◇◇◇

I finally wake. The room is strangely dark. Maybe there was a power cut. No point leaving here then.

That's when I see and hear the door rattling. Someone is trying to get in. There is also a strange ringing in my ears. I try to move, to get up to escape; but I can't. I feel like I'm stuck down on my bed. Maybe I'm dead. Is this what it's like to be dead? My eyes can move though. I can close them. But I almost don't want to.

The lock breaks on the door. I start to feel a weight on my chest. It gets heavier and heavier, making it harder and harder to breathe. A shadow slowly pushes the door open. It is tall and expressionless.

Adrenaline rapidly begins to flow through my veins and I am in a state of complete panic. I try to move, to scream, but I can't.

The shadow stands over me, staring. I want to fight, or to scream. 

For a few minutes I can feel the thing watching me, the pressure on my chest not leaving.

Finally, it fades away. The ringing is gone, so is the shadow and the thing stopping me breathe. When I open my eyes the door is still locked. I can move again.

I stare down at myself. Am I really just going insane?

◇◇◇

The thing that happened when I woke up isn't the only thing that bothers me. There's another thing, nagging at the back of my head.

When Gale did what he did... what impact did it have on me? Not just the feeling of never being clean, or the self loathing (though that was there already), but what it actually did.

Will I carry another child? Gale's child?

I don't want his child. I never wanted a child in the first place, but I can't get rid of Willow. I would never give her up. And I'm still only 17. I can't even properly take care of Willow, no matter how much I love her. So I wouldn't have time either to care for another child, and I don't want to love something that is Gale's. There would be only one thing I could do if I was pregnant with Gale's child. And I don't altogether want to do it now Peeta's coming back, but I would see it as the only option. Nothing in my life can take Gale's child, so if I have it I will have to take my life.

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV

Katniss doesn't come back. Nobody asks for Willow back. They just leave her with me, even when she smells. I change her, take care of her. She is with me for the rest of the day and all the night. I don't mind when she wakes me up, but I am a little worried when the next day comes and still nobody asks for Willow.

The day goes by, still nothing. Not even any doctors to ask.

Finally, Haymitch comes to visit me. He also looks confused when he sees I still have Willow. He gives me a look that seems to be asking why she is still here, and I shrug in answer.

"What's going on?" I ask.

"Too much," Haymitch responds. "But most importantly for you, they are thinking of releasing you soon. You will have your own compartment again, unfortunately you will have to use the normal timetable, but there will still be doctors visiting you to check on yur mental health and other things."

"Wow. This... it's a lot." It is. I've not been allowed to do anything and now... I'm allowed to live like normal? Not exactly free, but still pretty close. As close as I can get.

"I know."

Silence. I break it. "Is Katniss okay?"

His hand covers and pulls down on his face as he makes an exasperated sigh. "Why? What did she say?"

"Nothing," I reply. "That's why I'm asking. She came in and she was crying, but she kept saying she was fine. I didn't want to ask. I think I may have startled her a little."

"Oh... well to answer your previous question... she's not okay. But I don't think she wants to tell anyone what has happened."

"What did happen?" I ask.

He stares at me blankly. "Unfortunately, no matter what has happened to you, you do not have the right to know that unless Katniss herself tells you. It is a very personal matter, and though you matter very much to her, I think it would be especially uncomfortable for her to tell you."

"Oh," I say.

"But," he says, "I can say I'm very surprised you still have Willow. Nobody has taken her at any point?" I shake my head. "Okay. I'm gonna have to talk to some people..." Haymitch gets up and starts to walk toward the door.

"Wait," I burst out, stopping him in his tracks. "I know you can't tell me what's going on and I'm probably not the person she would want to be helping her right now... but tell me- is she safe?"

I am greeted with another blank stare. "I'm trying my best to make sure she is."

Maybe I don't exactly care for Katniss like I apparently used to, but the thought she could be in danger makes my heart drop.

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV

At some point I decided I wanted to talk to someone. Finnick, Annie, maybe Johanna.

Annie's compartment has been emptied.

So has Finnick's.

Johanna is my last option then.

I think I remember where hers is, and somehow I find it. I just pray that it does belong to her. I knock on her door, and wait for an answer. Eventually someone opens it. She is not Johanna.

Actually, she is the Nurse I promised myself I would remember. Hazel, I think her name was. Hazel Logan.

"Hi," she says.

I realise I'm just standing there, so I reply, "Hi, I, uh... sorry for disturbing you I was looking for someone..."

"Johanna?" She asks. I nod. "Jo, there's someone for you."

I can hear Johanna from inside. "What bitchy psychiatrist this time? Or let me guess, Haymitch? Could people just stop interfering in my life!" She stops when she swings the door open to me. "Oh... well this is fun. Why are you here? Checking in on your best buddy?" I smile, but I think she gets that I'm not in the mood. This is impressive for Johanna.

"I don't know exactly... I guess I just want to talk to someone who knows."

"Oh."

We talk. I don't really process it, but it's a comfort that someone listens to me. Someone knows. I learn that Hazel and Johanna are dating, but they can't tell anyone because that's frowned upon. It makes me kind of sad- they love each other, so what's the problem?

I decide to tell Johanna about Gale.

"I'm gonna rip of that guy's ugly head," she says.

Maybe we haven't been the closest, but Johanna is someone I trust. And I think maybe she trusts me.


	47. Unstable

Note to self: 30th Jan

Willow's Birthday: 12th December  
◇◇◇

Chapter 15

Peeta's POV

It feels weird being given a key to my own compartment. I know I have had one before but this time it feels especially strange. And it's only a couple days after Haymitch told me.

I guess I'm feeling a little more stable, since someone finally came to take Willow back.

I learn somewhere how to use the timetable. It is printed on your arm in bright purple ink. The colour reminds me of Caesar Flickerman.

I go to lunch. I don't see Katniss anywhere, which is weird; she's probably trying to avoid me. That's fair enough. I don't really mind not seeing her. It's not exactly important.

I do see her family- her mother, apparently named Clara, and Prim. She looks too innocent. How did the Capitol ever make me think they were Mutts? Finnick is there with Annie, something I can't disturb. Johanna sits with a woman I vaguely recognise for some reason, but there seems to be something unspoken going on, so it's probably best not to sit there either. Haymitch is nowhere, but I also see Gale. I know he's the one that induced the more powerful Hijacking, but I guess he didn't know.

I don't think I could face Ms. Everdeen and Prim yet, so I sit next to Gale. I don't exactly remember what happened, but I'm sure he didn't really mean to do this. He usually seems like he's quite a nice guy, if a little over the top when it comes to overthrowing the Capitol- but at this point, who wouldn't be? When I sit he gives me a strange look I can't decipher.

"Oh look, it's the Mutt," He says.

"What?" I reply.

"You know, I've just had enough of you. What did I even do wrong?"

"I don't understand," I say, shaking my head. I instantly know it was a mistake sitting here.

He stares at me like I'm an idiot. "She's obsessed with you, but you don't even care about her. What did you even do? Just drag her down?"

I sigh. "Gale, look, I just came here to say things were settled between us. And I'm not in charge of Katniss's heart. I don't know why she likes me, okay? I don't understand half the things in my life. I don't even know yet if I love her."

"Oh, don't worry. I know you won't want her. Not after what happened with me and her."

"What," I am taken aback. And confused "You just said she didn't care about you... I... what?"

"Maybe, maybe not... but she's not just yours anymore. I have power over her too now."

"Gale, what in the name of..."

He gives me a sly smirk. "You aren't the only one who has seen her that way. I bet she will come running to me- after all, what are you compared to me?"

And finally it hits me right in the face. What Gale did. How could I be so stupid? It was right in front of my face.

I don't notice Gale getting up from the table, but when I turn he is gone. 

Finnick comes up to me as he is leaving. "Peeta, it's good to see you. You okay now?"

I nod. "Yeah, thanks Finnick."

He seems a little nervous, but I don't really take much notice. I'm too busy thinking how I am going to get Gale back. "I need to tell you something," He says. "Me and Annie... we're getting married."

Again, I'm shocked. A lot of stuff has happened whilst I was in that Hospital room. "That's great, Finnick," I say. I'm happy for them.

We make small talk before he leaves too, with his arm around Annie's shoulder. I want something like that. But I'm not going to get that- I've messed that up already with the Games and Katniss. Who else would want me after that? People would only be able to picture me with Katniss because that's all they see when they look at me- the boy who loved Katniss Everdeen, was the father to her child, was tortured trying to save her. They just see her, us together; the two star-crossed lovers for whom the odds were never in the favour of. 

Nobody will ever shake the connection between me and the girl on fire. 

For this there is a part of me that wants to hate her for taking away my individuality, even though I'm the one who said I loved her.

But there's still another part that wants that. Craves it. I want to have that with someone. Maybe I can teach myself to have it again?

But first I need to get Gale away, if anything for my child, but maybe also because I have known Katniss for a long time and what Gale did is wrong.

The next day I am called into Command. Coin is there. And Plutarch. And Haymitch.

And actually quite a lot of people I can't name.

They brief me on how I am now considered stable enough to get sent with the troops to the Capitol. 

Apparently the Propo things they have been filming haven't worked, so they have decided to go straight in on the Capitol. And I have been chosen to go on the team.

◇◇◇

The list of the people on our team are:

Finnick Cressida

Boggs Peeta

Johanna Katniss

Mitchell Mesalla

Cressida Pollux

Leeg 1 Leeg 2 

Gale Enobaria

I don't recognise all the names, and there's a few more I also don't recognise.

But Gale is on there. And Katniss.

Half of me thinks this is a really bad idea- it could give Gale a chance to hurt her again.

Another part of me is glad. I get a chance to get back at him.

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV

I go to the hospital when the time on my arm says.

I am shaking the whole way.

I am called into a private room, where a doctor waits. She is quiet. Contrasting with my anxiety, which is extremely loud. I am so sure the tests they are about to take are going to come back positive.

◇◇◇

Negative.

They came back negative.

I feel really light. Like whenever I took the pack off my shoulders in the first games.

And a weight I thought I could feel in my abdomen is gone, even though it was never really there. Pathways in my mind unknot and flatten out, easier for me to follow.

Gale may have hurt my mentality, but I don't have to carry another baby around for nine months or have the heartache of getting rid of it. I could've got rid of it, it wouldn't have mattered, but I don't think I would've wanted all the people saying I was a murderer when all I would've done would have been removing a small cluster of cells from my body that I didn't need.

But I don't need to think about that now.

I'm free.

◇◇◇

Haymitch's POV

I hug her when she tells me. "I have some good new for you too," he says. "Peeta is living on his own, back in a compartment."

"Really?" She says. The widened eyes express nervousness, but there is something that catches in her voice when she says it that makes me absolutely certain she is happy. More than happy. Maybe for the first time in over a month.

"Yeah," I say. "Okay now the bad news... you are going to have to leave Willow here with your Mom because they want you fighting with the Capitol." I hand her a slip of paper with the names on, and I can physically see the subtle changes that mean her heart has dropped a thousand feet. She looks a little sick.

"I can't..." she starts.

"Boggs will be there to protect you, and the rest of the team. And of course, you will have Peeta."

It takes a while, but I finally convince her it will be okay. She's more convinced than I am at this point.


	48. Any Less True

Chapter 16  
Note to self: 2nd february

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV

The next day I am put in my 13 Soldier Uniform, but my Mockingjay pin is there to signal it is me.

Most soldiers are having their hair cut close to their heads, but apparently the Mockingjay's hair is too precious. It's annoying sometimes. Before I could do stupid stuff, now I'm just classed as the unhinged face of the revolution; someone needed to be kept pretty and safe and in the dark of all important plans. It's surprising that I get to go to the Capitol- I guess Coin has given up all hope on me now.

I kiss Willow goodbye, so does Peeta. We don't really talk, it isn't important at the moment, whatever we could have to say. He holds her before I give her over to my Mom. "Keep her safe," I say. "If I die, don't zone out again. Please. Prim may be very capable now but she won't be able to cope completely on her own. And Willow needs to be safe." I pull a small list out of my pocket. "If you can, If I die... give whoever is in charge of what happens to Willow this."

People to take care of Willow:

Peeta Mellark

Clara & Primrose Everdeen

Johanna Mason

Finnick O'dair

Annie Cresta

Hazel Logan

People who Willow cannot go to:

Gale Hawthorne

She looks at the list and nods, though she seems a little confused with the last bit. I guess she deserves an explanation. "Mom, I need to tell you something. Can we sit down?"

She leads me inside her compartment.

"Mom, I know Gale has always supported us... but I don't think I'd want him to anymore. He... he's the one who hit Peeta and induced the intensive Hijacking."

"Oh my god," she says. "Why would he do something like that? He's always seemed so nice, and what would Peeta do to him?"

"Mom, I... please calm, it's... uh..." I take a deep breath and stare at a small spot on the grey ceiling to try and stop the tears flooding down. "I tried to trust him after that but... I thought he was being nice, he said to go to his compartment after District 8 because they'd harass me at mine... and he was right but still..." Breathe. "He pushed me down, started kissing me and..." My nails are scratching at my already raw skin, trying to get that feeling away. The feeling of his hands. It's good skin cells shed, then maybe one day I will have a body that he never touched. But the imprint on my mind will still be there.

"Wait, did he..." My Mom trails off, but I nod, knowing what she was going to say. "Sweetie, I'm so sorry."

And I feel the warm of her arms, knowing it's safe to cry now. "I'm okay though... Haymitch took me to report it and I'm not pregnant or anything."

She kisses the top of my head. "I'm so sorry..."

◇◇◇

We board the hovercraft. I manage to get away from Gale; A seat that is out of his line of sight and so he can't hear me.

Someone sits next to me. I turn, expecting to see Boggs or Finnick, but the person sitting next to me is neither of them; he is a person I know by even the way he sits down- carefully, trying to position his leg. His blue eyes are a comfort that I have wanted for so long. 

I don't want to startle him, set off the venom, so I just say, "How's living somewhere other than the hospital?"

"Good," he says after a minute. "I have to stick to the timetable though, which isn't great," he laughs, but he's still looking at the floor. "I didn't see you in the cafeteria the last couple of days. I mean, I can't blame you if you're trying to avoid me, but you could've sat somewhere else. Don't stop some stupid mutt like me from eating."

"Peeta," I say, grasping his eye contact, "you aren't a mutt."

"I am, though. My memories are just made by the Capitol, and if I don't have true memories, then how would I have my own morals? And if I don't have my own morals, then my actions aren't mine either-"

"No," I cut him off. "You aren't a mutt. And it's okay, I don't exactly eat much either."

"Why not?"

I shrug. "I guess I just don't get hungry."

"Yeah, but you need food. You need to eat, to stay alive."

"Maybe I don't care if I stay alive."

"But other people do." I hold his stare. What does he mean? Who? "Your mother, Prim, Haymitch... Me. You seem to be the only person convinced I'm not a mutt."

"Well you're not. And you forgot Gale," I say, pretending like nothing happened with Gale. This is instantly a bad move because Gale also hurt Peeta, so now he's going to know something is up.

"I don't think you would want me to add him to the list. I talked to him in the cafeteria the other day and... he said he did some stuff... I think I know what he was getting at. Did he... rape you?" Peeta asks quietly, softly. He is treading carefully. He knows that past trauma is a dangerus territory with me. It's weird to hear the softness in his voice again, and I'm flung back to those nights on the train, when he asked me about my night terrors. And the thought of that Peeta is what lets me confess to him.

"Yeah, he... he did." My voice is low and quiet. "What did he say to you?"

"That you didn't just belong to me... he had power over you too... That you should love him and not me... That I was a mutt... That I wouldn't ever want you again after what he did." I let my hair cover my eyes so I don't have to see his facial expressions. "That last one couldn't be less true. I still want you... I think. My head's a mess. We both know that. But the one thing that keeps tugging at my thoughts is that I want to be with you somehow. So, even though I may be pretty messed up... you think we could take a shot at maybe being friends again?"

I hug him. It takes a second but I feel his arms wrap around me too. "I missed you."

"I missed you too." 

Peeta. My best friend.


	49. Stars

Note to self: 3rd Feb

◇◇◇

Chapter 17

Katniss's POV

I am shaken awake by the impact onto a forest floor. The hovercraft has stopped. It would've had to stop at some point because the Capitol has forces that could notice us.

Peeta holds my hand so I don't fall over whilst I am getting off. It's more than I could hope for to get my friend back. I missed him. "I'm not going to let Gale hurt you again," he says. His voice is kind, not harsh and cold like Gale's. Gale promised me the same thing about Peeta- but Peeta is the one who would never hurt me. Gale is ruthless and cold, but also an angry fire. Peeta is none of those.

I am armed with a gun I barely know how to use, and a bow. 

The team tells us we may not always be fighting properly as we need to be there for the cameras too. I don't know if I want to do either- I don't feel ready to present myself infront of Panem, and I don't feel ready to kill Snow. I'm still too unsteady, even with Peeta here.

They explain to us about these things called pods. Finnick turns to me and Peeta and says, "Happy 76th Hunger Games."

"And may the odds be ever in your favour," I automatically finish. It makes me sick to my stomach. Another Games. Maybe not official, but definitely aired for all of Panem and with a lot more than 23 deaths.

I feel Peeta squeezing my hand to reassure me. He won't hug me yet, but that's fair enough. He probably doesn't understand his memories of me. I don't think I'd be ready for that either yet. Not after what Gale did. I don't think I'm ready.

◇◇◇

We walk for a long time. As it gets dark I start to get annoyed, along with others in the group. Nobody wants to go too far.

We have just got to the outskirts of the Capitol, so Jackson deems it okay to set up camp for today.

We pull tents out of our packs and set them up.

I am due to share one with Johanna and Hazel, but once it's set up I leave them in peace. Johanna mouths "Thank you" as I go. I nod as if to say, "It's okay."

I make my way back to the clearing we set up in. It has the supplies and some sticks piled up for a campfire. It is almost pitch black out now- the clouds block out any stars that you may have been able to see, and the moon is in shadow.

I help Mitchell gather firewood and light the campfire. It's not the biggest as it's probably rained so most of the wood is too wet to use. I say bye to him as he goes to bed, but he stops and comes back. "You staying out here?" he says.

I shrug. "I guess."

"It's pretty cold," he says. "You should go back to your tent soon."

"It's okay," I say. I seem to be saying that a lot recently. Weird, because there isn't exactly much that is okay at the moment.

He goes to his tent, leaving me in the cold. I breathe in the cold of the night and the heat of the fire. I try to focus on that, and not the everlasting feeling of hands on my skin. I try to focus on the cells falling off, cells being created that he never touched. The process of forming a new body.

My head snaps round at the sound of a footstep. It is heavy, heavier than the one that directly follows it. The sound of a heavy prosthetic leg.

Peeta sits down next to me. "Couldn't sleep?" he says.

"Don't want to. And I thought Johanna and Hazel could use the privacy."

"Oh."

"What about you? Who's in your tent again?"

He shakes his head. "Finnick, Mitchell-"

"Did Mitchell tell you I was out here?"

"He said you could probably use some company," Peeta says.

I sigh. "Well, you could get worse I guess. Finnick's... well, Finnick, and Mitchell isn't too bad."

"Oh, uh, yeah you cut me off before, there's... um... also Gale."

"Has he done anything yet?"

Peeta turns to look at me. "Why are you worried about me? You're the one he hurt."

"Still. You're the one he beat up."

"True. Yeah, he's kept pretty quiet. I haven't seen him for a while actually. He left the tent about half an hour ago, didn't come back. Said he was going to get fire wood."

"He wasn't there when I was doing it."

"That's weird. Where'd you think he went?"

"I don't know."

"Hey," Peeta says, pointing up to the sky, "Look at the stars."

And I do. And they are beautiful.

◇◇◇

Johanna's POV

"You think she's coming back?" Hazel says.

"Knowing her, probably not soon," I reply, smiling at her. She wraps her arms around my neck and presses her lips to mine. "I love you, you know that?"

"Of course I do, Jo. I'm sorry we can't promise each other we'll get out of this alive, but... you know how Katniss had a baby?"

"I'm confused as to where you're going with this... You know we're both women right?"

"Yes, but I was thinking, maybe we could adopt? I mean, I was there when the virus thing broke out in 13, so I can't have a baby anyway. I was already thinking about getting one, but I don't know if you would want to..."

I slide my arm around her shoulder. "Hey, you don't need me to approve anything like that for you. It's your choice. I-"

I'm cut off by a noise outside. "Shh," I tell Hazel quietly. I crawl over to the zip on the tent. Whatever is outside, it's making footsteps. I turn back and grab a knife.

I make my way to the entrance of the tent again slowly. I know the zip is going to make a lot of noise, so I quickly unzip it and point my knife out in front of me.

"Gale?"

"Johanna?" He says. "Do you know where Katniss is? I wanted to make sure she was okay."

"That's not what you wanted you ba-"

"Hey, calm down." His hands are out in front of him. "What did I do?"

"You know what you did. You aren't going to come near here again, or I swear I will-"

"Okay, okay. I'll go. As long as you can explain to me what I did."

"Stop cutting me off. You know, I'm not afraid to use this knife." My arm twitches. I really want to plunge my knife into him.

"No, but it's me..."

My arm plunges down.

◇◇◇

Hazel's POV

I run out of the tent when I hear a scream. "Jo?"

The large guy I think is called Gale is lying on the floor, and the grass is stained brown-red. There is a massive pool of blood.

"Jo, what happened?"

Johanna is just standing there, glaring at Gale. The knife in her hand is covered in blood. "He was trying to hurt Katniss." 

"Okay, well I still need to try and help him. Gale? Gale, are you okay?"

"I think he got knocked out when he fell," Johanna says. "I only stabbed his foot."

"Okay, okay." I go back to the tent and grab my medical kit.

I clean his wound and wrap the foot up with bandages. It somehow stops the bleeding.

Peeta and Katniss come running in just as I try to prop him up against a tree.

"What happened?" Peeta asks.

Jo is the one who replies. "He was looking for Katniss. I told him to go, and he didn't. He started taunting me that I wouldn't hurt him." She looks down at Gale. "Still think that, bitch?"

"Jo," I say, trying to stop her.

"I'm not letting him hurt anyone," she protests.

"No, thank you, Johanna," Katniss says.

"No problem."

We move him to the clearing, where there is a meeting. It is decided that he should be cautioned and kept an eye on. Not nearly enough punishment for what he has done previously. Just because Katniss isn't actually pregnant doesn't mean he should get off from what he did to her originally. Even I can see the impact it's had on her.

Johanna moves closer to me. "So, wanna have that baby?"

"Yes."


	50. Sunrise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This would be at the beggining of Out Of The Dark,  
> thats why it goes back to chapter 1  
> yes i am too lazy to change it  
> enjoy

Date: 3rd Feb

◇◇◇

Chapter 1

Katniss's POV

"Sorry about that," Jackson says. "Well, as Johanna is on a caution, I am going to take your place in your tent to prevent further injury."

"What?" I say. "But Gale's the one who was coming to hurt me. Johanna was defending herself!"

Jackson sighs. "Yes, but we don't have any proof that that is was Gale was coming to do, so even though we are isolating him too, we still need to keep an eye on her incase she was lying and she is going to hurt anyone else."

"I..." I need to speak out for Johanna. "I can give you proof." I unbutton a couple buttons on my shirt and show her my collarbone. It bears a scar on it. "I got this from Gale. That day after we went to district 8? He told me to go back to his compartment instead of mine, because everyone would knock on my door to make sure I was okay. And then..."

"Yes, soldier Everdeen?"

I take in a deep breath. My heart is going too fast for it to be a normal pace. There's some weird tight feeling in my chest. "Then he raped me. I... Johanna isn't lying. He went there, asking for me. I'm just glad that I wasn't there."

She contemplates this. "Okay, we'll put Gale under more restrictions, but I will still have to watch Johanna."

I eventually give up. At least they are doing more about Gale.

"So I was going to tell you that we will have to move you to another tent. There is space in the tent with Leeg 1 and 2, and Cressida and Enobaria. Of course there is a spare tent we need to put up for Gale so another space may become available depending on who we choose to keep an eye on him."

"Um, I think I'd prefer not to be in one with Enobaria... I don't exactly mind Leeg 1 and 2... but do you think I could take Gale's place in the tent with Peeta, Finnick and Mitchell?"

"Well, we were hoping to keep both sexes separate... but I may be able to make an exception."

◇◇◇

Finnick unzips the tent for me so I can carry my pack in. "Thanks," I say.

"No problem."

The tent has a sheet in the middle which separates it in half. Mitchell and Peeta have agreed to swap sides so that I can be on the same side as Peeta. Normally, I'd have to have a part all to myself because I'm female and they are all male. I don't think I would've wanted to be on the same side as boys and have to undress infront of them. But it's only Peeta- and Willow exists. So I think we can make an exception for that.

A sudden pang of guilt hits me as I realise that Jackson being with Johanna and Hazel will mean they will have to act like there is nothing between them. If they are caught, there will be some really bad consequences for them.

Maybe 13 isn't as bad as the Capitol, but it still has some pretty messed up views.

I must admit, it is a small danger sharing with Peeta in case he has another outburst: but I am confident he won't. He's been better recently. Maybe he's coming back. And if worst comes to worst, then at least I will have died before Snow can get to me.

◇◇◇

I lay facing the outer wall of the tent. I can hear Peeta breathing.

I think everyone is asleep. But there is a slight sound so maybe Finnick is awake making knots.

It takes a long time to fall asleep.

◇◇◇

I wake up thrashing, stifling screams. I try to calm myself down so I don't wake the others, but I end up silently crying, facing the grey tent wall once again.

I put on a shirt and trousers before getting up and walking out the tent, being carful to not wake anyone up. Instead of going to the now blown out campfire for the second time tonight, I walk away from the camp. 

I walk for a long time until I am brought to a cliff. I find a good tree and try to climb up.

Even though I am light enough to not break any branches, I am too weak to climb it easily. I really need to start eating properly if we are going to overthrow the Capitol. I'm the Mockingjay, so apparently I need to go on camera and be impressive. I don't want to eat much though; I'm going to die anyway, so what's the point? I'm not even looking after Willow anymore. And even if I did eat I probably wouldn't be able to keep much in, like after the first games.

I haven't exactly been feeling great recently either. Probably because I haven't been eating. 

I just sit on a branch in a tree. It's pretty cold up here.

I can see the Capitol, looking like the start is a couple of miles away. The mountains surrounding it are lit up by the starting of the sunrise. 

I can still see the stars against the dark blue of the sky, but closer to the horizon it fades into orange. Like Peeta's favourite colour. I'm never going to forget that.

I am there for a while, just watching the sun rise.

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV

I am woken by Finnick shouting for me to get up. For some reason we are supposed to get up at 5:30, and the sun is rising. I turn over to find Katniss is gone. "Katniss?" I say, looking around. I know she's not here.

"Peeta, what's going on?" Finnick asks. "Peeta?"

"Katniss is gone," I say, throwing on my soldier uniform.

"What?"

I get out the tent, to see Finnick standing outside. 

"She's gone," I say again.

"Oh god."

"What do you think happened?" My mind is going crazy. Did she go off on her own somewhere? Did someone come to talk to her? Where is she? Why is she gone? Is she okay?

"I don't know... wait," he says, stopping my every thought. "Footsteps."

He's right- there are footprint shapes in the mud. I nod, "let's go."

◇◇◇

We get to the end of the footsteps, but there is nothing. Nobody. "Katniss?" I say.

Maybe I'm not too interested in her anymore, but I feel like I owe something to her. She had my child, and I used to love her. The people that changed that are the Capitol, not me or her. I got her into all this mess in the first place, so I really hope she's okay. And there is one more thing I want to do for her to try and make up for it all.

"Peeta?" I hear. It's coming from above me. "Katniss?" I reply.

I hear a nearby tree creaking and small branches snapping, and then Katniss comes down from the tree. I immediately run up to embrace her, but she refrains from hugging me back, so I pull away. "Are you okay? I was so worried. What happened?"

"Um... I just had a bad dream so I went for a walk. I didn't want to wake you up."

"Hey, you can wake me up if you need to," I say hesitantly. Maybe she didn't want to in case I went mutt on her. That's fair enough. "I'm sorry, I-"

"No, it's okay. I'm the one who should be apologising. I'm the one who walked off."

"No, don't apologise for having a nightmare- you know, let's just go back. There's no point just eternally telling each other to not apologise." I turn to the forest upon hearing footsteps, and shout, "Finnick, it's okay. You can go back now." I hear a vague reply, but don't register it. I'm just looking to Katniss.

"Okay," she says. I think she might have actually smiled. I guess now could be as good a time as ever.

"Katniss, before we go back, I want to ask you something. And it doesn't have to be anytime soon, just when you're ready, but... if we both survive this, I'd like to marry you. Fourth time, apparently, but I can't just leave you how you are because that isn't fair on you. And if you don't want to that's okay, and if you find someone else, that's also okay. But it's not you or me that stopped me loving you, that was Snow. So it isn't exactly fair on either of us for this to have happened; and though I do not know if my original feelings for you will ever return, I know I love Willow, and she is part you. And... look, I just want you to know that I want to make things up to you but it's okay if you don't want to or anything... I'm not good with words," I finally say, laughing.

"Peeta, you are amazing with words. And that's so kind... but it's not fair on you. Marrying someone you don't love... I don't think I'm going to fall for anyone else, but there's a reason for that. I wasn't planning on it anyway, you were just an exception. And you don't have to make anything up to me."

"Yes I do. I left you in this mess with Gale and Willow and even back in the first Games; that's the only reason Snow is out for you. Because you didn't kill me. I owe you my life ten times over. And it is fair on me- I'm the one asking you."

"I owe you my life from when we were 11. Without you I wouldn't be here."

I laugh again. "The bread? That was, what, seven years ago? I don't think that matters anymore."

"It does to me." She smiles. She looks me in the eye, then at the forest floor. It's like a painting- old wet leaves creating a beautiful mosaic pattern. "Peeta, I... want to marry you. I do. I just can't yet. My mind can't focus on how much I love you right now. Gale is plastered in my mind like posters on the wall. Like the Capitol seal on everything, proving they own us. I don't want it to be there, but it is." Katniss squirms as she says that.

"That's okay," I say.

She sighs. "The thing is... I don't know if I'm going to come out of this alive. Not just like everyone could die on this mission or anything... I can't promise that even if I survive all this I'll still have the energy to go on. I will try, but I can't promise anything. And there's plenty of more capable people who could raise Willow."

"Katniss, I," I can't seem to get my words out. "You can't. Please, there are so many people who love you... and Willow needs you. You're her Mom."

"That doesn't matter," she says.

"It does to me. So, Katniss Everdeen, will you marry me? Whether it be in a month or a year, I will wait until you are ready if you still want to. You can change your mind at any point."

She smiles. "Of course. I don't know how long it will take for me to be ready, but I will. I love you."

And she steps into my arms, so I guide her back to the camp.

"How was the sunrise?" I ask.

"Beautiful," she replies. "And very orange; you'd have liked it."

"I'm sad I missed it. If you don't mind me asking, what was your nightmare about?"

"Well, there were a few," she says, "one was the Games, another was Gale, the third... was losing you."


	51. Phone Call

◇◇◇Date: 4th Feb

◇◇◇

Chapter 2

Katniss's POV

"Eat," Finnick tells me. For breakfast we have all been given some bread and something that... I don't know what it is. I have eaten a couple chunks of the bread, but I feel full even after my walk into the woods. "You need to eat," he insists. I take another few bites and have to stop because I feel sick.

"Right, come on," Johanna says, "you need to start eating. I never see you eating back at 13, which is extremely stupid."

"I just don't feel hungry," I say.

"How?" she retorts. "You're like a stick, you need to eat more. You didn't even look this bad after the games."

"Johanna," Finnick says, trying to spare my feelings.

"No it's okay," I answer. "Johanna's right. I... I have been skipping a couple meals."

"You mean starving yourself," she replies.

I don't answer this.

I go to throw up after Finnick and Johanna force me to eat more.

"Is there a problem, Soldier Everdeen?" Boggs asks.

"No," I reply, shaking my head and obviously lying.

He sighs. "Okay, well, make sure you keep some food in you. Go on."

◇◇◇

I can drink at least. We are in the Capitol now, so I have to have my bow ready at all times. Boggs is using a thing called a Holo which apparently locates where the pods are, or something. Honestly, it seems a little far-fetched, but that's the Capitol for you. Slaughtering citizens in style with needless waste of resources thrown in.

The entire day seems to be nothing but walking, because for some reason there are only a couple of pods around on the outer city.

When it goes dark Boggs and Jackson confirms we should find somewhere to sleep, so we find an empty house. I don't understand why the houses are empty and anyone I ask won't tell me. When I ask Finnick and Johanna why they won't tell me, they just say 'Probably because of your past and what happened in 8.'

◇◇◇

Someone sets up a call back to 13 for me, and Haymitch picks up.

"Hey, Haymitch," I say.

"Katniss, I want you to know before I say anything else that we cannot guarantee anyone's safety but we are doing our best."

"What?" This reply takes me back. What does he mean?

"The Capitol has started to drop bombs on us. There's been an emergency called so we are all in the bunker bit, and I can't be on the phone to you for long, sorry."

"What? Is Prim okay? My mom? Willow, is Willow okay?"

Peeta comes up from behind me. "Katniss what's going on?"

"It's all going to be fine, Katniss. Willow is being taken care of by your mother and Prim," Haymitch says down the phone. "There was a small mishap where we didn't know where Prim was, turned out she went to get the cat. He's okay, if you were wondering." Honestly, I'm not too interested in the welfare of the damned cat, but instead that my family is okay. "Was that Peeta I heard behind you?"

"Yes," I reply.

"Could you pass him over?"

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV

Katniss takes the phone down from her ear, hands shaking. She holds it out to me, and I take it.

"Peeta?" Haymitch says.

"Yes? What's going on, Haymitch?"

"The Capitol, they started to bomb us. Coin and her team are saying they aren't nuclear, but I still can't guarantee we are all going to be safe. In fact, I'm a little worried. But I want to make sure you and Katniss take care of each other. I have no doubts she will, but I hope you can get over the hijacking and even if it isn't love it doesn't matter. Just be there for her. You're both broken. Maybe you can fix each other."

"Haymicth, of course I'm going to take care of her. I think you are right, and I think, my feelings for her, I think they're coming back," I say in a hushed voice, "if we all get out of this alive, I'll tell you."

"Okay. But don't tell her I'm worried about us here."

"I won't."

There is a slight bang, and the line goes dead. I hang it back on the reciever and walk to Katniss who is sitting on one of the makeshift beds on the floor.

I sit down next to her, trying to place my leg on the floor carefully. "What did he say?" She asks.

"To make sure you were okay."

"What did you mean when you said 'I won't'?"

"I meant that I wouldn't be stupid," I lie.

"Okay," she replies.

A silence hangs between us for long past most people have gone to sleep. We are all being kept in different rooms again after the Johanna and Gale incident. "If you have nightmares..." I eventually say, breaking the quiet, "wake me. I don't want you to have to go through that again. I've been gone long enough."

She smiles. "I missed you."

"I missed you too."

Something deep in my gut sinks, knowing that Willow could be unsafe. That Katniss's family could be unsafe. They could all be dead.

I've never been religious, but for once I pray.

◇◇◇


	52. The Last Thing I Remember

Date: 5th Feb

◇◇◇

Chapter 3

Peeta's POV

I shake awake from a nightmare I can't remember. I sit up and shake a little.

The thought of 13 hits me and the nightmare comes flooding back. Bombs. Loved ones dying.

I go to my bag and take a swig of water.

I soon become aware of Katniss thrashing about and get to her before she starts to scream. She soon breaks her way out of their dream and wraps her arms around me. A wet patch appears on my shirt where she sobs silently. "It's okay," I say. "You're okay. Wanna talk about it?"

She shakes her head.

"Okay." I stroke her hair and tuck the loose strands behind her ears, the ones that escaped the braid. "Okay."

◇◇◇

We must have both fallen back asleep because I wake up with my arms around her. I don't move though. She seems too peaceful.

The last thing I remember was cradling her in my arms and kissing her forehead. 

I get up when she finally moves away and go out to the kitchen.

"Hey Finnick," I say.

"Hi," he says. He looks a little drained.

"You okay?" I ask.

"13 called again. I assume you knew about the bombs."

"Oh my God, Annie. Is she okay?"

He sighs and leans against the kitchen counter. "Well, the Capitol stopped the raid an hour ago, but they're all still down there in case more come. I didn't get the chance to talk to Annie. Haymitch said she was okay and still worried about me. I told him to tell her I'd be okay, but... I just don't know how I'm supposed to help her when I'm here; I mean, I can't. I should never have come on this damned mission thing." His hand goes across his face, blocking his eyes and any expressions. "I messed up. How am I going to be a good husband to her? And if we get the chance, even, how could I be a good father? You are already, but... I'm just... here. I can't do anything. How is she supposed to trust me? I wouldn't."

"Finnick, I... Annie is so lucky to have you. She loves you so much, regardless of what happens here. She knows you never meant to leave her."

"But that's the point isn't it?" Finnick says, flinging his hand in the air from his face, before it finally rests on the counter again. "She trusts me. I had the choice, I could've chosen to stay there! And I didn't. I came here." He sounds like everything inside him has broken and faded. "Mags... she basically gave her life for me, you, Katniss and Annie. She volunteered to take Annie's place. I thought I was honoring Mags and saving Annie. But Annie had to go through that alone."

"I know. But you say you had the choice... I don't think any of us did. Coin needed us to fight. We were under her rule. Just like we were before under Snow's."

"We're just pawns in their massive game."

"What?" I say.

"Chess," he replies, shaking it away with his hands, "it's a Capitol game, old but you know. Sophisticated. Sorry, I wouldn't expect people to know that." Sometimes it's hard to remember that Finnick was in the Capitol a lot now that I know he's really just one of us. He seems to not want the knowledge, almost like he feels it's another block between him and the other people in his life, like Annie and me and Johanna. People who don't understand the Capitol ideas in the same depth. I almost hate myself for thinking the way I did about Finnick before.

"No, no it's okay," I say. "Just, please, Finnick. You can't do anything else. But at least, I want you to know I will try and help you. Okay? We all support you. Me, Annie, Johanna, Katniss."

"Is Katniss okay?" Finnick asks. "What happened to her? Why was Gale trying to get to her?" I stand there for a second, confused. "Sorry, I just..."

"Um, don't apologise. It's not your fault. You know when you all went to District 8?"

"Yeah."

"Well, Gale talked her back into talking to him. And something happened. Actually, um, ask Katniss, I shouldn't tell you. It's not my story to tell. That wouldn't be fair."

"Oh," he says. "I'm sorry. How are you faring, though?"

I shrug. "A little stressed, but less now. It's good to know people in 13 are okay. That means Willow is okay."

"I'm sorry."

I smile, picking up two cans and taking them back to the room we were all in.

◇◇◇

Johanna's POV

We all pack up with extra cans of food from the kitchen. It's weird having to pretend there is nothing between me and Hazel. It's painful. Of course it's always been like that in public, but I never expected it to be like that in private. Private is the only way we can truly be together.

Katniss and Peeta, and Finnick and Annie don't understand. Maybe they have their own problems and everything, but something they will never have to experience is being afraid to show affection in public, or even being afraid generally that someone will hurt you and loved ones because of who you love. 

I understand all their problems, and they accept ours. But they'll never understand.

I just thank them for at least accepting ours. Even more for Katniss, she never even asked about me being gay or anything. She just automatically recognised we were together, no questions asked.

Maybe I don't like her as a best friend, but I am forever grateful. Being accepted... it's like one of the best things that could ever happen.

◇◇◇

It's hard to register when it happens. It's just fire. Someone screams, and the air is filled with smoke. Someone else shouts "Gas Masks!" and me and Hazel instantly scramble around for our masks. Hazel ties hers around her face quickly, but I'm coughing too much. There's too much smoke in my lungs. I fall to the ground, unable to even lift up my mask.

Hazel sees me, runs up and puts my mask on before I pass out. The last thing I remember is her lifting me up and me getting a glimpse of her worried golden eyes, dancing in the firelight.

◇◇◇

There is a certain quality about Hazel; a fire quality. I have a quality like fire to me too, but it's different. 

Mine is like the raging fire, destructive and unstoppable.

Hers... it's like the aftermath. The fertilisation of land again. New growth, healing. The final embers calmly lying on a forest floor.

Maybe I destroy and she heals.

I am like the axe I have been taught to wield, and she is like her medicines she has been taught to use.


	53. Gas Masks

Date: 7th Feb

◇◇◇

Chapter 4

Katniss's POV

We settled in another house again last night. I don't want to remember what we did to the owner of the house.

Johanna didn't get her mask on in time when the gas hit. There were a few things that you need to understand. Firstly, it was triggered by Leeg 1 standing on an undocumented pod. That triggered the fire, which unfortunately got her. Secondly, the smoke was poisoned. I inhaled quite a bit too, so did Peeta, Finnick and Mitchell because we were all together. Where we were, we couldn't hear Jackson telling us to put our masks on, and we couldn't see the smoke. But somehow the poison spread to us. Thirdly, we aren't sure what the poison is, so it's entirely likely any of us could die very soon. We don't even know how much you have to breathe in for it to affect you.

What we do know is that me and the others that were with me have been feeling lightheaded, Johanna is unconscious and Leeg 1... is past saving.

When I went to fall asleep, I was out practically the second I lay down.

In the morning, Johanna's condition wasn't any better. She's still alive, but she was struggling to breathe and wasn't waking up, so Jackson called 13 and now Jackson has to go to the edge of the Capitol to board a hovercraft with Johanna because she is too ill. Apparently 13 are sending in 2 other soldiers to help, but we haven't been told who.

I sit in the living room of the house. I want to stare out the window, see what's out there, but we had to close the shutters in case any peacekeepers came.

Everyone else is asleep or upstairs making plans. I'm supposed to be up there. I don't want to make the plans though. I'm not a game maker. I'm a tribute. Just a piece in the game. 

Sometimes it feels like none of this is real. It just... seems non existent.

There is so much going on that it feels like it's nothing anymore. One of the few things that brings me back to reality is Willow. And she isn't here. I miss her. I'm not the best mother, but being here I'm even worse. 

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV

"So, I think we can safely assume our Mockingjay isn't coming. But anyway, we can't stay here long. The Capitol has cameras everywhere- I think they'll notice a large truck coming. As we know from yesterday, there are some pods that aren't registered on the Holo," Boggs says as we sit around an extravagant bed upstairs. I look to Hazel, trying to let her know that we can comfort her. She's doing a good job of being indifferent toward the situation. And I feel so sorry for them both, it's hard enough for them already. "Now we just need a plan for exactly how-"

He is cut off by the phone ringing, and he goes to pick it up.

We all sit in silence as he answers and nods and replies.

This goes on for a couple of minutes before he drops the phone and flinches away.

"Pack up what you can, we're leaving now. And I mean now."

"What?" Messala says.

"The Capitol traced our call they know where we are."

◇◇◇

It's complete panic for the next few minutes, everyone getting their things. I have to physically shake Katniss to get her to respond.

We are out the house and running within a very short space of time, and I am still winded from yesterday.

And of course, my leg slows me down a lot.

We manage to get to a small square about 400 metres from the house we were in and someone steps on a certain tile whilst Boggs shouts warnings.

It takes less than a second for a thick black tar-like substance to start flooding the square whilst we run for higher ground. 

I see Leeg 2 fall and am about to help her when she is enveloped. She didn't want to live anymore now her sister had died anyway is what she said before, so I try to be strong.

I have seen enough people die. At least she's with her family now.

Just as I'm about to get in the house everybody is running into, I am pulled back by Gale and thrown backward. I narrowly miss the tar, but Messala is knocked in and then I can see his body trapped in a net suspended between buildings. 

I manage to get to the top of the stairs where everyone is before the orange takes over my vision.

◇◇◇

Finnick's POV

We get to the top and I realise Peeta isn't here. I have a moment of panic before he finally emerges onto the top. Something to do with Gale's posture and facial expression gives me a feeling that he was the reason Peeta nearly died just now.

I am about to be truly relieved when Peeta starts twitching and shouting.

The venom.

"Peeta, Peeta, calm down," I say whilst he rants about mutts and anger.

I have to grasp his shoulders to stop him from walking into the tar, and eventually Hazel pulls out a sedative to calm him down.

He hits the ground a few seconds after the needle enters his arm.

Katniss runs from the other side of the landing to us.

"I'm so sorry," I tell her. 

I hear her say, "I really thought he was getting better."

"So did we."

◇◇◇

It takes a few minutes, but the tar goes down. Boggs instructs us to put our masks on in case it's poisonous like the smoke from yesterday.

Enobaria goes first, testing it with her foot. She confirms it's okay.

We walk across the square, knee-deep in sludge that thankfully keeps draining itself back somewhere. When you look up all the buildings are coated in thick black substance, like they were made for Goths.

We manage to make it to another house. Apparently it's too risky to walk any further in case any Peacekeepers see us because they now know our location.

◇◇◇

We are all eating (except Peeta, but he's unconscious) when the television screen lights up.

Katniss shakes and I tell her it's just the mandatory viewing. It's like that in the Capitol. Sometimes I forget I'm the only one who would know that sort of thing.

Images of Peacekeepers burning a house down fly across the screen. President snow narrates saying how we are now dead.

Everyone looks confused before I say, "This is great. They think we're dead, so they won't be looking for us. Don't you get it? They now don't know we're here. We can do whatever."


	54. Gold

Chapter 5  
◇◇◇  
Date: 8th Feb

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV

When I wake they tell me about what happened.

The Capitol broadcast, I mean. Nobody really talks about what I did yesterday. I thought maybe I was going to be okay. Clearly not.

People are packing and someone forces a can of something on me. I eat it when they are all insistent about my health. It's weird- two years ago, in twelve, we would've jumped at any food opportunity considering how scarce it was. But here, in the circumstances we're all in, it seems a lot less important.

What I want is to have a normal life, and I thought finally I could have that. 

There's a multitude of people I want to talk to, but I decide to talk to Finnick. I find him in a small room upstairs, packing.

"Hey," I say, "I'm sorry about what happened yesterday, I thought I... I thought I was fine," I say.

Finnick gives me a look that makes me think he's going to say something hostile, and I wouldn't blame him. Then he sighs and says, "Peeta, stop. It's not your fault. Please, get that in their head. This is Snow's fault. Anyone that blames you is an idiot. Okay?" He smiles. "And you aren't an idiot. So don't believe it's your fault."

"Um... well, thanks. But... nobody's telling me, so..." I don't know what I want to know. I'm not sure what happened. My brain is going round and around. Then something hits me in the face. "Did I hurt anyone?"

He shakes his head and sighs again. "No. You didn't. Peeta, we... we can deal with it. It's not like it was when you were first... you know. Oh, I'm... I'm sorry, I know it's hard, I just..." He sits down on the bed, and it visibly goes down. "How do I deal with it all Peeta? I..."

I think he was going to finish his sentence, but Cressida comes in. "Oh, if you want to call back to the Capitol now's the time. They're probably going to realise we aren't dead later so... you may not get another chance, the way things have been going. And still no news on the new soldier."

Finnick nods. "Yeah, okay. Thanks."

Cressida nods. "Your welcome."

◇◇◇

He hands the phone to me finally.

"Thanks Finnick," I whisper, taking it from him. "Hello," I say down the phone.

I hear Haymitch's voice. "Peeta? Oh god, you're okay."

"Yeah, why?"

"I was told about the um... episode the other day."

"Oh... yeah, I thought I was going to get better. Maybe not."

"Of course you're getting better. If you're okay now, then... look, we always knew this could affect your whole life. And maybe it will. But based on what has happened altogether- these episodes- we think that they will probably happen still, but become less and less frequent. Maybe one day, they'll go. You aren't getting worse, you're staying on the same track, getting better. Even if it doesn't seem like it." There's a pause as I take this in. "What was that thing you were going to tell me? I know you said you were going to wait but, you know, I might not survive this."

"Oh, it, uh... doesn't matter," I reply, trying to sound nonchalant. "It, uh... I don't think it matters anymore."

"Peeta, what are you saying? That your feelings for her have gone again?"

"No," I cut him off quickly. "Just that, I don't think- if this is going to keep affecting me- that it would be a good idea. What I was planning."

"Peeta, you're going to have to explain."

"I can't. And there's no point talking about this. There's no point discussing love when I could die at any point. There's no reason that it's important. Okay?"

I can hear him sigh at the end of the line, and even though it's the slightest of noises, it just piles up the static energy I can feel in my arms. I want to let it out. To hit something. "Okay," he says. "Well, before you go, I'd like to say that Willow is still okay. Anyway, I hope I see you again."

"Right back to you," I say, despite the destructive energy that races through my veins. It takes most of what I have to not shove the phone into the next person's hand.

◇◇◇

I find her next to the window, staring out. You can see the sky from here, even though it's mostly hidden behind the tall buildings of the Capitol. The gold light of the sunrise makes the bright sickly colours of the Capitol houses darker and less important. The gold shines through the window and turns her hair lighter, softer. It warms her expression.

In that instant is when I'm flung back to that day on the roof. I thought I was going to die then as well; I promised that I was going to die, to save her. 

Her hair was golden then as well, as I made knots in it. 

I don't understand how my life was better when I knew of the impending doom of my second games and the possible death of my unborn child.

And now, whatever I was going to say, I can't say it. I can' disturb her 

She should have some peace before we leave again.  
◇◇◇


	55. Only The Good Die

Date: 8th Feb

Chapter 6

Katniss's POV

The walk is long, and we soon have to retreat to the sewers because there are too many peacekeepers on the roads. My gut twisted into the tightest knots when Boggs told us to do that. Memories of my Father, the idea that I might end up like him. Not that I have much choice. When you die, you're either buried deep underground or burned into ashes. The two things I'm most scared of.

The waters of the sewer are a brown green, like the forest but a lot less pure. A gun rests in my hand now, heavy and uncomfortable.

For some reason, it doesn't seem the same as a bow, even if they are for the same purpose. A bow isn't automated. This is just made for mass killing. And that is uncomfortable as the slick black metal that is in my hands.

Finnick walks next to me, our footsteps echoing throughout the dim tunnels. 

I feel bad that I haven't talked to Peeta, haven't acknowledged him, since he woke up. Maybe a part of me is worried it's going to get worse, maybe I'm just trying to shield myself from the possibility of him being lost again. Maybe I'm scared he'll be lost forever. Maybe I'm worried I'll have to take care of Willow on my own. 

Maybe I'm scared I'll lose the one person that truly understands, and the arms that calm me. One of the few steady things in my life.

I walk on through the sewers though, not looking back. Never looking back. If I'm not dead by the time this is all over, I can sort it out. 

A light appears at the end, with Boggs underneath it. It looks almost like we can get out again. Until he signals for us to wait.

A flash of fear crosses his face and he tells us to go.

So we run. I hear a couple screams of people who see what is going on, but Boggs catches up with us, so at least he's okay.

We turn many corners, run and get tired. Drag along.

These tunnels were not made for people.

◇◇◇

Hazel's POV

I try to calm down a screaming Cressida as we run. I can't blame her for screaming after what Boggs was running from. It made bile rise to my throat. Some inhumane creature. It looked almost in pain, its ghostly skin peeling off at the edges.

I see Mitchell lag behind, hear Boggs telling us to move on. It's too late.

And the mutt gets him. Whatever it is, it must be pretty messed up because I can smell a carcass almost as soon as Mitchell's last scream escapes his mouth.

Leeg 1, Leeg 2, Messalla. And now Mitchell. Already four people gone in just 5 days. At this rate, we'll all be dead within the next couple of weeks.

Eventually I see people getting out of the tunnel, Katniss climbing the ladder to escape. 

Me, Cressida and Boggs barely get out before the thing starts thrashing at the ladder.

And so we run, run to another house. Probably another Capitol person we'll have to kill. I'm surprised Gale's still here considering half the time he's handcuffed to Castor or Pollux. It amazes me how he escapes death.

It always seems to be the good who die. Only the good.

◇◇◇

Finnick's POV

Cressida is crying. So is Pollux.

We all knew the consequences of this, but already so many people have died.

"I thought it was just Mitchell," Hazel says from next to me. "I didn't think it would have got Castor as well." I nod.

After a few attempts to help Cressida runs out the room. She's normally so strong.

"I think seeing it broke her," Hazel says, almost like she is reading my thoughts. "And it must be hard for Pollux as well, he's already an avox. I think his brother was one of the few ways he could express his thoughts. And I guess family can be close."

"Were you close? With your family?" I ask.

Her head shakes, the small dark curls atop her head shaking. "No, some stuff happened between us. People say blood is thicker than water, but sometimes it really isn't. And that's okay. You don't have to be okay with abuse. Especially not when it's just for who you love." She sighs. "I guess, sometimes, I feel guilty that they're gone. That I'm still here... But I can't say I loved people who hurt me."

Out of the corner of my eye I see Katniss and Peeta leaving the room, but I barely register it.

"What about you?"

I am startled by the question, to say the least. "I suppose I was... but just the normal way. And even so, I have Annie now. Just like you have Johanna."

"Yeah," Hazel replies, a smile appearing in her breath. "And having her is better than having people who have the same blood as me."

◇◇◇

Haymitch's POV

Her breathing is steady now, apparently. 

Johanna came in a couple days ago, having inhaled some gas. God only knows what that could have been, not that I believe in a God. If God existed, then surely this wouldn't be happening.

All the while, people who believe in God impress me. That they have faith still, in anything at all. That they believe that after you die, you go to a better place. All I can think is that you are either trapped in your own mind for the rest of eternity or you just... go. That's it. No coming back, or going forward.

Some people probably think that Atheists hate Believers. I don't think they do. I certainly don't. I think we all respect them in some way or another. And secretly wish we could believe that sort of thing too.

When Johanna came in, I begged them to send another team in immediately, and at the very least send Jackson back. Unfortunately, despite my many protestations as well as Clara Everdeen's, Plutarch was insistent it was too late.

"Clara," I say, knocking on their compartment door. I hear the lock click, and Primrose opens it.

"Hello Haymitch," she says.

"Just letting you know Katniss and Peeta are still okay."

She shoots me a look that is nearly as deadly as her sister shooting an arrow. "I know the Hijacking got worse."

"Oh, no no no, it's okay. I spoke to Peeta earlier today, it was just a passing thing. Nobody hurt."

"Oh, okay," she says. "I'll tell mom when she gets back."

Buttercup comes and starts to yell at me. "Time to go then," I say, laughing.

"Bye," she says.

I'm not going to give up on this family I've created. All the broken people, somehow all coming together to fix each other. Most days I check up on the Everdeens, and Annie and Beetee, and recently Johanna.

But then my heart goes out to the ones in the Capitol. To Finnick and Katniss and Peeta and Hazel.

And I hope we can make it out okay. Maybe, for once, the good won't die.  
◇◇◇


	56. Balcony (1)

Date: 9th Feb

◇◇◇

Chapter 7

Katniss's POV

A small part of me died last night, when they told me. Two people, we lost. One of them Mitchell.

I never really talked to him before, but I remember him being there for me in District 8, and again now recently. He's become a part of life. And Finnick and Peeta agreed with me.

It felt like a bad thing to talk about to Peeta, considering it was the first time I had talked to him for a couple days; at least it broke the ice though, so neither of us asked for any explanation.

Today, it was weird Mitchell not being there. And Castor as well. Breakfast was cold, nobody talked. The absence of them seemed to soak up conversation, like two black holes. It seemed to soak up everything; conversation, warmth, happiness, safety. We all knew it could have happened to any of us, yet it still shook us hard to the core. Even Gale was silent. Maybe it proves he isn't all evil, that he is human. But we probably all knew that. Nobody's perfect, and some are worse than others. Either way, him having a couple more morals than expected is a good point. And I feel safer now I know that Boggs is making sure he isn't going anywhere near me. 

Still not safe, though. Just safe enough to let my guard down occasionally. That doesn't change the long expanses of anger, feelin numb, feeling worthless. The latter happens a lot.

I constantly find myself biting my nails, chewing on hair. I try to stop, but it keeps happening. My hands are constantly doing something. Probably to distract my brain, because without distraction it wanders to the parts filled with cobwebs and shadows. The part where the dark thoughts live, hiding in the corners.

"You okay?" Hazel asks me. I shrug in response. There is no real response for that right now.

"Katniss, we want to help," Finnick says.

I raise an eyebrow. "What, are you two ganging up on me now?"

Hazel shakes her head. "No, I'm making sure everyone is okay, but to me you are a priority. Johanna is somewhere safe, but you are my patient and my friend."

A small smile forms at the edge of my mouth. "Thanks."

"So," she persists, "how are you?"

I shrug again.

Finnick also persists. "Come on, Katniss. We know there's something bothering you. Not just what happened yesterday, though that is a tragedy."

"Neither of them deserved that," Hazel agrees. "Maybe Gale would have though."

Finnick immediately shoots her a look that is somehow in agreement, surprise and reprimanding her at the same time.

"Yeah," I agree. "I... I don't know, I don't want to think about him right now." They both smile sympathetically. It's weird how people have different expressions for the same emotions, and how we learn to recognise them on individual faces. "There's not really a specific problem," I then say, trying to get off the topic of Gale.

"Where's Peeta?" Finnick says.

Hazel looks around. "I don't know," she says. "Where's Gale?"

Her and Finnick then seem to panic, because Gale is supposed to be supervised at all times, but Boggs is still here, and so is Pollux. Boggs then seems startled as Hazel gets in his face. "What happened, where did he go?"

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV

"What do you want?" I say when he enters the room. Some people would probably think he was handsome; at least, people in our school in 12 did. Tall, dark hair, just generally a dark demeanour. I don't see it. Not because I'm not gay, that isn't the point. You can still tell when someone is handsome or beautiful, like Finnick or- I don't know -Cato, or Thresh. Being a straight male doesn't change that, or it at least shouldn't.

But Gale... he isn't like that. Although maybe my vision may be clouded. Perhaps you only see someone as their personality once you know them, like how Snow looks a little too much like a snake. That still wouldn't explain Cato or Thresh though, as I never really got to know them. It's oddly hard trying to make friendships when you're all trying to kill one another. 

But Gale... his dark hair doesn't look like ink that flows out the loves of my heart on paper, it looks like the dark parts of my mind. His grey eyes aren't colourful and deep and rich like Katniss's, they are cold and soulless. Maybe he started out kind. I know he had brothers and sisters that Katniss has always cared about, and I feel sorry for them. For having a brother grow up to be like this. Maybe my brother didn't volunteer for me, but that's fair. It's standard. It doesn't mean he doesn't care.

He laughs a little. "What do I want? Isn't that obvious? I want my freedom back. I want my friend back. You took Katniss away from me."

"She isn't an object" I spit, "much less your property. Just like she isn't mine. She is very much her own person. And it's her decision if she wants to be your friend or not, even though you didn't exactly give her much choice."

"I gave her all she wanted. Then you came along."

A small laugh also escapes my mouth with the disbelief of what he's said. "We were in the arena. I was trying to help her, so we could get out of there alive. Or would you prefer it if your best friend had died? What would you have done?"

"The honourable thing. Given my life for her."

"And I wasn't prepared to do that?" I can feel that tension begin to build up. It starts in my arms, a little in my heart. I know it's going to work its way up, until it floods my every move. Normally it scares me, but now I use it to my advantage. "I tried all I could. If I'd have died, I would have been fine as long as she had survived. I cared about her, but I thought she felt nothing toward me."

"And why should she have?" He shoots back at me, words again crafting that blade he has before. But instead of taking the blow, I let it build up the tension. "I'm surprised she didn't kill you first. Clearly I overestimated her. Surely she could have seen that this revolution could have happened without saving you? The people could already see her as the Mockingjay, all she did was put herself in more danger."

He shoots a punch at me, which I try to dodge, but it catches me right in middle of my chest. Solar plexus, I think, a completely useless thing I learnt in training at the Capitol.

"And I hate that," I say, wheezing and doubling over, "I hate she put herself in danger. But her saving me made me respect her even more. Even... more."

"You're weak," he spits at me. "Just pathetic."

"No," I reply, trying to straighten my stance a little," you're weak."

He swings another blow at me, one that hits me in under my chin, my vision explodes with black and stars. I wonder about where the ringing is coming from.

"Did that feel weak to you?" I hear him say while the ringing clears.

"Not... what I meant," I manage to croak out. "You're weak willed. You don't... don't control your actions. You lash out, and hurt people for... for the sake of you wanting to, or... or feeling the need to."

"And you hold back? I don't remember you holding back your declarations of love in that interview."

"You won't believe how much I wanted to. It was Haymitch-"

"You think I'm going to believe that?" He hisses, cutting me off. "You lie all the time."

This hits me worse than the punch. Let it build up, I think. "That was once. And you can't tell anyone." I think I hear a whisper from outside the door, but I ignore it. The tension has built up almost fully inside me, it just needs a minute longer.

"You won't need to worry about that anymore," he says, throwing me against the door, which swings open, leaving me to fall onto the floor of the balcony.


	57. Balcony (2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the most recent chapter, from now on you will get updates whenever I have posted. You may get the updates on Wattpad first, here's a link to my profile  
> https://www.wattpad.com/user/InkyTheFan666

◇◇◇

Date: 9th Feb

◇◇◇

Chapter 8

Peeta's POV

It takes a moment for the pain to register, but as soon as it does I can feel his hands wrap around my throat, and I-

"PEETA!" Finnick yells, swinging the door open to the room I was in. I try to push Gale off, but it's too hard until the orange floods my vision.

For once my thrashing out isn't random, or directed toward someone I love, or for anything too inherently evil. Perhaps what is about to happen isn't right, but it's better. It's defence, for myself and others.

My hands don't seem to move of my own accord, but the grip Gale and push him against the railings of the balcony

"You wouldn't do it," Gale snarls at me, through gritted teeth. "If I'm weak then we certainly both are."

I hear Boggs from behind me, telling me to put Gale down.

"You'll never understand what I feel for her, for Katniss." He looks over my shoulder, to where I assume Katniss is, and I am pushing him back against the railing, trying to bring his focus back.

"I won't understand, no. Because it's obsessive. It's intrusive, disgusting," I say, with the voice that is mine. But I don't understand quite why I'm saying it. Because he's a danger.

He laughs, and coughs up a little blood. "I'm sorry you don't understand love."

Everyone behind me is trying to stop me, but Gale interrupts with, "No, he's not going to do anything. Because you're also weak, aren't you? Just like Katniss is, and all of you. Just because I don't have as much willpower or whatever. You're all left crying from the nightmares. You're scared of getting hurt. And what's what you've gotten out of all of this? A stupid child. Was it even really necessary? With your stupid brain, Peeta, you probably don't even care about that child. She doesn't deserve a parent like you, and you don't deserve her."

The last thing I see is his twisted smile before I hurl him over the balcony.

And the orange retreats, letting me fall back to the ground and feel the pain wash over me. Voices are a blur in the background for a few seconds before the extremely loud, low sound that seems like it is puncturing my eardrums.

◇◇◇

Finnick's POV

The explosion certainly came as a shock, but we still had to act. Immediately, we are running out, Boggs is trying to drag Peeta away.

Once we are down the stairs, everyone else is concerned and also running. We run outside immediately, and Cressida shouts that she knows where to go.

Someone lags behind a bit, I don't know who. 

We are running for what seems like ages, before we come to a shop. I don't know what happens, but Cressida talks to someone in the shop and we are led down through a hole in the wall to a basement.

◇◇◇

Haymitch's POV

"You better come quickly," Plutarch says, somehow having opened my compartment door.

"I thought I locked that," I say, my speech slightly slurred. "Please, kindly go away."

He raises an eyebrow. "It's pretty important."

I get up, failing to hide the empty spirit bottles under the bed. "All right, I'm coming."

◇◇◇

I stare at the body for a minute. "What... what happened?"

There are dark red stains on the wall all the way up to the ceiling, where it drips down. For once, colour against the grey. More red is pooled on the floor, and a couple people in white laboratory coats take photos of the scene.

Plutarch finally talks again, "Well, we suspect a blade to the throat, but there is no sign of the blade or, uh, the culprit." He scratches the back of his neck thoughtfully. "Must've been someone who wasn't happy with how she ran things."

"Well that doesn't exactly narrow it down, it's Coin," I say, gesturing to the grey coat and silvery hair that's stained with blood.

"I know. This is going to be tough."

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV

I try to focus on the Television to ignore everything that's gone on. 

Apparently, once we escaped the house where the black substance was, peacekeepers burnt it down. On the screen, it says that the fire got out of control and burned for a whole day, and it's only now that it's safe for them to go in.

And then the dreaded news. "The bodies of the rebels have not been found," the reporter says, "and now a message from your President."

It switches to the image of President Snow, the camera perfectly angled to it seems like his snake eyes are staring directly into mine. "Two days ago, a group of rebels that had entered the Capitol unlawfully were caught trespassing in a house. These rebels, we had believed to be dead, as the Peacekeepers kept a fire going on the house. Now, we believe these rebels have escaped, and are on their way to cause devastation in the Capitol. Some of these rebels include Victors Katniss Everdeen, Finnick Odair, Peeta Mellark and Johanna Mason. Another rebel believed to be in this group is Gale Hawthorne, friend to Katniss Everdeen." He isn't my friend, I think. And he certainly isn't alive. "Many people of Panem may have believed that such Victors would be in alliance with the Capitol, that they may have been safe to consort with. With a heavy heart, I now am afraid to inform you that they are not. May I remind you that all symbols of the Mockingjay are now banned, and anyone found consorting with the Rebels is now viewed as the enemy, a traitor. These rebels are not peaceful. They have been known to break into your houses, and often kill any inhabitants they find." Bile starts to push its way up my throat when he says this. An image of my arrow impaling someone's chest comes back to the front of my mind. "Anyone with any information on the whereabouts of any rebel groups is encouraged to come forward, to prevent all hell breaking loose on the Capitol. Keep our Panem strong."

He smiles his dark, twisted smile, revealing a little blood in the sides of his mouth. Somehow I feel I can smell the roses on his suit, sickly and sterile and too white.

I get one last glimpse of his slitted snake eyes before the seal of Panem returns to the screen.


	58. Twisted

◇◇◇

Hazel's Birthday: 23rd April

Date: 9th Feb

◇◇◇

Chapter 9 

Hazel's POV

The pile of furs is musty and grey from all the dust that has fallen on it. It's cold and stale to the touch, a little course. My fingers itch at the touch of it, but somehow it's still soft.

My heart aches for Johanna, a plea that she is still okay. A wish that she was still here. Not that she'd be any safer here, with the mutts and the peacekeepers and the pods. None of us are safe here, really; after all, it's the Capitol. The construct that sends 24 children into a death arena every year.

That's why I went to 13; to save them. All the children the Capitol was forcing to become murderers. 

I remember when I was 18, watching the 71st Games. I saw a then 17 year old Johanna, playing up to the cameras, acting quiet. I believed her, somehow, until I saw her swing an axe onscreen. At that point, I was almost scared. Scared that people could seem so innocent but be so brutal. Yet there was something about Johanna that I felt was more genuine, and something came back up to my mind, something I remember Caesar Flickerman saying once. "D'you know the big problem with a disguise, Mr. Holmes? However hard you try, it's always a self-portrait."

And there was something about her that made me think that she was okay. Made me realise how painful it could actually be to go through that. And after my Parents were killed, I knew I had to get away.

It was Johanna that inspired me to run away to 13. 

For four years, I was unsure about my decision. It was the time of the pox outbreak, so I was very ill at some times, and it felt so oppressive and I felt like I had no freedom.

Then Johanna was reaped again, and I remembered why I went to 13. And when she was here, in the hospital, there was a time that I was taking care of her while she recovered, and she was going into sedation for a surgery when she said something about my eyes. She didn't remember it when she woke up, but she blushed a lot.

And I constantly was instructed to go check on her in her compartment, because I was the nurse assigned to helping her; that's how I got to know her.

Even if it's been little more than a few months, it feels weird without her in my life now.

And I miss her.

◇◇◇

Haymitch's POV

"It's for you," Plutarch says, passing me the phone, finally.

I shrug, "Who is it?" I mouth to him. He shrugs in return, causing me to roll my eyes and just pick up the phone. "Hello?"

The voice on the other end starts talking frantically, so quickly I don't hear what they're saying.

"Wha- Peeta? Peeta slow down," I say down the phone.

"There's a problem," he says. "I- I did something."

"What happened?"

"Gale started talking to me and disrespecting Katniss and Willow, and I- I was just-"

"Okay, you need to be calm," I say, failing to reassure him.

"He hit me, and then the venom... the hijacking venom... well, it all went orange and-"

"Yes?"

"I pushed him over a balcony."

"Oh god," I mutter, "Is he still alive? Are you okay?"

"He fell on a pod. And got blown up by the bomb."

For almost a full minute, I stand there in silence. "So, he's a bit dead then?"

"A BIT? Haymitch I killed someone. I never even did that in the games, except for that girl from five that Katniss called Foxface. But that was an accident. And because it's out of the Games and I killed one of our own... I don't know what's going to happen to me. And he was Katniss's friend as well, and I knew him. He's never coming back. I just took someone's life away."

I can tell he is distraught. His breathing sounds erratic and his words catch. It all sounds broken up and watery, like it's shaking and stopping. "Peeta, it's going to be okay, and if something bad happens I am going to stick up for you. I- I don't know what's going to happen either. I don't think this was really expected, but I guess you were already in Coin's firing line, and any chance she could've gotten-"

"Oh my god," I hear him say, "please, if I go, just- just make sure Katniss and Willow are okay."

"Peeta, that's something else I need to tell you-"

"Is Willow okay?" He starts again, panicking. This is really one of the few times he's panicked. To me he's always seemed too calm somehow.

"She's fine," I reply, "It's Coin."

"What about Coin?"

"She's... dead."

I wait for a response but the line suddenly cuts off and is replaced by static. 

"Put me back on!" I yell toward Plutarch.

He pulls his eyebrows in. "What happened?" 

"It just disconnected, what did you do?" I say, then direct toward the phone again, "Peeta? Are you still there? Hello? Boggs? Cressida?" I turn back to Plutarch, "Put me back on!"

"It's not us," he says, looking at a screen, "It's the Capitol."

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV

It goes silent directly after he says that, and not like he wasn't talking or anything, then there'd be background noise. For a few seconds it's like that, just completely silent.

"Peeta, is everything okay?" Cressida says from behind me.

I'm about to put the phone down when I hear the voice come through clearly. "Hello Peeta."

I almost drop the phone at the voice I know all too well, the voice of roses and blood and snakes. Cressida's eyes also widen as she hears it. I try to swallow with my dry throat and fail.

"Hello," I reply, my voice and hands convulsing like an earthquake.

"Hello Peeta. I do not recall seeing you for a long time. Now, what's all this business with a certain Alma Coin's death?"

I turn, seeing Boggs return with Cressida, holding some kind of Communications device. Tigris is behind them, showing a small table where they appear to be setting up a microphone and a television. I try to dismiss the random questions that enter my head as to why she has all this equipment when she is a fur clothing shop owner, knowing it will only lead to more questions.

"I do not know anything of it. It's the first news I've heard," I say.

A twisted laugh. "Oh, it almost amuses me how sure you always seem when in reality, it appears, they tell you nothing. How are you sure you can trust these people?"

"I don't. Not always, at least. But I never trust you. You know why?"

"Why would that be?"

Inhaling deeply, I gather up as much courage as I can muster. "Because you hurt me. And so many other people. All those children who died? It's your fault."

"Oh, my dear Peeta, I never started the Games."

"You also never ended them. Because despite the power you have, you're still weak."

And I put down the phone on President Snow. A small act that fills me with some kind of power, even if my chest is heaving air in and out of my body with some difficulty.

I turn, so I can see Boggs briefing Katniss before she stands before the table with the microphone and camera set up. Her eyes are wide, scared, vulnerable. So different than to when I first remember her, when they were harsh and grey and cold. It's a small change, but significant somehow. 

The Television switches on, showing the Image of President Snow once again on the screen. He smiles, the smile as twisted as his laugh before. His face twists my stomach into knots. "Hello, citizens of Panem. As you probably know, the Rebels have been a danger for a long time, distrupting everything that could possibly have been created by The Capitol. Now, we have received valuable information that their leader, so called 'President' Alma Coin from district 13 has been pronounced dead. And so, I am calling to all the rebels now, for a ceasefire. Your leader is gone. You have no possible hope left other than to come and intigrate back into normal life in the Districts, where, if you step out of line, we will surely execute you. Surely that chance is better than failing to overthrow the Capitol and failing?"

It starts to glitch a little, and then there is another voice. "Maybe our leader is dead."

"Haymitch," I hear Finnick mumble from my left somewhere.

"But I can assure you, that will not stop us," Haymitch continues, "after all, we are strong now. People can see what you have done. Stand down, President Snow."

Out of the corner of my eye, I manage to glimpse Boggs giving a hand signal, and Katniss begins to speak.

"You have kept our people in poverty," she starts, with a fierce fight I have not seen for a long time, "you burned down our homes. You have ignored the dying, left the otherwise healthy to die. And I hope I can speak for everyone when I say that I will never allow anyone else to have to live in a world like this if it kills me. The future generations start with us, and they could never survive if we are killing them like we are now. Like you are."

"The Mockingjay," Snow says, almost hissing, "thank you for joining me. If I may include something personal, I do hope your family is okay."

"They're fine," she says, "even with the bombs you sent toward thirteen. I fight to keep them surviving; I fight for the other families that have been lost. Which is why we will never stand down."

"And what of your child? I believe you had a miscarriage, did you not?"

Something about this feels like a dagger. An attack that is more heart wrenching than anything physical the capitol could throw towards me. "A fake," she replies, taking multiple people in the room aback, "Willow is my child, and she is perfectly fine. And you will never hurt her. One of my children has already died. Her twin, Silas was stillborn. He never even got a chance at life. You will never be able to take him away from me, at least."

Silas. It's the first time I've heard the name. Somehow, it doesn't just feel far away like memories concealed by the venom, but just something that was never there in the first place.

"I'm sorry for your loss, Ms. Everdeen. But I doubt you will be able to make it to stop me. You've lost."

I barely have to comprehend what this could mean as the bullets fly through the windows of Tigris's shop, shattering glass and staining the walls red.

Seconds after, more gunshots come from the Television, and the Capitol doesn't cut away from the scene of dark red blood flowing from President Snow's head fast enough.

And something shifts, the ground swaying beneath my feet until I am enveloped by the Dark.


	59. Bandages Don't Heal All Wounds

◇◇◇

11th February

◇◇◇

Chapter 10

Katniss's POV

"Stay still," Hazel warns me, trying desperately to bandage my arm and stop the blood flow. I already have two bandages on my legs; a part of me thanks whatever may be the reason that people in the Capitol aren't accurate with firearms.

I only woke up half an hour ago, and the floor still doesn't seem steady under my feet; when I put any pressure on my legs the pain sparks back up my them.

"Okay," she says, finally finishing off the wrapping on my arm and handing me two small pills, "I don't recommend walking, or standing really. Take those, they're painkillers."

Wincing, I throw them into my mouth.

The walls of the basement loom over me, almost scowling. "What happened?" I ask.

Her eyes skid around the room, shifting away from mine, "Honestly? I don't know. But you're lucky they only skimmed your skin." I see a bandage on her arm, a little stained with red.

"It still hurts. Is everyone else okay?"

"Finnick had a bullet in his arm, I got that out with the help of some others. Cleaned up the wound where another went through his foot. Gave him some painkillers, a small dose of morphine. He lost quite a bit of blood, but he'll live. Pollux got one in his bulletproof vest, so there's a little blunt force trauma, but I think that he's going to pull through. Enobaria is... fine. Cressida, however... she got one in her stomach. I've tried to help her, and she's being taken away somewhere, but there's no guarantee she'll live. I just wish I could've done more. Peeta got a couple in his prosthetic leg, so that's going to need some work on it. And he hit his head pretty hard on the floor, but I bandaged that up too. He'll be fine."

My eyebrows pull together. "What about Boggs?"

Hazel's head shakes. "He died at the scene. I'm sorry Katniss. It went right into his brain."

"Oh."

Oh. It's not nearly enough. Not for someone who gave their life to let us have a better one. But Hazel seems to understand my lack of words.

"President Snow got shot though. On live television. It doesn't mean the war's over, but it's certainly died down. He could've been fixed up by Capitol doctors, I suppose, but I don't know if they're still around or not. And I think he got a few too many bullets in him... to have such a miracle would be unlikely." A small shake of her head. "At least Johanna didn't have to deal with all this. I worry about her."

"When we get back, I bet she'll be annoyed she missed all the action. She probably wanted to put those bullets into Snow herself." I laugh, causing Hazel to laugh a little too.

"I think we all would have, wouldn't we?"

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV

The mauled and mangled mass of plastic and metal rests on the side of the pile of furs I am sitting on. My head throbs under a bandage as I look up to see Katniss wheeling herself towards me in a small chair.

White strips stand out against her olive skin, somehow making it glow even more. A sort of dull ache appears in my chest as I see the bandages, another sign I actually do care about her; that it's not just something everyone's made up. 

"You okay?" she asks calmly. Her voice snags on the words a little, not that I take any notice.

I nod, "Yeah, I'm fine thanks. Other than the leg, but it's not like I can feel that. Maybe my head aches. How are you?"

She shrugs, her eyes shifting away, "I'm good."

"You're such a bad liar, Katniss," I say, then realise something- a memory, clean and clear. "I said that to you in the first Games, didn't I?"

Something behind her eyes lights up, a little flame of who she used to be. "Yes... yes you did. You remember that?"

"Not until just now," I say, shaking my head a little. "And I think... 'never gamble at cards...'"

"'You'll lose your last coin.'" 

I look back up, and I see the expression on her face that I don't remember seeing for a very long time, even in the memories that aren't tinted - hope. And it's bright, and it's beautiful.

"So," I say again, "how are you? Really?"

"I- don't really know. My arm kind or hurts, I can't walk exactly."

"I guess that's both of us now."

A small smile creeps across her face. "Yeah."

"But I don't just mean how's your arm, how are you just feeling? Emotionally?" Her head goes back to the floor and I try to correct that, "I don't mean to pry or anything, I was just... checking you were okay. Sorry."

"Don't be. I just miss Willow, I guess."

"Katniss," I start, "I've not had the chance yet to apologise for what I did to Gale. He was your friend, and-"

"He wasn't my friend," she shoots back. "He- maybe he used to be. And although I wasn't expecting him to be blown up and I don't want anyone else to die... I never wanted anything to do with him after..." she takes in a breath, "Look, what I'm saying is I just don't want to talk about it."

"Oh," I reply.

"It's okay, you weren't to know. Maybe some part of me misses Gale, but not the person he'd become." Her head shakes again. "He's not the person I met in the woods anymore. That person was dead a long time ago."

I reach up to put my hand on her shoulder but she shrinks away. 

"I'm sorry I dragged you into all this," Katniss says. The spark of hope has vanished.

And then she wheels herself away.

I try to get up to go after her, but I fall again due to the lack of a leg. And I curse my leg, and curse my life. I can't even walk. I can't be myself. Can't remember who I was, not really. Some Capitol doctor tries to help me back up onto the pile of furs, and I let them.

I think they try to explain something to me, but whatever it is I don't hear them.

I just wish I could go back to how I was, the person I got a small glimpse of before.

Because I like him much better than whoever I've become.


	60. You Have To Walk To Fly

◇◇◇

12th February

◇◇◇

Chapter 11

Finnick's POV

Katniss glares up at me, looking even shorter than normal. "Of course I'm sure. I want to be able to walk."

Hazel raises her eyebrow, "I don't think it's a good idea. I mean, you're in the chair so it isn't painful."

Katniss then focuses her glare on Hazel.

"Just let her try," I say, "what's the worst that could happen? We have to strap her to the chair to stop her hurting herself?"

Hazel sighs, walking over to Katniss in the small wheelchair. "Fine." She pulls Katniss's arm and tries to steady her as she stands. A grimace crosses Katniss's face. "Okay, I'm getting you some crutches at least."

"I'm okay," Katniss replies, "I don't need the crutches."

"Yes, you do. You've been shot in the legs. It's going to be painful, so it's either the crutches or the chair."

And a painful half an hour later, Katniss manages to walk with the crutches- even if she does fall over a lot. Somehow, Hazel deems her safe to walk around as long as she keeps the crutches and sits down if the pain is too much.

She's gone when Peeta walks in. "Hey Finnick."

"Hi," I reply. "How's your head?"

His shoulders lift and fall again. "It's okay, I suppose. It aches a bit, but it's not as bad as yesterday. How's your foot? And your arm?"

"The foot hurts. I guess I'm the third person here struggling to walk. The arm... I don't know, Hazel keeps injecting me with something that makes it numb, so it just feels weird really. It's probably going to be quite painful. Did you get a new leg?"

"Yeah," he nods, moving his left leg a little, "it's less heavy than the last one, so hopefully I won't be as much of a hindrance."

"Clearly the Capitol's made improvements," I say, laughing, "but you aren't a hindrance."

He stays silent for a few minutes. 

"Peeta, you really aren't."

"Why am I even still here?" He says.

"Because you're important." He looks up from the floor to me, and I feel uncomfortable just sitting here on the pile of furs. "To me. To Katniss. To the Games, and the Capitol and to 13. Because you're a survivor. And that's the one thing people need right now to fight back. To realise we can get through this. And survive."

"I don't think Katniss really cares much about me anymore. And it's fair enough. I'm not who I used to be. And maybe I am a survivor; but that doesn't mean they haven't broken me." I expected his voice to sound as broken as his words, but instead they just sound empty.

"Katniss does care. We just both know she's going through a very rough time."

"And I made it worse, because I threw someone over a balcony. I killed someone; someone I knew."

"For a very valid reason- Gale hurt Katniss, who was once to be your wife, he hurt you and he threatened your daughter. Sure, I don't condone killing people, but you didn't know about the pod, and you were in a life or death situation. You get that, right?"

He nods in reply. "Good," I say. "And I'm here if you need to talk, remember? You shouldn't put yourself down like you do. Even if you're never the same as you were, you're going to make it through, and you're going to be even stronger than before." I laugh suddenly, "If Johanna was here, there is no doubt she's be laughing at how sappy I sound."

Peeta laughs back. "Yeah, I bet she'd be telling us to suck it up."

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV

For the next few days, it's just a sweet period. We all sit around the basement and the shop, helping each other out. The deaths of everyone looms over our minds like dark clouds, and there's few nights we spend with no crying or sadness, but in the day we carry on. 

Tigris brings us more food, we rest, let our wounds heal, grow closer together. I even manage to talk to Enobaria- which is something I never thought I'd do- and even though we don't have much common ground we end up with some kind of... aquaintanceship?

After a while Tigris gets the phone working for a day, letting me speak to my mother and Prim, who is being trained to become a doctor. Haymitch is of course concerned for all of us, but comes with glad news that Cressida is alive.

Finnick gets to talk to Annie again, and he shares news of Annie's pregnancy with us.

Hazel manages to talk to a very lethargic Johanna, who sounds like she is actually happy to hear from us under a very sarcastic mask.

I am very apprehensive when my mom say that Hazelle, Gale's mother wated to speak with me, but it's all apologies and sadness about how she never thought Gale would become who he did. It isn't what I expected, and it doesn't take away the pain, but it makes me feel a little better. She makes the offer to help look after Willow, which I refuse despite her protestations; I do, however, say I will visit them when we all get back to how we were.

And, finally, I bond back with Peeta. I explain about what I've gone through, that I might never be the same as I was, and he understands. Nobody is ever perfect, but to me Peeta is as close to it as possible. And I let him wrap his arms around me, because I know I can't keep running forever. Peeta being there is never going to stop the pain, but at least I know he will help me through it. 

All together, we set up a small shrine to the ones we have lost on this mission. Not just in the Capitol, but throughout the games. Something blue like Bogg's haunting eyes. A small piece of tech for Wiress. A flower for Rue. My Mockingjay pin for Madge. Two small matching dolls for Leeg 1 and 2. A red leaf for Castor. A rock with a painted smile on for Mitchell. An earring for Messalla. A small fishing hook for Mags. Even a small branch of Hawthorn for Gale. 

One morning I wake to see a piece of wood, next to it a note that reads 'For Silas' in Tigris's handwriting. It manages to bring me to tears, and Enobaria - being the only one awake at the time - comes over and tries to comfort me.

For those few days, it all seems okay. Nobody in the Capitol is told we're here in case of another group of people who might want to hurt us.

And then the message comes up on the Television - a call for all Capitol children to be taken to the President's mansion.

"What?" Hazel says from beside me.

We rush out immediately, and all around there are Capitol citizens running around, children dropping toys.

"What's going on," I hear Tigris ask someone passing by.

They reply urgently with, "Haven't you heard? The rebels are coming to bomb us. You need to get shelter!"

We look to each other, and even Enobaria doesn't seem to understand why this is happening.

Despite us all travelling in the same direction, it's almost impossible to get to the Mansion in the crowd of people, especially when you're still grasping onto a crutch for dear life, pain erupting throughout your legs. The sea of people knocks me down like a tidal wave, and traps me beneath their feet. I scream out as someone steps on a bullet wound, and am there for a small eternity before Finnick grabs me up, letting me stabilise myself on one of his crutches.

From there we are separated, but I can get glimpses of the others to know that they're okay.

A couple people recognise me, but I just push past them. 

At the mansion, people are just handing their kids over to the Peacekeepers, adn the desperation in the voices is overwhelming.

Hazel appears next to me, confused, as they are herded past the gates of the Mansion like cattle from 10. The gates are just closing, but are stopped as the Peacekeepers manning them stare up into the sky at the little silver parachutes floating down. In the Games they're a sign of hope, sponsors- yet there's something about these that seems wrong.

They land in the crowd of children, who grasp at them with their small, cold hands... and then they explode.

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV

Doctors start to run into the scene, and I can see Katniss and Hazel running toward them, Katniss yelling "Prim!"

I follow them, and I can see the blonde hair of Primrose Everdeen turning from the scene to her sister. I can just hear them.

"You stay here," Hazel says, "there's something off about this."

Prim interjects, "But I need to help them."

"You need to stay safe. You're a child. This is my job. It's why I'm here."

"What if you get hurt?" Katniss says, "What about Johanna?"

"She'll understand."

I nearly get to Katniss and Prim, but the second explosion blows me backwards.

◇◇◇

I lie in a hospital bed, in a room full of so many people. "Well, your hearing isn't the best, and there's a few burns, but I don't think you'll be that bad. I think we're going to have to get new another prosthetic leg."

"Where's Prim?" I say. "And Finnick? And Katniss? Are they okay?"

"They've all got burns marks too, albeit worse ones, but they'll live. It's just going to take a while."

"And what about Hazel? Hazel Logan? Is she okay?"

The doctor turns away, leaving me in the hall where all I hear are groans of pain.

◇◇◇

They fit me with a new leg which is even lighter than the last. It feels almost like normal again.

◇◇◇

They let me see Katniss eventually. She lay in a pristine white hospital bed that smelled too strongly of bleach.

I sat by the bedside, wanting to hold her hand, but knowing she may not have wanted that.

My hand rested lightly instead on the edge of the bed, my head filled with dark thoughts and worries that were the aftereffects of the Hijacking and my heart filled with sorrow in seeing her like that. The painful looking burn wounds, a mask over her mouth, some places reconstructed skin.

And even though I'm not religious, I prayed for her.

◇◇◇

The doctors let me see Finnick too. He's lost part of his arm, which I said I was sorry for, but he just pushed it away with jokes.

Apparently they let him call Annie back in 13, and that everyone from 13 was coming back here, to the Capitol, to try and sort everything out.

"How long do you think they'll be?" I'd asked.

He'd just shrugged his shoulders and pulled a face. "I'm not sure. But they'll be here again soon."

He'd asked me what had happened to Hazel, and that broke his facade. That day we lamented, trying to figure out how it had happened.

◇◇◇

The weirdest part of it all was that the last times we'd seen Hazel she seemed so happy, so full of life. She always had. And she'd always seemed like her own person, strong and amazing, but at the same time she was always so fragile.

I never knew her as well as Katniss or Finnick or Johanna, but she'd always seemed so nice. And I was one of the people she'd helped.

◇◇◇

I went to see Katniss as often as they'd let me. Despite how painful they looked, the doctors told me the burns she'd sustained were nowhere near as bad as they seemed; they were really quite superficial.

"Maybe you'll wake up soon," I say.


	61. Trapped In Your Head

◇◇◇

4th March

◇◇◇

Chapter 12

Katniss's POV

I hear a scream and shake myself awake, trying to comprehend where it came from. 

"Prim?" I say, looking to the expanse of bed next to me. Instead, Buttercup stares up at me.

I get up, walk to the stairs. It's my house in the Victor's Village, of course it is. The smell of pancakes wafts from the Kitchen, and I go down to see my Mom and Dad making breakfast. "Hello, Katniss," he says.

"Dad," I say, running up to him and wrapping my arms around him. 

"I'm sorry about your friend Hazel."

"Who's Hazel?"

And then I hear a familiar voice, one that is not my father's, yet it comes out of his mouth. "Wake up, Katniss. Please."

◇◇◇

I jolt a little, I think. A cold breeze makes the hairs on the back of my arm stand up, and I think I hear a fan whirring somewhere in the room. A slightly muffled beeping is steady in the background.

I try to open my eyes, but nothing happens; for a second I think I might be blind, but I can't move any other part of me either. Surely death isn't like this?

I hear a door creak open, and a voice I don't know. "You need to go now, Mr. Mellark."

"Oh, okay," I hear Peeta say from beside me. "Can I ask you something? Is she going to wake up?"

"I hope so, but we can't really say. She'll probably be okay."

And the door creaks again, leaving me in silence.

◇◇◇

Consciousness comes and goes like a pendulum in a clock, swinging back and forth across the line at the edge of reality. The pendulum has started to slow now, though, and sometimes I can stay conscious for what feels like hours.

Sometimes I can hear voices, but not the ones in my head- actual voices. Of people.

I learn the voices of probably two doctors or nurses who come and go quite frequently. Peeta's there quite often - I hear him come in the room, occasionally talk a little, and leave. Other than that the only way I know he's there is if I can hear breathing, or the air just feels a little disturbed. Finnick visits a bit, and he talks a lot more. He reminds me of Annie's pregnancy and tells me about the wedding they're planning together- down on the beach, waves behind them. From what he says it sounds beautiful.

I think Haymitch comes once, and he talks a bit, but he seems rather drunk and not much of what he says makes sense.

And my Mom visits, of course, even if not as much as I'd like. She explains about Prim, who is alive, but apparently just has a lot of burns like me- if not, more.

I don't know where she got the burns from.

I don't even know where I got the burns from, but that explains the weird sensation on my skin.

◇◇◇

The loud noises from somewhere build up after a while. Banging, crashing, shouting.

It's all outside the room, but I want it to stop still. I want to rip it away, get rid of the noise that's stuck in my head, the head that I can't escape.

When they become too bad, I can feel the doctors wheel my bed to another room, and it stops.

◇◇◇

"It could help if you hold her hand."

"No," he replies softly. "I don't know if she'd want that."

The nurse is silent for a minute, then, "She's in a coma, Mr. Mellark. It's the advice we give to everyone because it helps both you and the patient."

I can hear Peeta take a deep intake of breath, and then he's quiet again.

"I'll leave you in peace."

I hear the door open and close again.

"Katniss... I don't know if you can hear me or not, apparently you can."

It's the first time he's talked properly.

"I... I miss you. I do. Haymitch is back from the Capitol, and they're sending more and more hovercrafts. Annie's coming back soon, which Finnick's really happy about, but I guess he's already told you." I hear a sharp intake of breath. "I don't know what to say. There's nothing I could say that'd really be important. But if you can hear me, I want you to know I care. And I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused you, and I want you to know I'll be here whenever you need me, and I'll stay away when you want. My feelings fluctuate. Sometimes I don't understand how I feel, and sometimes I'm so sure of it I feel like I could fly away somewhere better. Sometimes I think I used to love you, other times I know I still do. And I know you care about me, or you did. And what happened in your life isn't your fault. Sometimes I feel guilty that you spared my life, but I know I'd do the same for you."

I can't see him, but the sound of his voice paints a picture in my head of how he may look, like he's transferred the canvas he paints on into my brain, and it's creating a painting of the world I can't see.

And then the door opens and closes once more, and he's gone. So abruptly.

Leaving me trapped once again in my head, the painting fading away again as I try to grasp to the images of who I love.

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV

"Sometimes I feel guilty that you spared my life," I say to the unmoving body in front of me, "but I know I'd do the same for you." 

She doesn't flinch. Her eyelids don't flutter

The beep of the heart monitor is consistent, unwavering. So steady I wonder if it's broken.

Something catches in the corner of my eye and I turn to the window.

The nurse waves to me through it, beckoning me outside. I get one last glimpse of Katniss before I leave.

The nurse directs me down a corridor. "Something there for you," is all he says. 

I make my way down the corridor the way he showed me until I see a door Haymitch is standing outside.

I give him a glare of confusion, which slowly melts off my face as I see what it is.


	62. Many Ways

◇◇◇

12th March

◇◇◇

Chapter 13

Johanna's POV

I push the limp bits of food around the tray, unappetised.

The doctor sighs. "Ms Mason, you need to eat."

"I'm not hungry," I insist. "Do you know when I can have visitors? That's why I'm here, isn't it? In the Capitol? You could've just left me in thirteen otherwise."

"I don't know."

"Great," I reply, my eyebrows raising.

◇◇◇

I stare at Finnick and Peeta in silence. "Snow's dead," Finnick says bluntly.

"You think I don't know that? It's all I hear, and at least it's good."

"How are you feeling?" 

"Like my lungs are ripping themselves apart. But apparently that's already happened and the feeling is just them repairing themselves. Weird, right?"

Finnick just sits there, unmoving. Something about his body language, the tense speaking, alerts me.

"What's happened?" I ask. "Not with Snow or Coin, I know about that. Is everyone okay? Katniss? I mean, she's insufferable when she's being the saviour of every being, but she's not too bad altogether."

Peeta is the one who speaks, unsurprisingly. "She's okay, I think, just in a coma."

"That's nice," I reply, "we could start a little club. Do you think that'd be fun?"

They completely ignore this, and Finnick just looks at me darkly. "Johanna," Finnick begins, "Hazel... she..."

I try to get up, but am restricted by all the wires. "What happened to Hazel? Is she okay?"

"I'm so sorry. There was an explosion, and she-"

"Stop-"

"She was trying to save their lives, Johanna... She wanted you to know that she was trying to save them."

"Stop" I whisper sharply. "Just stop. She's not-"

My throat catches at the words. So many years building up barriers to have them crashing all down. Training myself to be indifferent.

In that second I remind myself of Katniss. Barriers fallen down by a hole made for one person to come through. 

"Johanna, I'm so sorry," Peeta says.

"Get out."

"Johanna..."

"GET OUT."

◇◇◇

I won't let anyone come near me. 

There was no point in putting up these walls if I'm just going to allow them down. 

I promised I wouldn't fall in love. Not again.

And I won't again.

◇◇◇

The last time I'd saw her, she was like the lifeline I needed.

An amazing healer, of the physical and the heart.

◇◇◇

I remember she was growing her hair back out. It came down past her ears in black corkscrews lined with brown. She looked so precious, fragile. It's not surprising that she broke. 

I remember her hazel eyes, just like her name, undying burning embers.

I remember her spirit. She was never proud of where she came from but I knew she was proud to help people. And I was proud to know her. And I loved her. So so much.

◇◇◇

Finnick's POV

I leave Katniss's new room after only half an hour after having talked to her for a while, and then am drawn further down the corridors.

"... you can't do that it isn't-"

"I can do whatever I want. I'm not staying here."

"Johanna you can't-"

I open the door, seeing Peeta trying to calm down a clearly angry Johanna.

"Finnick," Johanna says, glaring at me, "tell Peeta that I can do whatever I want, because he doesn't seem to believe me."

"She's trying to discharge herself," Peeta interjects.

"You're trying to do what?" 

Johanna starts turning dials on the small computers next to her hospital bed. "There's no point in me staying any longer. It's within my right to discharge myself. I'm sure the Capitol would've loved me to leave quickly anyway."

"Johanna, no."

"Excuse me?"

I hold my posture back up. "You can't."

"I think you'll find," she smiles angrily, "that I actually rather can."

"Maybe, but you should stay here. I know you don't want to, but they're trying to help you."

"I have no reason to get better," she shoots at both me and Peeta. "I didn't care before Hazel came, and I certainly don't care anymore."

"Johanna, please," Peeta begs, "Hazel was an amazing person. Of course you're going to be the most hurt by this. We'll never know how that feels, but-"

"Oh, yeah, right," she scoffs. "Like you wanted to live when you thought Katniss was dead. Like Katniss was when she thought you were. Well I'm sorry I don't understand your heterosexual culture, but I don't think we're altogether that different. We're both in love."

"I- I didn't realise you thought that we thought it made you different."

"We don't," I say. "Peeta just meant that you were the closest, really. Even if we were engaged. That... it doesn't change how close you were to Hazel."

Johanna's eyes start to look glassy, but she manages to hide it. If she's ever come close to crying before, I've not seen it.

"She's not coming back," Johanna whimpers fiercely. "She was trying to save lives, but she should've left them. She was so much more important."

"Johanna-"

"No, I'm going. I can't stay here. They think it was heroic here. It wasn't. It was just stupid, a waste of the life she could've lived."

And she finally breaks. Tears stream and the walls crumble down. Everything seems to mush together, comforting and screaming and sadness. Trying to stop her from changing the dials of drugs to something fatal, and the nurse eventually coming and having to sedate her.

Grief comes in many ways. Sombre, numbness, humbling and just downright ugly screaming for the one who was ripped from you.


	63. A Single Year

◇◇◇

14th March

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Chapter 14

Haymitch's POV

His face was so precious. So full of wonder. Something about it made me feel fuller and happier inside, that boy holding his child. Peeta with Willow. His blue eyes staring up directly into hers, small tufts of black brown hair grasping to her head.

I've spent so long comforting people that they're all going to be okay, and this is what it was for. The moments that light up your heart. A boy, really, with his childhood stolen away from him in so many ways, just holding the child, his child.

"How long ago was it?" I ask him now, sitting on the roof of the hospital. In the distance I think I catch a glimpse of the training tower's roof the direction he's staring. "That all this really started? Not the Games obviously, but... this storyline? The one with Willow?"

He shrugs. "I don't know. Pretty close to a year. I don't completely remember. The day they read the card out, just before that, I think. I'm pretty sure."

My stare sets onto a spot on the ground. "That was... I think it was the fourteenth."

"Its the fourteenth today," he says, squinting off into he sunset. "That's exactly a year."

I laugh, "Not exactly the best one. But a lot has come out of this."

"How does a single year change... everything?"

"I don't know, but it's pretty damned impressive," I reply, taking a swig of spirit. 

◇◇◇

Peeta's POV

I go back to her room. She hasn't changed. Stupid, I tell myself. Why should I think she's going to wake up? Everything else has been taken away, except Willow. Why not Katniss?

The chair has a cushion on it now, and the nurse gives me a smile as I see it. 

"Hey," I say. "I still don't know if you can hear me, but there's no point giving up. Johanna knows about Hazel now. And what happened with the bomb. And I'm sorry I didn't help you more. I'm so sorry. But I was talking with Haymitch as well, and it's been a year. A whole year."

The only response I'm met with is the consistent beeping of the heart monitor.

"How did so much happen? I mean, we have Willow now, but we've lost people too. Too many people lost. But I'm so glad that I know you. And I've got a surprise for you. So just..." I take a sharp breath in, nervous, "stay alive. Stay. Please. Stay with me."

I am silent for a minute, then reach my hand forward and close it around hers. Somehow it gives me hope, holding her hand; it's not cold, like the dead. It's warm. Normal.

I shed a silent tear. "I'll stay with you. No matter what. Always. That's a promise, Katniss."

◇◇◇

I hold Willow tightly, close to my chest, as she waves a small hand around. "You ready?" I say to her, and she smiles back at me with an odd noise. Part of me doesn't know why I asked her that, she probably won't understand it. Definitely.

Maybe I should be asking myself that.

The nurse comes up from behind me, and opens the door. "This is a good plan," he says, "I think it could work."

"Thanks," I nod, walking through the doorway.

The burn wounds and new skin have started to heal up, and though they still look like a patchwork skin, it looks a little more normal. And still nothing changes how beautiful she is.

"It's mommy," I say to Willow, lowering her a little so she can see Katniss. "Katniss, it's Willow. Katniss? Please. Willow wants to see you."

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV

I can feel her small fingers brushing across my arm, sending small shoots of pain up my arm where the burns are. Somehow, I don't care. I just want to see Willow.

I can feel my eyelids flutter a little, and the heart monitor starts speeding up, becoming a more rapid beeping. A finger twitches, and my eyes open hazily. The room all seems a little blurred, especially in my left eye, but it's there.

Some random nurse rushes to the heart monitor, I think, but all I see are Peeta and Willow, who's hair is in small black tufts on her head, her little mouth turned up into a smile. I try to speak, but all that comes out of my mouth is a croak; it's something though. My movements, though jerky and stiff, are no longer non-existent. I can move my arm to the right a bit.

And all of a sudden, Peeta's arms wrap around me, holing me in their soft, strong warmth. I can feel them tremble against my skin.

"I'm okay," I try saying, but it still sounds more like a croak. "Are you? Is everyone else okay?" It feels less like I'm speaking and more like I'm coughing up words, my throat burning dry. Nothing is a thought anymore, it's just senses. I can smell the bleach, like before, and feel sensations across my skin. I can hear all the sounds, still. But now there's so much to see again, and I can breathe on my own again. Maybe it's shaky, but that's okay.

"They're okay," Peeta says. It feels nice to have proper human touch again, to be able too hug Peeta back.

And now my walls are ready to come down, ready to embrace the life. I'm never passing up people's love again. There's still something that nags at the back of my mind about Gale, something hard to ignore, but I try to push it away.

And who cares if it never really goes? It probably won't.

But cells are replaced all the time, and one day I'll have a new body he never touched, one he'll never touch again.


End file.
